blueracer17

My gf and I have known each other for a year and been dating for 6 months. Everything was great up until 8 weeks ago when she started a summer school class. She works a full time summer job, has a 3.5 y/o son, but lives at home with her parents, so she gets a lot of help from them. Well, over the course of the class she started to seemingly get stressed out and became less engaged in the relationship. To shorten this up, I will make a list of the symptoms I have noticed over the course of the past 8 weeks. This week will be the second week of summer class being over. She got an A in the class. She claims she needs time to "calm down". She's been claiming that since the class ended.

Here are her symptoms:

Tired, even after plenty of sleep
Anxiety, with tingling in hands and pain
panic attacks
absolutely zero libido (being physical with me brings on anxiety)
gasps for breath at times (while relaxing watching a movie ect.)
Cranky and moody (she was never like this, not even close)
antsy/restless
headaches
Rapid weight gain (9 lbs in 8 weeks) she is not a big girl by any stretch, 9 lbs is def. visible

We had a great relationship up until her class started. It came to a head in a hotel room on Saturday night. I was feeling that she was pulling away and asked her why she barely kisses me and why we haven't slept together since June. She is not cheating on me, she has some kind of condition that needs to be addressed. I told her on Saturday she should go in and get some help, if she wanted I would go with her.

I love her and want to support her, but I feel like at this point no matter what I say or do will be perceived by her as "pressure" which makes the situation worse. I am going crazy. I feel neglected and lonely and just want my girlfriend back. When I told her this she got pissed and said, "that makes it better, more pressure", then she pretty much ran out the door. She text'd me later to apologize for the way she has been lately. I'm lost. Thanks for any help.

I want to support her and see her get better.
I should add that she is 24, was very well put together and smart. Girl of my dreams in so many ways.

csmeance

Most of those are side-effects of stress. She sounds like she has a lot to deal with, relationship, her child, her family, getting on her feet, getting an education, etc. I think she should see a doctor and make sure stuff is in check, and if she is getting anxiety attacks then something to help calm her down such as a muscle relaxant (like Ativan/Lorzepam)

lightjak_tsx

some of the symptoms are signs of depression...
some of the symptoms are panic-anxiety attacks...
consult a doctor and follow-up on labs...

blueracer17

^^^ That's exactly what my gut is telling me too. Next question, how the hell do you convince somebody to seek help? She knows there is a problem, but I'm pretty sure she thinks it will get better with time. I'm not convinced, seeing as it has gotten worse over time, even when the stress of summer class has been removed. Thank you for the comments, it def. helps to vent a little and get some feedback at the same time.

Whiskers

Its you....

doopstr

You may fix it now, but it will be back. Are you prepared to deal with this long term?

TS_eXpeed

This.
I've seen this first hand with my mother.
Not anxiety, but other kinds of psychological instability.

sixsixfour

+1

MWalsh9152

what about the decreased libido?

amisconception

Hi. It's not stress. She's cheating on you, and I'm willing to bet on it. It's most likely with someone in her summer school class.

For the sake of your penis and your self-esteem, bang other women, immediately. To me, the possibility that you are playing surrogate daddy at least part-time to her child necessitates frequent sexual encounters if not on-demand fellatio. Not meeting that criteria is a license to sleep with other women, or cut her out of your life completely (which I would rather recommend).

If you want to test her, surprise her with a visit to this summer school class. Not once, but twice, just in case her lover misses the day you show up.

Also, how old is she? What sort of summer school class is this? She's not in high school is she?

blueracer17

conception,
I appreciate your honesty and enthusiasm, but it's an online university summer class that she completed at home, with me by her side several nights. She is 24. She is not cheating on me, I am very confident in that. She has an anxiety disorder, that once treated, I am confident our relationship will be fine. I am not going to throw her under the bus because she has a disorder that can be treated. Is it testing my patience? Of course, but it is not changing my love for her. She doesn't want things to be this way, she just needs to take the proper steps to take care of the problem. It's not simple, but it's not impossible either. I bought a book on anxiety today and read it from cover to cover. It shed a lot of light on the situation in front of me and gave me some hope as to our future together. So breaking up is not the answer for me. Cheating is not an option either, I had a 2 year affair with a married woman (while I was single) and will not enter that lifestyle ever again.

its rayden

this doesn't make much sense to me. an online summer course causing stress? my gut tells me there's something else. how are things with her parents? how's her son? do you think she might be keeping something from you? i don't mean like she's cheating, but something that she thinks you ought not to be concerned with?

you should definitely continue to be honest with her and communicate how you feel about her recent behavior. at the same time, keep reaffirming your commitment to her. nothing is going to be resolved by keeping quiet. in the end, it'll all work itself out for the best.

good luck.

TS_eXpeed

There have been people who've gone batshit crazy because in their last semester, they ruined 4.0's. Like...seriously have gone postal.

Eoanou

Two words:

Ditch her.

My guess is she's developed a drug habit or is recovering from one.

Or maybe she needs a Zanex.

justnspace

iTrader: (1)

contradicting, aren't we?
recovering drug habit, but wait...lets give her Xanax.

03bl AC k CL

i suffered from and am relieved of severe panic/anxiety disorder. i was at the point where i experienced something called depersonalization 24/7 and my panic attacks were severe enough to keep me from leaving my apartment for anything more than a minimal amount of time. i couldnt go into stores, malls, etc. i never had any sort of issues before in my life. have always been very socially adjusted, and it hit me out of nowhere.

i experienced a huge decrease in my sex drive during this time, mainly because i didnt feel like a human being and was severely depressed due to the fact i didnt know how to cure what was wrong with me. it had nothing to do with my girlfriend, but our relationship suffered a lot. this occured between october-about february of 2009 into 2010. as of now i feel like my old self and it is awesome. i tried to wait it out back in the summer of 2009. i felt weird for a while before it hit a boiling point, and trust me tell her to seek help asap, because ignoring this problem makes it a whole lot worse.

i had to get on medication and it made a world of difference. i have always been firmly against medication, but i also never went thru any issues such as this. i dont mind talking about it now that im over it, but you dont want to tell anybody what youre going through when you live it, becuase you feel like people will think youre crazy (partly because i myself thought i was going crazy).

be supportive, do not push her to do anything she is uncomfortable with, but dont be an "enabler" and let her play into her comfort zone. when she feels it safe she will travel out of it. medication in this instance (in my opinion) is definitely necessary. i was also given xanax as a fast acting relief and it works wonders. i havent had to use it in months (last time was for a plane ride). i function about 98% normal now (every now and then i get a very mild case of panic in certain situations but lifes good after seeking help.

if you have any specific questions pm me id be happy to help anyone who is dealing with this.

ILLustriousUA6

iTrader: (2)

Seriously tell her to seek help. I have the same symptoms and is currently dealing with this shit. I am on meds, but the meds tire the living hell out of me, causing me to function like a zombie, sleeping like a pig, so I stopped taking it, BUT will be going back to the docs.

I am also currently taking summer school and my first panic attack was during my first summer session. I was stressed the hell out and I guess the buildup led to a panic attack at5AM on the morning. went to the ER immediately, since my heart was beating abnormally and very hard thrusts.. It's a very, very scary feeling and I am sharing with you because it's not easy to get through it. It's tough and no one will ever understand it untill you go through with it.

She really needs to go to the Dr. and get help ASAP if this is new to her. I am currently on 10mg of PAXIL. It's too bad I can't take this drug since there are so many side effects. My friend is currently on wellbutrin and I will be asking him how it's working for him.

One way she can do is to meditate in a quiet area, take deep, controlled breaths. Or maybe go walk around the mall, go somewhere FUN that you guys might enjoy. It works for me. I am still trying to find new ways to forget about this problem.

Yes, she can have some sort of therapy/counseling that I heard of works. Ever since my first incident, I have been researching up anxiety/panic attacks..


I feel you. I still feel as if I'm not normal and i never used to be like this. I dunno how this all started as well. It hit so fast, i was struck.

I have a final in 3 days and I had a mild attack yesterday in bed. I haven't had these attacks in about 1 month now, but since finals coming up, I feel the pressure, the anxiety growing stronger and I am feelin my heart beat harder and that shortness of breath, graasping for air.



ALL in all, i think your gf has too much on her hands. She reallly needs to take a break from her hectic schedule. I'm pretty sure she has a lot on her mind, which builds up that anxiety..

Does she think negatively a lot btw?

03bl AC k CL, please keep in touch with me.

ILLustriousUA6

iTrader: (2)

keep on supporting her and don't put anymore stressful things in her life. It just makes it worse. If anything, I can PM you some articles for you and her to read so it can encourage her to seek help! I know the articles alone led me to go to the DR's.. LMK by PM if you'd like!

tommystyle86

iTrader: (2)

ummm have you thought the possibility of her being prego? sorry to throw that one out there. quite a few symptoms there.

blueracer17

As an update to my original thread, my girlfriend above is now my ex girlfriend. I asked her on Aug. 29th, after a lot of thought and feeling rejected, if she wanted to break up and she said, "not ideally, but I don't know what else to do." Obviously I am not thrilled about this development, very sad in fact, but I have to live with it and respect her needs. I always said I would do anything for her, if that means letting her go for a while I will do that. If I have to let her go forever, then I have to understand that life doesn't always workout like you envision it to be. Everything happens for a reason, I don't know the reason yet, but I hope in time it will become apparent.

As for even more recent developments-We have two classes together at school and after two days, things are OK between us. She sat by me in our two classes (I was already there, she came to me) and we have gotten along just fine, actually laughing and joking around. I'm guessing that having the pressure of a relationship off her mind has made her much more at ease around me.

We sat for an hour on friday after psychology and talked about non "us" stuff. Body language was positive, eye contact was present and she appeared to be comfortable. At the end of the conversation she insisted that she "doesn't want to lose me in her life" and quote, "I am going to keep you". Please understand that the last quote I mentioned is one that she has said to me multiple times over the course of our time together and didn't stun me. It did make me want to ask her under what capacity she "wants to keep me", but chose to just roll with what she said. We hugged and then we went our separate ways.

There are a lot of other finer details, but I will save those for anybody interested in PM'ing, as I don't care share everything in the public portion of this forum. Thanks to all for your insight.

1Louder

blueracer,

I'm married to someone who suffers from anxiety, and I'll just say this isn't something you should figure out on your own. Your list of symptoms above have some very physical changes and they should be looked into. She should be seeing a doctor and get a proper set of labs done to see if there is something chemical going on. Keep in mind these may be symptoms of something else, not anxiety. Yes, she has a stressful life but its worth the time to see a doctor so you know what you are dealing with. FWIW, my wife's anxiety did not become full-on until our kids were 3-4 years old. Childbirth can do many unexpected things to some women. If that's all clear counseling might be a good idea to explore her stress, if thats what it is.

Cliffs: let professionals figure this one out.

ILLustriousUA6

iTrader: (2)

^^ that is really good advice. Esp. on the counseling part.

The relationship is definitely something that is off her shoulders now so she has one less thing to worry about(don't take this as a neg. way bro). You just keep doing you and I think it will all work out one way or the other. =)

amisconception

How do you get to this crossroads and not discuss her reasons? It is not simply that she doesn't want a relationship, there is a specific reason for that. It may not have anything to do with you, surely. But, it may, and it may help you get over the pain of separation and also not delude yourself into thinking there may be a future for the both of you. Why would you not inquire?

Interestingly enough when I asked about her summer school class, you indicated that it was taken online. But wait, you're now both taking courses in a traditional lecture setting? I'm not going to presume this has something to do with your break up, but I want to know now, out of curiosity, if school had an impact on her decision. I can't imagine chemistry class was so riveting, that she decided to break up with you to spare you the anguish of not having a woman around for the sake of understanding how compounds react under specific conditions, for example.

I also want to see if my initial instincts of whether or not another man is involved was accurate. Pardon me for using your experience to refine my ideas.

blueracer17

amisconception,

I agree with your assessment of "how do you not discuss her reasons?" When you are dealing with somebody that is not 100% well mentally, standard logic does not apply. Do I think that somewhere inside she knows exactly what happened and why and what is going on now? Yes I do. As to why I did not inquire.....I honestly believe the true answer lies so deep within her, that a professional would be required to extract it. All she could tell me is that she didn't want to break up with me (ideally), but she did not know what else to do. I think we all agree that she should get help and that it would be a good place to start (as far as what to do).

As for your second point. We signed up for these two classes together back in April. I don't believe school had a direct impact on her decision. I do believe the summer class stressed her out and put her in a bad place, but did not directly cause us to break up.

As for your initial instinct of another man. I can assure you that she did not cheat on me and that she would not cheat on me. Your initial instincts were wrong on that point.

Depression/Anxiety/Panic attacks and mental disorders in general strip a lot from a person. It strips their ability to act rationally, it takes away their emotional center and makes it difficult for them to express themselves. I know I did everything I could to make it work, and ultimately she did not do anything. Do I blame her personally? No. I blame the disorder. What I do blame her for, is not seeking help in order to help herself and to help our relationship.

So could one surmise that maybe she was just not that into me anymore given the fact that she was not proactive in seeking help? Absolutely, but I don't think it's quite that simple. I don't have many answers, just lots of questions. I think that's the nature of this beast.

Street Spirit

Sounds like the relationship also weighed heavily on her and (no offense) she feels some relief from not having anything formal with you. I've seen that happen a lot with couples who weren't necessarily meant to be but still stuck together even when they probably should've broken up much sooner... Suddenly they all got along so much better and felt so much more relaxed once they didn't feel like they had to 'answer to you' or be one part of a couple anymore. Sounds like a friendship is what will likely work best from now on.

phee

iTrader: (5)

Sounds like commitment issues possibly another man. Don't fool yourself into thinking there is a future. She may be using you as a place holder. You seem like a nice guy and people take advantage of that.