My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me about 1 month ago. The relationship was already in trouble a few months prior, but I never thought she would break up with me...hence, I did not put forth any effort earlier.

Obviously, I apologized for all of my wrongs and selfish behavior. I'm taking steps to change and get my life back into focus because I think that's what drove her away. I made her feel that we were different people with different values when in reality, it wasn't. Just know that I'm 29 and she's 30 so this relationship was also about marriage.

And while she's not sure if we'll get back together, she definitely did not say that we would not either. She sorta just left it open. It's the only hope that I have. At the same time though, she let me know that she may start dating other people again.

Anyone here have a breakup with their bf/gf only to have them come back a few months down the road? Were they casually dating other people during that time?

I'm also stuck not knowing if me trying too hard now would only drive her further away or will she see that I'm making a lot of effort because she's that important to me.

 

Sometimes you don't know what you had until it's gone. I think that's probably partially of what she's hoping to drill into you. Putting in effort after the fact isn't nearly as important as putting in the effort while you're together.

I know there are probably some women who are looking to get married at that age, and when the proposal hasn't happened yet in such a long term relationship, they like to shake things up. Sometimes this jolts the guy into realizing he really does want to marry her, and so things move forward, and sometimes she just moves on to find someone else who IS ready and who is more what she's looking for at this point in her life.

Be sure to work on yourself because YOU are unhappy with how things are for you right now, and not because someone else doesn't like it. Changes will only be worthy and long-lasting if they're done for the right reasons.

There's always the possibility this is just a wake-up call. Only she can truly answer if there's a possibility of you two getting back together. You've gotta decide if that's what you want too.

 

hmm lasted longer than I thought it would.
Sorry to hear that

 

If you she's marriage material and wants this to work, she will appreciate you making an effort. If you have to play games to get her back - meaning, play hard to get - you most definitely do NOT want to marry this woman.

 

I would try to get together with her for a coffee (maybe her place), lay all your cards on the table and talk. Be honest, tell her your feelings, etc. In my other post, I was told I made a mistake to admit I still had feelings for my ex. But why play games. Being honest with her gives her the real picture and lets her make a better decision on where your relationship may go.

My 2 cents.

 

I don't think she is playing games with me. When we talked, she made it clear that we were "just friends for now". She's not playing hard to get. I guess she's just uncertain if I am what she wants because for the past year I made it seem like we had nothing in common and that everytime she wanted to do something, I would say "no". I certainly don't blame her for feeling the way she does.

Since the breakup, I told her many times that I was selfish and not who I really was and I'm making every effort to show her. She is skeptic that every nice thing I do now is only temporary because I want her back.

As for putting in effort, I guess there is a possiblity of TOO much effort right? I don't want to step over the boundary where she might feel like I'm smothering her. Of course, I don't know where that boundary is. She is away on vacation and is having a new floor put in her kitchen so I'm housesitting for her. I painted her entire kitchen to a color that she had in mind. I also replaced a lot of flowers she had outside that died during the winter. It may seem like too much, but hey, how often do you get that chance to make a good impression?

I also put up my TSX for sale so I could pay off my credit card debt. That was an important issue that was occasionaly brought up so now I'm taking action to get rid of it. It will be good for me since I know I'll feel liberated from all that burden afterwards. I want to show her that I'm financially responsible.

 

sounds like you are on your way! good luck!

 

Only pursue this if you are sure you want to be with her. Dont waste her time if you are not willing to commit.

Good luck

 

solid advice. be fair to her...if you aren't serious, cut strings and let her find another person.

hopefully, she's not away on vacation with that "other" person.

 

People don't change. You acted selfishly for a reason. Time to move on.

 

You'll get back together if it is meant to be. Just get on with your life and just let things be. I wouldn't be too pushy towards, that will drive her away.

 

I heard that before, but I disagree. People can change..it's not like I'm innately selfish. If I was, she wouldn't have even started dating me to begin with. I just became too absorbed with myself over the past 2 years because I got caught up with the importance of money, addiction to ebay and video games and just too lazy to put any effort in showing that I cared. All because I thought she would never leave me.

People can change permanantly if they get a good wakeup call.

 

Not suggesteing your innately selfish. But if you really loved and cared for her you wouldn't have become too absorbed with yourself and put her second in the first place. I hope I'm wrong, I'm just suggesting that you should start looking deeper at your feelings for her. Maybe you don't love her as much as you think you do.

The possibility exists that you feel this way now because you fear being alone.

Something to think about.

 

Dom could be right alittle, you knew a few months before she was drifting way but you did nothing or very little about it. Sounds like a very fair girl, she gave you 2years of hoping you would change.

Just make the best effort, don't crowd her about getting back together like you all ready know.

I was in a similar situation to you but it took me the best part of a year (effort) to really show her she had my 100% attention. Its not a easy road, and if you decide to change,you better have true intentions of keeping it that way, or you may not get other chance.

 

Being together for 5 years is a long time for most couples, give her the space that she needs and she'll come back to you. At the same time, make improvements on yourself. When she starts seeing other people it will be shock for her as well. It's hard to start over fresh with someone new. She'll miss what she had with you IMO

 

if she said she was gonna start dating again, she wants to go get plowed by other dudes

i suggest if you really want her back, you take the break and go screw as many chicks as you can, after about five girls, try to win your ex back, be the man you wanna be and then you can marry her and have had your thrills

 

You have a lot of things to do and think about. First, determine if she is definitely the one. This should be relatively easy, if it isnt easy to figure out or your not sure, than she probably isn't.

If she is 100% the one, then you must show her in no uncertain terms how much you care for her. The expression "playing games" is often used and is watered down some, but still so important. Be absolutely sincere, honest, and and complete with your feelings. Even though saying some things are difficult, it will be better in the long run. Tell her that you are aware of your shortcomings, and that you would like to address any problems that she has. The one thing that I don't think you'll want to live with is that you potentially could have played any games, so don't. It will tear you up later. You must go out with dignity and honor.
Some of the problems that you mentioned that she has with you like not being fiscally responsible and just squandering money on e-bay and what not are completelt warranted gripes, and shit that you better get together fast.

Those odds and ends that you did at her place were a good idea and she will appreciate it and see that you are trying and care. I wish you all the luck in the world. Be strong and if she does need time and space, respect that, even though its nearly impossible!!

 

Lesson learned is that you can't take your significant other for granted. I learned this at a young age for the exact same reasons you listed- money, video games, not going down on her enough, ect...

 

Yeah, I think all I can do is to show her my honest feelings and not through words alone, but through action. Obviously, it's going to take a lot of persistence. Maybe she is looking for that. That I actually follow through this time before committing herself to me again. Because before, the things I said I'd do or change never came through.

And like you said, I don't want to go on thinking I didn't try hard enough, but at the same time, I want to give her the space...so I need to be conscious of establishing a good balance.

 

Give her the space that she wants. If she wants to see other guys, let her. She will realize that she misses what she had with you. Plus at your ages, she is not going to want to spend a lot of time dating.
If you really want to get her back, dont worry about "screwing as many girls as your can", but concentrate on really making changes within yourself.
Just dont call her up begging that she takes you back, let her come to you. Just be open and honest with her. Tell her whats going on in your life when you talk to her.

 

totally agree with whats been posted, just go with that, itll serve you the best i think.

i had a gf for a while, she broke up with me in january, but it was still "up in the air" ya know. so then i just went on doin diff things and only talked to her occasionally. and she just came running back (3 months later). and she didnt date anyone in the mean time either.

so hopefully that can happen in your situation. just go do your own thing and only keep some contact, dont obsess. make her an option not a priority. then she'll start remembering everything and if you see her a month later she'll know what she missed. then boom shes back

 

Well, she came back from CA last night. Her friend picked her up at the airport. She was quite impressed with everything I did to her house. She even invited me to dinner with her friend that night. I know she did it out of appreciation and nothing more because she had intended on treating us both (me for housesitting and her friend for picking her up at airport). I'm not going to overanalyze anything. I certainly didn't get any signs that showed otherwise. Probably too soon to be hopeful anyways. Hopefully, she doesn't see me as "just a friend" because I definitely don't want to fall into that category.