Rounder

This has been bothering me for months now, even though it doesn't directly concern me.

My best friend is like a brother to me, and his girlfriend has been out of work for almost two years now.

The back story to this, they live in separate states, so semi LDR. They both live at home, in their early 30s. They met online, have been "dating" nearly 2.5 years. Most of the time he drives to see her every weekend, and uses gas + tolls which quickly adds up.

She has a history of making bad life choices and getting herself fired from jobs.

Then, last month she had the audacity to ask him "so when are we getting engaged?" And he actually told her off and said "not until you get a job" and she didn't really have a comment to that. But nothing changes because he's still paying for everything when they go out and when they see each other which is 2-3x a week.

Long story short she needs a job and refuses to even look for one. The kicker is, she has not even applied for a job in the past 12-15 months!

Thoughts?

doopstr

If he's not fine with that then he should leave her. If he don't care, then you don't care.

EL19

iTrader: (4)

Yea if hes content with his current situation then let him do what he wants. Hes basically paying for guaranteed poon everytime he drives out there. Now if hes not getting any, you need to call an intervention for him

phee

iTrader: (5)

Not your gf. Not your business.

aznboi2424

iTrader: (10)

Love makes you blind so you can point it out too him but I wouldn't lose sleep over it or nag him about it. It's obvious he knows she's not working.

Ken1997TL

+1

Though I have to ask, how is she supporting herself?

Hooking? Drug-dealing? Welfare queen? Purse-stealer?

Rounder

Ken, she's not, and that's the problem here. He ends up paying for EVERYTHING and it pisses me off to see his money effectively go down the toilet.

AZuser

I would briefly mention your concerns but if he doesn't want to do anything about it, then that's his problem.

MWalsh9152

well, he's obviously thought about it judging by his response to her marriage question, nothing much you can do about it.

parasitius

It's culturally relative... in most of the world this is the norm -- they girl looks for a replacement father and doesn't typically work, so just bear in mind a huge portion of men in the world are cool with this -- in fact, some believe to be *the man* their woman must quit her job once they marry. In the Philippines the whole extended family won't work and will just live off one worker (even worse eh!).

So, if he is cool with it, yeah don't worry about it cause from the bigger context of the whole world it is pretty normal.

Also, the girl WILL NOT CHANGE, 0% chance, so if you want to try to convince him to dump her that is the only avenue. Don't even mention to him trying to change her -- you'll just make him feel worse cause it has 100% chance of failure.

uhohkaitlina

Whoa.

I don't understand how women are like that. This is not the old days. We need to work too.

My honest opinion -- he deserves someone that isn't so lazy. Is she going to cook, clean, take care of kids, when they supposedly get married? Or is she going to be too lazy for that too? Because even though I have a full time job in a corporate environment, I still expect myself to do the traditional "wife" duties. If she's too lazy to do something that will make her money, imagine how lazy she will be to do something that won't.

Just my opinion.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

It is good that he's laying down the law, now the question is, does he mean it

PrissyJayne

Well said.

TeknoKing

You are 100% right to ask and be concerned, it is your boy after-all. If he is so blind, have a chat with him. I know that's what I do with my best friends. It's just to raise awareness - he is not appreciated; and at this pace he would have much more fun paying for hookers that will commute to him.

My best friend's ex (on and off), I can't stand that lazy heifer.. He actually dragged for an upstate getaway weekend last week. She did absolutely nothing! My gf did everything, cleaning, cooking, etc. This bitch, drank, smoked and slept and complained. And my best friend knows it. But my job is too tell him, to share, to see his response. I want him to be happy and thriving. But some guys love the abuse. What can I say... I'm not that guy.

Rounder

yea I did have a talk with him, 2-3 times in the last year about it, but I'm done talking to him about it because he knows the deal and nothing has changed. that's why I'm frustrated about this, but like you guys said, not my GF, not my problem...

I agree with tekno and kaitlina, and I tried to spin it like "what kind of future do you think you guys have, if you only have one income and she's too lazy to work??" and he was just "i know, I know, I'll talk to her" and then nothing happens.

Mr Marco

Individuals who are not independent adults (ie: do not have a job and/or their own place) should not get married.

1Louder

Well, with regard to the "not your problem" comments, I think if your friend is self destructing then saying something is not out of line.

If you friend is clinging to a dysfunctional relationship because he thinks that's his best or only option, he needs your council. But the conversation isn't about her - its about him. It's not "she's no good for you", its about what he's looking for, and why he thinks she meets those needs.

As for her, I would never be in a relationship with someone who's clearly looking for someone to take care of her. But I think uhohkaitlina's point is spot on - there is no shame is someone wanting to be a full time mom. There is shame in just being lazy and looking for a sugar daddy. Because, being a full time mom is a ton of work.

However, sometimes when someone is bound and determined to shoot their foot off, sometimes you have to watch that happen.

Dark_Rican

DRAMA!!!!! hahaha.... Soap opera time

Rounder

100% agree with this. But I don't feel there is anything else I can do or say to him at this point to make him realize that maybe this girl isn't the right choice for him. I don't want to lose a friend over this, and he will get angry at me if I keep making comments about his relationship, and he will always choose her over our friendship in the end...I just see that it's not going to work out long term, and in the end I want what's best for him, but it's not my life but he's too good of a friend for me to stand by and not try to get him to see why this situation is messed up and unhealthy.

parasitius

Is he one of us typical guys who takes about 5 yrs to get "lucky" and score one phone number? If so, it's probably in the back of his mind that it isn't worth enduring the 5 years it would take to get a replacement, .. the discomfort of going through that. (*thinks back to his golden days in 2008*) ... It's very understandable in that context -- the only way you can help him is to make the belief become untrue -- find him an alternate/replacement girl. Of course that would be super hard and unlikely, but just realize it is probably the only option you have as a friend that has a decent chance of succeeding.

TeknoKing

bros before hos... crude? yes.

Unfortunately I believe he will continue to travel on his chosen path and only when sh*t will hit the fan he will understand and will appreciate your input. Someone people only learn via experience; that's the only thing that will open up their eyes.

Or I could be super wrong, and maybe she will change. People that are truly fit together will not use each other to a point of selfishness. Good luck to him.

I have another friend, who is divorced, and keeps ending up with girls that use him. He like being told what do. The problem is that he will stick with someone just because its better than being alone. He was making fun of his blind date a month back, said she was a stripper. They are still together. Go figure. You reap what you sow.

potmilkz

the question is.. is she hot.. and good in bed. if so, then its worth a few bucks

pics!

1killercls

I got a job for her.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

If she hasn't been looking for a job for 12-15 months, I don't think that she'll change unless dude lays down the law

Rounder

no she's "overweight" and

can't answer the bed question. wouldn't want to. LOL!

honda_nut

I wouldn't put up with that shit. Your buddy needs to dump her now.

These type of people almost never change. She is stubborn and lazy.

uhohkaitlina

I have to know..

Was everything given to her as a child? A really nice car for instance? Living at home for like ... ever? Did she ever have a pet that she was solely responsible for?

Call me weird, but I feel that the above are good predictors of independance.

Jtai

Then yes you should say something

1Louder

I think if you've made the attempt then you've done what a good friend should do. But you are correct - harassing him over it will hurt your relationship. I feel bad for your friend though - that he's reached a point where he thinks his best option right now is someone with no real interest in moving herself forward in life....

Rounder

No nice car...dunno about the other stuff...she's not moving out anytime soon, haha.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

So she's fat, lives at home, doesn't work, has everything handed to her, and has no goals or aspirations to work? Sounds like a keeper...

JS + XES

iTrader: (1)

PITB and make her say yes?

Just leave her. That's the only advise.

Moog-Type-S

Your "friend" must have real low self esteem to stay with someone like this.

You should....errrr....your "friend" should kick this girl to the curb.
Then be a man, have some self respect, and go out and get a girl who shows mutual respect.

You will find.....errrrr your "friend" will find life becomes much more enjoyable without so much drama.

aznboi2424

iTrader: (10)

Azine women are the best!

sasha

How does your friend feel about the situation? You may not approve of it, but maybe he's fine with it?.. If he actually feels burdened by supporting a gf and feels frustrated by her lack of initiative to look for a job, then they need to have a serious talk. If they already did, did she explain why she hasn't actively applied for any job?

Couples who are considering marriage should discuss their career and financial goals (especially if both parties have huge debt) as well as form plans on how to support each other meet them. In addition, couples should openly express their personal preferences when it comes to family life. Some guys, for example, prefer that their wives stay at home with the kids. Obviously, it would be a problem if the woman loves her job and has aspirations to fulfill certain long-term career goals.

In the end, if your friend's family life preferences and life goals are contrary to his girlfriend's, then they definitely need to reconsider their relationship.

Majofo

Stay out of it.

Rounder

lol @ thinking it's me. no way in HELL.

TeknoKing

Dude, is your friend also on the hefty side? ok, not really want what I want to.. is he a normal looking mate? Does he get other opportunities from other girls?

Somewhat related, does she let him watch hockey?

Rounder

he has had a bunch of other GF's. nobody really marriage material. yea they go to sporting events but he ends up paying for both tickets all the time.

I guess I will just sit back now and laugh because there is nothing else I can do to help. it's his life, I can just offer advice.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

This, in the end, that's all you can do bro, he's not going to listen to anybody but himself in this case, he has to figure it out for himself