OK, so i've been on the boards for about 3.5 years now. many of you know me, but i've never talked about my life situations on here. i've been with my g/f for 6 years and we lived together for the past 11 months and had payed/planned for a wedding. keep in mind though as you read this i still think she is a fantastic person, but we simply are not meant for eachother.

i've been unhappy for about 2 years now but had hoped things would turn around. i basically supported her since i met her. always helping her with bills or paying them outright, whether it was credit cards, doctors, textbooks. she lived with me free and clear and i never asked anything of her. the sad part is that she never took it upon herself to do anything either. she rarely ever cleaned or cooked or did chores or helped out. she can't even be bothered to clean out the coffee pot when she's done with it. we would only have sex maybe once every 2 or 3 months because she claims she doesn't really need sex, or she's too depressed about her self image to have it. she was constantly depressed about being overweight and refused to go to the gym even though i tried to help her. it was at the point where i had to admit that it was beyond hope after 2 years of constantly fighting and trying to fix it and i told her we had to cancel the wedding and she had to move out. now there are other factors in there. she cheated on me, i cheated on her. neither of those situtations helped. she especially took it harder than i did.

so about a week and a half ago i told her. she agreed and said she wasn't happy either (although i'm having trouble understanding that). she had a great life with me. i loved her, gave her everything i could, and she didn't have to do anymore than show up. and it's not like we struggled for much. i make very good money and i own a beautiful house. she came and went as she pleased, and i'm not the jealous type so i didn't care who she hung out with or how she dressed either (and she was very well endowed so i think most guys would have gotten bent out of shape about her showing them off).

so needless to say at first i was allright with my decision. then a few days later i met this girl in a bar....my first bad move maybe. she's awesome. similiar humor, born 2 days before me, social drinker, loves sex, similiar OCD habits, high maintenance, etc. the only drawback is she really likes kids, i don't, but that's also because i'm young and selfish i suppose. so she and i hit it off immediately. we hooked up that night and saw eachother every day before she went back to florida. yeah, you read it right. she's from my area but moved to FL in november and was only up for her brother's birthday. so now she's gone, although she wants me to come down and see her next weekend.

my problem: my ex, who still lives with me while looking for a place, went on a date last night, and i totally felt like my stomach was being ripped out. she did know about the girl i hooked up with because she went through my phone when i was sleeping one night (which was another fight alltogether) so i don't know if she did it as a power play or what.

it just upsets me so much that i did EVERYTHING for this girl and she didn't love me enough to put up a fight or change or do anything for me before it was too late. and it's conflicting because i met this other girl, who knows the deal with my ex, and i think she's awesome. so it's like i'm enamored with this one girl and planning to go see her in like 2 weeks and i'm still torn inside over my ex.

am i fucked up???? am i a bad person??

honest opinions please. and i know what most of you will say: "the new chic is a rebound" but in reality my ex was the rebound from my one great love when i was 20. lasted 6 years, kinda like jon favreau's character in 'swingers', but regardless of whether she was a rebound, i still grew to care for her deeply.

i guess in reality i'm just upset that i don't have more self worth. i did so much to make this relationship work and although i can easily admit i'm no picnic to live with i'm sure, it's just upsetting that my ex didn't feel the need to pull her weight. and this new girl thinks i'm awesome and i think she is awesome. ::sigh::

just had to get it out. more to come later.

 

IMO you're being a little selfish. If you're letting her go, then why be upset about who she's seeing?

I think you should help your ex speed up the moving out process, living together through a breakup can't be helping.

 

Disagree with the first part. Totally agree with the second part. Help her move out. Get her gone.

But in my opinion, it doesn't matter how things are now, you're always going to have jealousy over a woman you spent 6 years of your life with. Totally normal I think.

 

I am almost the same situation, my girl and I live together but things have been getting bad between us, even though we pretend things are fine for short periods of time before blowing up again. The ex def sounds like she's not for you, and you need to move on from that. And keep your phone hidden somewhere she should not be snooping through it if you're together let alone if you're not together. As for the other girl, Long Distance relationships don't work so unless she's planning to move back to your area, it probably won't work, but if you're going to visit her have fun and keep your mind off the ex situation. Def help find her a place to live and pack her bags, you need to move on from that.

 

He provided damn near everything for her, paid her bills, etc. never got the amount of sex he wanted out of the relationship, he spent two years trying to help her lose weight - and he's being selfish?

If he was a mean-spirited asshole he'd kick that B to the curb.

He SHOULD kick her out - it's his house, she's looking through his things and taking him for granted.

 

A woman will be with a guy who isn't necessarily the most sexually compatible, physically attractive, most romantic, most appealing... If he's a provisioner (provider).



Having sex 2 or 3 times a month is a huge red flag.

 

yeah, it's like i know this situation needs to be over with and i shouldn't be with her but i just can't help but have that feeling like i should beg her to take me back.

i was a little upset about the phone thing. i had been hiding my phone during the week then i figured i was being paranoid so i left it in my pants pocket. i don't really know why she did it but she used some excuse like: "you wanted to be friends and friends don't lie to eachother about talking to other girls that's why i went through your stuff". i dunno.

i mean i can admit that i was tough to live with at times, somewhat moody, maybe not the best listener, but i think i can honestly say that if she had just had sex with me twice a week and made me feel like she was actually attracted to me i would have dealt with the rest. that's the worst feeling, i never felt like she was actually attracted to me. take note ladies, men feel like that too.

hopefully she'll be taking an apartment this weekend. i didn't have the heart to just tell her to get out. she doesn't really have anywhere to go.

 

no no, we only had sex once every 2 or 3 months, not 2 or 3 times a month. i would have even been happy with 3 times a month, well, not happy, but happier than i was. ha.

 

Don't think your a bad person just because you are unhappy and need a change. Sometimes its in order to see things for how they are.

I don't think you'll be disappointed with meeting someone new.

 

I guess selfish is the wrong word.

I think I'm looking too far ahead.. part of the moving on process is dissolving yourself of those jealously type emotions.

If it was me I wouldn't be angry.... more sad.

 

Well, get over that. She doesn't want you back any more than she's made it apparent she wants you at all. And even if she did, why the hell would you want her back?

A little upset? I'd be furious. Talk about an invasion of privacy. And this honesty bull is a load of crap. The honest truth is she's a lazy overweight freeloader who can't figure out her own life. You've been picking up the slack for her and she's been ungrateful.

Fantastic girl? Ya right. Name some things about her that are so fantastic, I'd love to read them.

God forbid you wanted sex. Maybe you were moody, so what? No one's temperament is perfect or compatible with another person's temperament all the time. If she's using that as an excuse - it's just that, an excuse.

She doesn't sound like she was into you sexually/physically/romantically. Maybe she had something on the side. Maybe her weight made her feel ugly. Regardless, you shouldn't live with not having the amount of sex you want. Period.

Give her a date she must move out by. 2 weeks maybe. The sooner the better. But, if she doesn't move out by that date, call the marshals. Chances are she'll try to charm her way into your good graces to avoid being evicted, so watch out.

You need her out of your life and you need to end the self-pity.

 

Jealousy is normal. Seeing someone you love/loved with another person doesn't feel all that great. It's how you handle the jealousy that's important. Him feeling like crap about it is normal. He didn't hit her on the side of the face or call her a fat slut.

Part of the moving on process is literally moving on for some people. In his case, it's making her ass literally move on to some other sucker she can mooch off of.

I'm sorry for coming off a bit abrasive it's just that you seem like a nice guy and that you've been taken advantage of and that gets under my skin.

 

The new girl is a good thing. She will help you forget about the pain and torture of sex every 2-3 months your ex gave you. She probably did have that date as a power play, its so much easier for a woman to go out and get some than it is for a guy to do it because a lot of guys can't resist. Help her move her stuff out.

Anyone would be attached after being 6 years in a relationship, its normal. But you need to move on, it'll be rough but she treated you like crap. Don't feel bad for her, if anything you should feel bad for yourself.

 

 

 

if its over, its over. kick her ass out of your house, she hasnt paid shit to deserve still living there

 

Would she be considered common-law in New York since you have been living together? If so, you may have a hard time getting her to leave legally. You may need to get professional help (attorney) involved. Now, do what you can to get her to leave on her own peacefully. And urge her daily to get on with her own life.

 

I don't think his situation was common law (does NY even still recognize CL marriage?) because they only lived together for 11 months.

 

If you're going to florida to see the new girl. DO NOT LET YOUR EX KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING if she's still living in your house with all your things, trust me bad idea

 

Wow I could go on for hours about this. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, provide for them, etc. If they aren't into you, they aren't into you, simple as that.

And to the OP saying he's young and selfish...well if you're selfish then I must be off the charts. You not only let, you PAID FOR a broad to live in your house and use all your resources for almost year. Credit cards, doctors, textbooks, that's pretty much what it's like with kids! So maybe you're not as selfish as you think.

I don't think Amis is being too abrasive at all and I agree with him 99%. OP is being taken advantage of, but he let that happen himself, it's not like she put a gun to his head. I too hate to see dudes taken for a ride like this.

Plus, 2 years is a long time to "hope things will turn around."

 

yeah i think NY recognizes common law marriage but not until around the 10 year mark of actually cohabitating i think.

and i am DEFINITELY not telling her i am going down there. i am going to make sure she is moved out first.

i can easily admit i pulled the wool over my own eyes in a way. my brother and cousin were very outspoken about not liking her and that i was giving her too much leeway and too many chances and too much of my time and money. i just wanted to do right by myself because i didn't want to be able to say a year down the road that i didn't try hard enough to make it work. at this point i'm satisfied i have.

the new girl definitely wants to help me forget about this situation i don't know if i necessarily see something long term with her but for right now she is exactly what i need. she's fun and knows how to laugh and likes to get horizontal.

this support from you guys is really helping. i've just never been through something like this and needed to feel the reinforcement that i'm doing the right thing. for a while i didn't mind supporting her because she was in college getting a masters and money was short for her. i happen to be in a position where i own my own house and car and am not really worried about being able to pay my bills so i was more than willing to help her through that, but she graduated 6 months ago now, and i think i've had enough. i need to do this for myself, no matter how hard it is.

 

BUMP

 

i think it was a bad decision (both emotionally and financially) to "support" a girl with whom you absolutely have no legal obligation to do so, keep it going for x amount of years, and then find it hard to believe she can just "get up and leave w/o putting up a fight".

sure you loved her. heck, ive been in similar situations before. but you were under the assumption that she would love you if you supported her. sad to say, you've been had, and its your fault. it doesnt matter if she's cheating (or has cheated) on you at this point. you gave her a free ride with no strings attached (only implied) and she took advantage of it. nobody would want to buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. you gave her the free milk, and sadly, not everyone is as naive as you into thinking she will give you some sort of consolation for all your troubles.

ignore the whole "she cheated on me" part, kick her out, and move on. anything less is just stupid at this point. cut your losses and move on. the new girl seems to be putting out. make the most out of her but dont repeat this same mistake of "supporting" her again.


peace

 

well i'm not really focused on the cheating part. we both cheated on eachother and not that it's necessarily a wash but personally i don't see that as the main issue, which i'm sure most of you would agree with anyway.

i don't think she had any malicious intent either to use me or anything, although maybe that's still me being naive. i see her more as lazy, spoiled and immature. not so much malicious or manipulative.

harsh words from sixsixfour, but there is definitely a valid point in them.

 

Also, when this ends, you may want to consider seriously being single for a while... You mentioned self-worth so, building some of that over time - however you see fit - will help you in your life.

Good luck

 

+1

Sooner this happens, the sooner you can move on.

 

good call. definitely something i need to work on. even at my age.

 

Maslow's Hierarchy of needs...need I say more?
http://chiron.valdosta.edu/whuitt/co...ys/maslow.html

Good luck man.

 

bro, im on your side. i could really care less if you cheated. one of the man rules i live by is that i dont rat out a guy on his girl, nor will i hold you against it. its your life, your decision, and i expect you to be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions should they come. thats not the issue though.

the issue here is getting you to move on and make a better life for yourself. you did mention you make good money and have a house. that makes you a more valuable asset and you should exploit that. i recently got a new home and am exploring other avenues of making more money while im single (I was taken at one point - big mistake then).

you dont need a lazy, spoiled and immature girl who doesnt put out. trust me, when you make yourself more bankable, women would be going after you. guys with their lives in order are appreciating assets. women who are like her are no more than depreciating assets.

as ive said, kick her out, put your head down, focus on your career. stay single for now. make lots of money and yourself happy. if the right woman is out there, you would want to be prepared when you meet her and be able to put your best foot forward. you dont want to be tied down to this (or some other) chick that isnt worth your while and ruin your chances at a better life.

 

ok from a female---please stay away from the hooker in the bar who let you hit it on the first night. she is not a keeper, she is simply eating it up becuase you have been with someone for 6 years and upset, she is taking advantage of you. its a self esteem booster for us chicks almost like "hehe i won" dont fall into her trap and in 6 weeks when you get bumps on your thingie you will know why.

i have been with my man for 7 years in april, its not a walk in the park, believe me i know. i honestly think that you guys need to talk, have a heart to heart converstation...she isint going through your phone because of the reason she says she is..she is doing it becuase she cares and is dying inside at the thought of you with someone else...the same reason you feel that way. i am not telling you to beg for her back but there is a reason why you were planning a wedding. you need to be honest with her about the support/cleaning/pulling her weight around the house thing. she needs to have sex with you more often....i cannot relate on the sex topic after 7 years we still do it about 15 times a month and i am the one complaining that its not enough. be open and ask her whats the deal with sex....does she not like it? stressed? uncomfortable with her body? masterbates too much? whats the deal.... when she says im fat, dont say ok lets go to the gym!!! say no honey you are sexy. us girls have our fat feeling days and the last thing we want to hear is a man we love telling us to work out or do something about it. you dont have to be naked to have sex. pour your heart out to her

and if things dont work in the end....dont jump into another relationship or get tied up with a fu8k buddy, take some time to get yourself together, rebound is not the answer. you cant love someone else when someone else has your heart.

she is probably asking herself after 6 years why isint he begging me to come back and make this work. she is tore up inside too i promise. be honest with her, dont let this other hooker who probably has a husband and kids in FL mess with your head. she was at the bar for a reeaaasssoonn....

dont let her slip away

 

i have my stuff together, i have a car in my own name, i own a brand new house, and i have a good job... to me a guy with his life together is VERY attractive...nothing more of a turnoff than a guy that has a bum job and lives with his parents. if it doesnt work in the end, i doubt you will have a problem getting someone else. dont go looking for a new chick to take home to mommy in the bar/club. not the market you want to be in....things are always perfect at first.

 

too bad there are so few of you and a lot of other women give you guys a bad rep.

truer words have never been spoken though.

 

Read amisconceptions posts again.

Then read them again.

For once, I don't disagree with a single word.

It's hard, but clean breaks are best for everyone involved. Get out, give yourself some time to get your head screwed on straight (not saying you can't date, or go visit your girl in FL, just don't get too serious too fast), and move on with your life. There is not a single thing you've said that makes me think you should put effort into salvaging this relationship.

And her invading your privacy that way is not okay. I don't care what reasons she gives. You both obviously have reasons not to trust each other, but that's no way to work on trust.

Get out.

 

Just use the FL girl as an F buddy, no point in starting something serious now. Sure she's great now because you've only known her for a week.

 

Run away from her like you're a Frenchman in June of 1940

 

wow, alot of stuff to reply to here...where to start....

07tsxchic - maybe i was misleading when i said we 'hooked up', i actually didn't hit it the first night i met her. although i do see the point you're trying to make, and it's a good one. she was pretty buzzed but i made it clear to her that it's not a good idea since we didn't know eachother, and to be honest i'm glad i did.

i wish i could feel like it was as easy as talking it out, and to be truthful i would give anything to be able to do that and have it work. the problem is that over the past 2-3 years we have discussed it over, and over, and over. and we brought that up when we split and the concensus was that we bring these issues up but don't do anything about them. now mainly the issues were related to her concerning sex, personal ambition, pitching in around the house, etc. and i basically came to the conclusion that after 3 years if nothing has changed then she either doesn't want to change or doesn't have the personal capacity to do so at this time. in my opinion, whichever of the two the answer is it means she needs time on her own.

as far as her weight goes she is around 50lbs overweight right now. she was thick when i met her (which i loved) and has continued to gain weight over the years. to be honest, i could care less about her weight as long as she is healthy. the issue is that it's a constant source of depression for her and it cripples her social life and our sex life and she refuses to do anything about it basically. and believe me i always told her she was sexy and beautiful and how much i loved being with her in bed, but the whole gym thing i mentioned was that she wanted to join the gym so i got her the membership and we were going like 5 days a week for the first couple of months but then she basically gave up saying she felt self conscious at the gym and didn't like going. it's a small gym made up of mainly women so to me that's a BS excuse. if anything *I* feel self conscious there because although i am thin i am not in athletic shape. so basically she resigned herself to giving up and still will sit and eat ben and jerry's every night if it's in the house. not the way to help yourself. i do understand about having "fat days" and the fact that it's a vicious cycle, but at this point there is no more i can do for her than i have allready done.

as far as the girl in FL goes, i completely agree that i just met her, i really don't know her and it could be bad if it turns out she's been lying to me. i will give you as much as i know right now on the story and what i have verified by myself (thank god for the patriot act). she moved to florida in Nov of last year. she had been in a 6 or so year relationship living with her abusive stoner boyfriend. she finally got the courage/fortitude/whatever to move out but she ended up moving to FL with her parents (she was originally from the area and went to a local high school, not sure when her parents moved down there). i have verified that her home number is her 'rents and the address and all that so it seems legit to that effect. her older brother, who actually happens to know alot of people i know - small world, turned 30 last week so she flew up for his surprise party and happened to be out in the bar with 2 of her friends who i ended up meeting again later in the week when i met them out one night.

we both hung out on her last night here in NY and said we don't want to jump the gun on this. she knows i'm not ready and i know theres a 1200 mile divide. so long story short we agreed we wanted to get to know eachother more and maybe visit once in a while and see what happens in the long run.

now that having been said, i have no way of verifying whether she is a slut or what. i like to think she's telling the truth, but don't we all??

ok, jumping back to the ex....yes i understand why she went through my phone. clearly when she told me i knew she just wanted to know what i was doing and i know it's killing her inside, which is why i didn't want her to know in the first place. i do love her, and i did want to marry her, but there was no way i could do that in the state our relationship was in. not that i think anyone is questioning me on that part. the other part is that most of my friends and family don't think she's right for me. i don't know about my mother by my brother hates her, as does my cousin (who is like a brother to me). i think my mom accepts her because i love her but i don't know how she truly feels.

but my point is, given that we spent 3 years circling the same issues with no resolve and that she refuses to help herself or accept my help, should i really be focusing on not letting her slip away? it's like yeah of course i don't want her to go, it's killing me inside, but is this situation really the healthy thing for myself or my life??? to that question i really feel like i have to say 'no, it's not'.

all kidding aside, sex is very important to me and she doesn't ever do anything to make me feel attractive and clearly she doesn't want sex. the nub of it is that she cheated on me with a girl, twice, so maybe she doesn't really like men but won't admit it to herself. who the hell knows. all i know is that i can't sit around another year waiting for a change and i honestly am torn. i don't want her to go but i feel like it's the best. ::sigh::

 

How you doin'

 

i shouldn't neglect to mention that she got piss drunk in june and was out on the street screaming that she hated me and couldn't stay in the same house as me (because i had cheated in january) and that she didn't respect me, bla bla bla. so given that when you're drunk you tend to speak the truth i also think that's another reason why i need to do this. no doubt she was hurting inside over what happened, but what she did was uncalled for.

tsxchic, i respect your opinion as a woman. what do you think about this part? i know i didn't mention it earlier.

 

stop bitching and kick her out already

 

So how do you feel about causing a girl to go play for the other team?

But seriously, I think you've answered your own questions. You need to get rid of this girl no matter how hard it hurts and realize in a week or 2 you'll wake up and think "what the hell was I doing to myself this whole time??"