Ok so me and my girlfriend “broke up” last week, it was more like an annulment of our relationship. It was way to soon to try anything serious and she couldn't handle the distance, but we're still dating though. While it sucked I think I'm ok with it.

But thats not what I was writing about. I can never let anyone actually get close to me, its rare for someone to slip through the cracks. I don't like to give someone the power to totally crush you, the feeling of vulnerability scares me. I've had some bad relationships (in fact, all of them) and I'm so closed off, I can hardly ever open up to people. Like when I wasn't physically with her I had to convince myself that she didn't mean anything to me, so if it didn't work out I could just move on with my life.

There are just always these walls around me and while everyone knows me, almost no one really knows me. She tells me she really misses me, and still really has feelings for me and I know she does, but I feel so cold. I know I still have feelings for her, but until I can actually be with her in person I just can't let myself feel anything toward her. Every once in a while I won't be able to block it off and it'll hit me and I'll get depressed. I know it's not a healthy way of dealing with things, but I can't help but feel that way. I don't know if it's something you grow out of or what.

It's not like I'm desperate or anything. Im a pretty good looking guy, I'm always flirting with any chick I talk to and I get hit on all the time. Its just very rare for me to find someone I have chemistry with and I'm ridiculously picky. Especially when it comes to their personality or at least what I percieve theirs to be. I dunno, fuck it.

 

Yeah, yeah...I know what you mean...like, I would answer you, but it might mean I have to get mentally involved with your bullshit, stupid, fucked up, idiotic, thread-whore, dumbass problem and fuck that...cuz I don't want to let your bullshit in so it can get close to me...

...you mean like that?

 

IMO, if you don't put anything into any relationship, you won't get anything out of it. So while you think it's protecting you (which it might actually accomplish), you're also not getting as much out of it as you could anyway, so what are you really saving yourself from?!

 

i feel the same way as you, zguy, but i've actually got an explanation for why i am the way i am.

my first love came when i was 22-23 yrs old and i wound up being cheated on. i was absolutely crushed and vowed to never let myself be so vulnerable again.

it took me 5 years to fall in love again, it was earlier this year. kayla told me she loved me a good 3 months before i repeated because i was scared to allow someone else in the way i had years before.

today: single again. i broke up with her because she decided that stripping was a justifiable means of income, even though it was to save up to move down here to tampa with me.

i have standards (high ones too) and even though i'm still shook up about my recent brake up i feel as if i made the right decision.

it's ok to be picky and weigh your options. only you know what you want out of a woman and what you need. everything you're going through seems natural enough to me.

best of luck to ya

 

What must be addressed in your situation, and others like you, is the "every" of the equation....

Your woman is not your everything...
Every woman is not like your last...
Every woman is not like all other women...
Everytime you love you must love freely, making yourself susceptible to hurt. If a woman can't hurt you, then you don't love her fully and completely.
Everytime before you love, you must be AVAILABLE emotionally, spiritually, and mentally or it will not work.
Every woman you love that supposedly loves you back, has hopes and dreams of a love without a limit. She has needs just as much as you do.
Every relationship you enter is not just about you. You must get over yourself, in order to get along with others.
Everytime you fall in love, that love will be what you two make it. If you both give it your all, that's what you get. If your effort is half-assed, that's what you will get...

 

^^^ Where the hell do you find this stuff darksom? Shit is so deep ahahhaah :p I feel that I am on Loveline when I come and read some of this rambling stuff. It keeps me pretty busy at work. I'll try to come up with a successful bank story for you guys.

 

I think over time you'll be able to gauge better what people are really like deep down, and thus who you should open yourself up to. Honestly, at your age you should just be concentrating on meeting, dating and banging as many girls as possible, and learning as much as you can about who would be worth your time and who won't be. And really the only way to do this is trial and error.

Even though I might sound insensitive, honestly the girls around your age aren't really looking for "love," instead they are doing this same experimental thing that I mentioned above (whether knowingly or not). Trust me I learned this the hard way.

It's ok to open yourself up to other girls that you deem worthy, but realize at this stage in your life if it doesn't end well it's just a learning experience that will ultimately help you later in life.

 

To be fair to the OP, he is not experienced enough...notice I did not say old enough, though time is necessary to gain the experience needed to navigate love.

The OP is still in the status of being just a by-product of love, and not mature and seasoned enough to recognize love and to fashion it into something he can call his own. How can you receive love when you don't even know what it is?

When you have learned what your limitations are, created your own "path", realized who you are and what your needs are, mastered your emotions and understood that you must respect and expect the same of a mate...then you can begin to assume that you present a "man" to a woman.

Until then dawg...you just fucking and treading water...just a Flintstone kid - "ten million strong...and growing"

 

Wow. That was very well said.

 

I agree

 

zguy,

You're at the very heart of the matter of being with someone. As some of Dark's phrases pointed out, to be in love is to be vulnerable, to be exposed, and to give all that to someone trusting they won't be reckless with it. Then they do the same for you. But it's a two-edged sword. You have to offer that if you want a real relationship, but offering it exposes you to be hurt. That's why betrayal of trust in a relationship is such a big deal.

So first off, realize that closing yourself off is an effective defense mechanism, but it will never allow you to be close to someone - if that is your goal. You're going to have to reconcile the fact that you'll reach a moment with someone else where if you don't risk it your relationship won't progress. But it's something we all have to do.

Don't give up, and don't remain closed off. Proceeding with caution is OK, but give yourself permission to open up when you are with the right girl - someone worth taking the risk. Few things in life worth having come without risk. Love tops the list of things most worth having, but it also has the most risk associated with it. Most people take that chance and loose at least once. But when you win, you win big.

 

well, I just let one in completely, and I got shit on.

 

A Charlotte chick shitted on you? (say this 3x real fast!)

 

OP....Everyone here has been hurt by someone before. It is part of being human. I agree with Dark. Sometimes being in a position to be hurt is improtant, because it opens up the possibility of being loved.

Be careful, but don't completely shut yourself off. If you do, then you will have a string of relationships that end because women keep saying to you that they didn't see a future, or you never really opened up to them.

 

ummmm.......pics?

lol

 

whoa, i feel like we should pay your for this stuff. really, the things you say aren't earth-shattering, yet you make things seem so simple

 

On a more serious note, being a little closed up isnt always a bad thing either.

if you arent looking for "the one", you'll probably just out there enjoying being single (as in unmarried), so you really shouldnt be falling in love with every piece that comes your way.

I was the same as you for a long time. Had a couple long term gf's that I really enjoyed being around, but never really let myself get too intangled with emotions toward them.

My current wife broke that down (and pretty easily) and in the end I was better off letting myself get vulnerable, but able to love/be loved.

IMO the right girl will be able to break down your defenses, and even if its more work for you and her, it will show that the feelings you both have are real. Also, dont be surprised to find a lot of girls that act/feel the same as you. Lots of a**holes and b*tches out there nowadays, and people will always react defensively when hurt. Usually that means being closed up and "unloveable".

 

Everything ends bad, or it wouldn't end at all
Everygirl is, was, or will be a whore
Everything comes to an end.

 

Even after being with the same girl for 4+ years, I still struggle with this kind of. Basically you can't let the highs and good moments get you so euphoric that the lows end up crushing you. I don't think I'm bipolar but who knows Just keep it chill and don't let your emotions swing too far either way.