i told her i wouldn't have cared about the cheating if she had at least let me watch

seriously though, i know what i have to do. i just need the reinforcement i guess. although i am still curious to hear what tsxchick has to say. i'm sure it would be easier if she wasn't in the house. she's checking out her last apartment choice tonight so we'll see.

 

She's a closet lesbian (or at least, bisexual) who took advantage of you.

 

ok cheating...bad thing on both parts. my man has cheated on me 2 times in the past, long ago. i have never ever cheated on him mentally or physically. two wrongs dont make a right. its the most horrible degrading feeling in the world. i forgave him but i will NEVER forget. never ever. cheating definatly doesnt boost your self esteem. that move was bad on both of your parts.

cheating with a girl...no i have never acted on this becuase its still cheating. the amazing attraction to a female is the affection. girls are much more passionate and sensitive than the emotion that a guy can give you and its completly different. maybe she is bi? well obvisouly? has she ever mentioned being with another girl to you?

does your girl have a drinking problem? like to party? how old is she?

i dont drink so i cant relate with that. i dont party, i dont go out with the girls...its a conflict of interest, and the partying thing is not worth loosing the one that i love. i support guys night out because every man needs that...its some werid manly time or something i dont know.

getting piss drunk and making a scene outside in the street. thats not cool. at all.... thats very childish and fighting should be done inside where the neighbors cant hear it. is she an attention whore? does she work?

she seems like almost lazy? its sad to say but you cant help someone else if they arent willing to help themselves. complaining about your gut while eating a pint of ben & jerrys....no girl will ever be happy with her body, its a fact. i can pick flaws out all day long. we all can. but not wanting sex...omg. thats SO important. have you guys ever discussed that topic? i cant imagine someone not having a sex drive?? maybe she just isint a sexual person? get her a toy, they are great. try smart balls or something...you can get them on any sex toy website, they help chicks get in the mood over the course of the day....maybe that would work?

maybe if she got a decent/good job, starting paying some bills, cooking, cleaning and doing something other than acting like a lazy bum she would feel good about herself.

i almost want to say that you have done enough and hung around waiting for her to change and she has no desire to do anything about it. its very selfish of her.
you guys are both obvisouly hurting inside, you seem to be very understanding and patient. thats a good quality.

but yeah, how old is she? does she have a job? own car? pay bills? does she have any responsibilitys??

 

Um... what are you doing still under same roof with your ex g/f. Get her the heck out of your place. Yeah, I know, but I loved her and care for her.... Not the excuse to use. I know I sound harsh, but quit enabling her....

Get on with your life, find someone that better fits you and DO NOT get anyone of them pregnant..

 

New York rsidents cannot contract common law marriage.

However, common law marriage is a very misunderstood area of law and almost everyone out there has misconceptions about it. Common law marriage is not based on any length of time cohabitating. You don;t simply live with someone for __ years and BAM, you're subject to common law marriage. The states that do recognize it vary slightly in their definitions, but the key component is that the couple lives together and represent themselves to be husband and wife.

A few representatve examples:

Rhode Island
The criteria for a common-law marriage are: (1) the parties seriously intended to enter into the husband-wife relationship; (2) the parties’ conduct is of such a character as to lead to a belief in the community that they were married.

Iowa
"The three elements of a common-law marriage are: (1) the present intent and agreement to be married; (2) continuous cohabitation; and (3) public declaration that the parties are husband and wife. The public declaration or holding out to the public is considered to be the acid test of a common-law marriage.

Colorado
The elements of a common-law marriage are, if both spouses: (1) are legally free to contract a valid ceremonial marriage, (2) hold themselves out as husband and wife; (3) consent to the marriage; (4) cohabitate; and (5) have the reputation in the community as being married

 

I think the reason why you're still affected by this is because you still allow her to live with you after the breakup! I think you should've made her move as soon as she could because not only does it seem like she's still using you, but it's driving you nuts!

And another thing...two wrongs don't make a right so if you both cheated on eachother, that should've been a huge sign that you guys aren't meant for eachother!

In order to move forward, you can't live in the present or the past. Just let go! I think your best bet is to work on yourself more before you start another relationship. Spend this time to allow yourself to get to a place of contentment. The art of contentment is being able to focus on YOU and to test your soul and to better yourself!

Good luck!

 

For most of us, being single will be more of a phase than a final destination. This is the best place to practice the art of contentment. Someday, I'm sure most of us will fall in love and get married. But the thing is, love will always be tested. Someone more handsome, beautiful, more charming, richer, funnier, sweeter would come along. If you have not practiced the art of contentment as a single person, chances are you would be tempted to want that and not cherish your chosen one. Practicing the Art of Contentment as a single person means that you take what life gives you, good or bad, you're willing to see it through. It means you don't walk away everytime things get tough because it builds in your patience, perseverance, understanding and a hundred different virtues that people in a hurry will never have. Being single means you would find how it feels to be alone thus, allowing you to cherish every moment you spend with your chosen one. The art of contentment means you wouldn't mind if life had to make you wait for so long to find the love of your life, because you know that the waiting would only make the finding much sweeter.


Being single is a time of your life when you can get to know yourself better. You can pursue different interest and passions without having to ask another person's approval. It is a phase when you can keep focus on other things, discover your potentials and talents, and see yourself become more than what you expect to be. Allow yourself to surprise you. Stop wasting precious energy trying to figure out why you're still romantically unattached. It's all in the mind. Take the time to go see your friends, spend time with your family, do charity work and you will realize that you are not, and never for one moment, was alone. Try to get to know yourself first before you try to get to know other people. To be truly loved means to be known and accepted for who you are. How do you expect other people to know you and to love you, when you don't know who and what you really are?


Sometimes the dilemmas we face are not between what is absolutely bad and absolutely good. Sometimes, it's between good and best. Treat this stage of your life as a phase to evaluate who is good for you and who is best for you. Sometimes, you won't hear music, or feel magic to know who's best for you. The heart just knows and it doesn't need any romantically charged scenario to decide on the matter. Trust in your heart, and trust that time will eventually lead you to, not to the perfect partner, but to the most suitable partner for you. Being single is a phase of life that we need to be thankful for, because being single means our hearts have yet to choose the best one for us.


Take your time, the world will wait. Being with someone doesn't guarantee that it will make your life happy. It doesn't guarantee anything at all. Sometimes, it only brings two miserable people together only to make their life even more miserable. Without the right intention, the emotional maturity, financial security and of course, unwavering love, you're better off unattached.
Living Life.

Don't put your life on hold for Mr. and Mrs. Right, but don't let it waste away with Mr.or Mrs. Wrong. Life is about things that you do and happen to you everyday. It's not about the things that could have happened but never did, or things that you think would happen in the future. Live life now. Live it to the fullest and stop beating yourself up, trying to be perfect. Allow life to surprise you with its most wonderful blessings.



I just wanted to share something that I posted in my blog a while back! Hope this helps! This helped me a lot and I hope it will for you!

 

rebound is not the answer at this point...i know you want some pie but...there are 2 types of girls 1-if you go in they are going to want a relationship and be clingy....you dont need someone getting attached at this time...2-trashy girls with no respect for themselves and if she is like burger king where you can have it your way she is just a dirty hooker. dirty hooker=dirty peepee.

boys and their kick her out and move on advice. this girl has been with you for 6 years, thats time right there. there is a reason that you have been together that long, its called love. its hard to find true love. i know how you feel man...its hard to make it work, no relationship is a cake walk...but it also takes 2, you cant be putting 100% in and only getting 50% back and same with her.

i never said talking was easy, its VERY hard. and normally ends with yelling/crying and someone taking something the wrong way. but you guys need to have a level headed conversation...SOBER... heart to heart honest. pour your heart out and let her know....even tell her to make a list of everything that she wants you to change so that she will be happy and you make a list of what you what her to change/work on


i will add more when i get off work today

 

Dude, the worst thing you can do right now is ask for advise from women.

For the most part, most women are jaded by their inability to fully understand what it is like to be a young American male in 2007.

Your problem is very simple - you're a NICE GUY. You've put HER before YOURSELF for a long time.

You want to bang this other chick you talked to? GO FOR IT! Meet more, too!
You want to break up with your current chick? DO IT! She doesn't deserve you so stop trying to be nice and kick her out. Move on with your life!

 

For 99.9% of all guys, getting NEW girls in bed is one way to ramp up their confidence! He's obviously STRUGGLED with his exgf not giving him the amount of sex he NEEDS. He should go get it.

That's crap. There is no binary black or white when it comes to women. Each is unique. Yes, there are tendencies, but your ability to handle your OWN desires is what will make the difference. YOUR inability to hinge your confidence and self-worth on YOUR OWN value is what will determine whether or not you will successfully move on and not feel so PARALYZED by YOUR OWN feelings of inadequacy.

Boys?

So what? Just because you've held on to a stock for 6 years doesn't mean you should keep it. If it continues to lose its value it would be STUPID for you to hold that stock - especially if you know it's only going to FURTHER drop in value!

Love? "What's love got to do with it?" She cheated on him, he cheated on her. That's love? She's lazy, overweight, and doesn't give him the sex he wants. Actions speak louder than a fluffy pie in the sky concept of love.

Ya and it's too bad most people end up in unhealthy, damaging relationships.

Why should a relationship be WORK? She should value him, and he should value her, period. If they don't value each other, then there is no point in continuing the OBVIOUSLY unhealthy relationship.

What he NEEDS to do is work on HIMSELF. He needs to recognize that he's WORTH more than a bitchy, lazy, overweight girl who doesn't put out. He DESERVES more and if he doesn't feel he does he needs to do whatever the hell it is that will MAKE HIM feel that way about himself.

There is no NEED to settle for a girl who treats you the way you DON'T want to be treated. If he could recognize that WITHIN HIMSELF, and truly believe that, then he would take the appropriate actions and kick her to the curb.

I disagree. You're assuming she's intent on listening and entering into a dialogue. You're assuming she's capable. I think she's not only NOT capable of that but wants nothing more from him than a person willing to pay her bills.

Actions speak louder than words sweetheart and it's very obvious that she doesn't dig him the way he thought she did.

To the OP:

And "pouring" your heart out will only make you look weaker than you've already come across. A "real man" wouldn't put up with HALF the shit you do. That's why I hate to see you being taken advantage of, because I KNOW deep down inside it doesn't feel right to you, but because you think you're doing the RIGHT THING, you fall victim to it.

The RIGHT THING to do is take care of yourself, recognize you have VALUE as a young man, and THEN you can meet women who are WORTH your time and energy.

Until then, HAVE FUN! Don't harp on ONE girl. Live free and do whatever it takes to be happy, and let me give you a hint, happiness does NOT lie in the shape of a woman.

 

As much as I give you props on most of your advice to people, I can't help but wonder what is it in your personal life where you see women in such a negative light. It seems to me that you have some deep-rooted issues about women and your constant derrogatory statement against us is quite obvious. It doesn't take a psychotherapist to notice that, believe me.

And to tell you the truth, some women can understand how it is for some men out there. Not all women are evil the way you seem to think. I've helped my guy friends all the time with their situations and I understand what they go through because it's not just a guy thing, girls experience it too! I've considered myself a nice girl always finishing last so I totally can understand what some guys are feeling in that sense.

All it is is to be able to LEARN from your experiences! I used to feel the same way. I was always being walked on and then I realized that it wasn't because I was "nice". I'm always going to be me. It was because I was giving to the wrong guys. We can't be "nice" or giving to EVERYONE. Learn to distinguish the "givers" and the "takers". Give to those who give back and avoid the takers at all costs! ; )

So, please stop putting most women down about their views...we may know more than you think. I just find it funny that I can appreciate your advice to people, yet you can't even look pass your issues with women to at least somewhat agree to our views or at least understand. Doesn't that say something?

And yessss, no matter how many years you have invested in a relationship doesn't account for the overall level of affection that was expressed. Just because two people have been together for 5+ years doesn't mean that the other really loved that person if their actions contradict that. It's obvious this chick was using the poor guy and he has every right to kick her to the curb! He doesn't owe her NOTHING! I just think he's hung up on her because they've been together for so long! I think he needs to just let things go and enjoy being single and if the right woman comes along, to make sure she's not a user!

 

"Don't blame love for hurting you, blame yourself for thinking you were in love"

 

 

When did I say anything derogatory toward women? Saying that women, for the most part, don't understand what it's like to be an American male in 2007 is derogatory? You sure are sensitive.

And for the record, I haven't had to experience anything any other normal guy has had to go through. Heart-ache? Sure. Rejection? Sure. Being cheated on? Sure. Most guys have. If you think that's why I'm as opinionated as I am you're incorrect. Don't try to shame me into conforming to your matriarchal point of views. Just because I tell men to take care of themselves does not mean that I 1.) hate women or 2.) have had something "traumatic" or "damaging" happen to me in my lifetime.

The actions of women are neither inherently good or bad. Therefore, I cannot simply respect a woman for just being a woman. The same goes for men.

But when I DO see bad apples, I call them as I see them. You may think that because I don't automatically give women high-praise SIMPLY for having a vagina that I'm a woman-hater who thinks women are evil, but that would be wrong. Feel free to have your opinion.

My frustration lies in the greater social pressures that are influencing the way men view not only their roles shifting dramatically over the past four decades but the shaming of their sexuality. But, I don’t feel like getting into that.

I didn’t put anyone down.

About men and the male experience? Doubtful.

Lol – my “issues with women” – I don’t have “issues” with women. I have issues with men and what they’ve let happen to themselves. The feminist movement of forty years ago that’s snowballed into men not being men today was partly due to liberal ideals of equality that are failing. But, it’s funny that you throw that around. You’re not the first. And it’s one of the most successful tools women use to devalue the opinion of male proponents – shame.

It says I believe adamantly that it's incredibly difficult for women to understand what it's like to be male today. You don’t have the same pressures and hypocritical nuances running through your head the same way men do. Women have their own, separate issues, and I would never claim to be an authority on women’s issues. But I sure would denounce a woman treating a man WRONGLY. That’s all I’ve done.

I agree with you. But that won’t happen unless he does whatever it is that will make him feel he’s worth the “right girl” or “girls”.

 

Okay, wrong word. Sorry it was late I meant the other "D" word....DEMEAN!

It just seems like when I'm trying to post something of substance, you get on my case about things and make it out like I'm a bad person. You may not direct that towards me half the time, but I find it offensive because I try to show that I am understanding of both point of views, male and female and you just tear the female apart like we're stupid, ungrateful, whores!

And to me, that's a major insult on MY intelligence because of the fact that I CAN understand BOTH point of views! I'm not here to convert people to my own views because I'm not the type. I don't force my own beliefs on others and I respect anyone's views just as I expect for others to respect my own. I've always been true to my convictions and I don't allow people to persuade me unless I see it otherwise. And being the person that looks at both situations before being able to come to my own conclusions has always been my way of forming my opinion. What saddens me is seeing people view things in one light rather seeing it as a WHOLE. Nothing annoying to me than narrow-minded people (not saying you are).

I'm just as concerned about a man's well-being as I do with women. I watch out for everyone that has been in the wrong or blind about things as well. The way you talk down on woman's views is what I have a few problems with because you make it seem like we don't know any better. For you to say, "asking for a woman's view is the last thing you should be doing...." left a bad taste in my mouth! Come on, give us a bit of credit. I'm sure there's a lot of women who can view things just as much as a man can. I'm sure we express more compassion than some guys who just peg someone and be done with them. That's WHO they THINK those people are when there's more to them than they realize.

And I'm not expecting you or any guy to give me a high pass because I have a vagina! Not at all. I just don't want you or any guy to talk down on us just because we don't have a PENIS! We all have feelings and surprisingly, we all experience the same kind of loss, hurt, pain, etc. People just deal with things differently than others.

When I explained myself about being a "nice"girl finishing last? Can you agree that some women feel those same sentiments as men do? It doesn't seem like you do because of your views and reactions to certain things. Have you any idea the kind of BS I go through daily because guys always think I'm a bad girl or unfaithful or have no intelligence because of how I look?! They always tend to go for the "innocent" looking ones because they feel that they aren't in any threat to other women or men? But from my experience, most women who look "innocent" are just as cold-hearted as the ones that DON'T look the part!

I'm just merely saying that there are so many different types of people and you shouldn't judge a book by its cover! And given the way you have dissected my opinions in the past shows that you think I am a bad apple! And the funny thing is, you'll never know because you don't allow to UNDERSTAND people before you judge them! And that is why I felt that you had some deep-rooted issues because of the fact that I can agree with you on most things, but yet can still talk down on a females views even when in fact we are in agreement!

All I gotta say is, allow people to learn from their mistakes. You can only do so much to direct people in the right direction, but in the end, it's soley the person's decision on what action to take. The best way to learn is to learn from experience!

Like I always say to people and to myself, "Life will keep handing you the same lessons, until you learn from them". And I just hope people can actually see the TRUTH in that. And I have to admit, after years and years of dating the wrong guys, I think I have finally been able to learn that very lesson!

And btw, the last comment was just in general, it wasn't directed towards your reponse. I told you, it was late! haha

 

wow, i really was surprised by how many responses i got here. i was away for a few days, went to a few weddings. it was a little awkward to sit in the church and watch but the receptions were fun. i got to make out with a bridesmaid at one wedding haha. god bless alcohol. anyway...

in all seriousness i have been taking to heart everything you guys have been saying. the ex and i had a long talk friday night about all our reasons for breaking up and even she said that if i took her back right now she still thinks she should move out, so that was good (but don't get the wrong idea, i didn't try taking her back). i think there are many things about herself she needs to figure out. whether it be her sexual orientation, lack of ambition, lack of ability to accept the way things are, etc.. and i also think there are things i need to work on for myself, such as my communications skills (both listening when i should and speaking up when i should).

i will say that i still wish things could have been different but you all have helped me to feel so confident that i'm doing the right thing. plus getting out there and meeting the girl at the wedding and in the bar shows me that i'm still bankable to women. now i know, i know, the chic in the bar could be a hooker for all i know and making out with bridesmaids (yes i knew her previously) can lead to trouble too, but it gave me a shot of much needed confidence and self esteem for something i never thought i could pull off. and to top it off the bridesmaid has been going around telling her friends what a gentleman i was, so it's not like i have to be some jerk scumbag to pick up girls.

as far as the ex goes right now she finally got an apartment in nanuet. she can't move in until the 3rd of november due to someone allready living there waiting to move out themselves. so it's not as soon as i would like, but it's gonna happen, and that's the light at the end of my tunnell right now. i need to have her out and to be alone for a while. and i am so looking forward to it.

i'll keep you all informed as it goes on. thanks guys.

 

Awesome news

You've handled this well, I'm proud of you dude. She sounds like she's actually handling it as decent as you could hope for, too.

Just a quick note: Don't worry so much about why some girl is digging you as long as you're enjoying yourself and not doing something overtly stupid. In fact, just assume girls would enjoy your company regardless. You're a good guy and you ARE marketable. A lot of girls out there are looking for that, but for the meanwhile, go out and have some fun.

 

It seems like you're making positive steps. I think things will get better once she moves out.

Good luck.

 

Good Luck to both of you!!

 

I'm sorry but unless you've grown up as a boy and "become a man" in our society then I will sincerely disagree with this statement. You may have seen it, heard in great detail about it and probably even related to many sentiments regarding what men think/feel and go through in this life. The simple fact is being a woman inherently keeps you from fully understanding the male psyche in its entirety. I know I'm making some serious generalizations here about what it is to be a "man" and believe me I understand this is not a simple concept to explain. I'm simplifying (perhaps over-) in order to keep this from being a book and in hopes it still gets my point across.

This conversation has obviously become heated by your most recent post and I am by no means trying to throw gas on the fire. I think both you and amis have made some excellent points and hope we can put this beast to rest



As for Satin I think you have made some great strides and I'm glad you have had some good experiences since the bad news. As people have said, stay busy, have fun with your friends and keep moving forward; you should be just fine

 

Lost interest after you mentioned your EX is now fat..

 

it does happen my friend. oh it does happen. that doesn't so much bother me except for the fact that she feels like crap about it. i like thick girls.

as for everyone else - thanks for the words of confidence. i definitely think that the situation is going the best it possibly could. we are both amicable and it's not like i have to worry about coming home to find out my house was burned down

i will be sure to keep you guys updated as life goes on in the next few weeks. i leave for a 7 day business trip friday so it will be a wierd feeling when i come home and she is moved out. hopefully i won't crash....

 

just an update. i went on my business trip and got back this past saturday. i had a good time. i had the opportunity to meet up with the girl from florida i mentioned earlier in the post. we had a nice time, but i am convinced that it is not a good match in the end. whether it's because i'm not ready or because of our life ambitions, i don't have any doubt in my mind.

as fate would have it i did meet someone at the hard rock casino in seminole. following my trend she's from new york originally. we hung out a couple times before i left florida and we plan on keeping in touch. it's a nice, no pressure, no expectations situation. so i'm pretty happy because i see that my self worth was more hidden than non-existent.

coming back was a bit wierd since the house was empty. i've never really been alone so it's a bit of a learning curve for me. i'll admit i cried on the last night i was with her. i knew it was the end of something i had worked so hard for, plus i do love her, it's not like i don't. so yeah being alone is interesting and my cats don't seem to listen to me as much as my ex did so conversations are difficult....

so far so good though so i'll keep you guys updated as life goes on!

 

Keep your head and stay strong brotha! You'll be all good, besides you know this is definately for the better.

 

Satin,

There is nothing wrong with feeling pained as a result of a loss. Regardless of what happened, this was someone you loved. If you felt nothing, then there would be a problem. But as amis mentioned in his own way, you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on that horse.

I also want to add that if you do feel pained like that, you should take some time before getting into a commitment. Dating is fine. But to commit to someone else right now would be a bad thing, because whatever that person does, good or bad, that is reminiscent of your ex, is going to remind you of her, and bring similar feelings to the forefront of your mind in reaction to that. It doesn't ALWAYS happen, but enough to take precaution. It's not healthy for the other person, or you for that matter. So don't put somebody else thru that bs.

Personally, in the past I always thought the best way to get over someone is to "fuck" them out of your mind. Hahahahaha! But that's just a band-aid I know for a gaping wound. (but fun as hell!!) Usually though, seriously, by the time I split with someone, it's BEEN over. So there is no real emotional backlash. Just more food at dinnertime for me. Good luck bro!

 

The women in D&R sure do write a lot...

That being said. I agree with everyone else. Get her out. Its doing no one any good. Id avoid any kind of serious relationship for a while. Youve been in long term relationships as long as you can remember. go out and have fun.

 

sometimes you just have to go for it. who ever made it a rule you have to wait right after breaking up with someone that you can't date someone else