when your not busy or not at work.... read this:............................................. ..........

I guess you have noticed by now that i am having a hard time being friends with you, even though i told you i wanted to try when we broke up. basically here is the deal; im trying to combat many different emotions that i feel about and towards you, and trying to make myself feel as comfortable as i possibly can around you.

the biggest emotion is that i am pissed. and im pissed at you. not because you broke things off with me- although that was a first for me in that i have never been broken up with. so in all honesty, thank you for ending it quickly and not wasting my time if you definately didn't think what we had was going to last. but i, or any girl in your future, will simply not accept your lack of communication. its a hard thing to develop, and ive struggled at times as well, but don't tell someone you love them, and that your not going anywhere, and that you "think you know who their husband is" and then break up with them practically a week later. i don't care if you were scared- freakin talk about it- your the one who sped things up in our relationship anyway. talk and say you need space or need things to move slower- give it a shot, then end things if its still not right. i knew that i needed time before things moved to be more serious between us, and i knew you did too, and i knew that we still needed to figure some things out in our relationship- i hope you didn't think i wanted something more serious faster than you were ready for. understand that a month later i actually got a response from you as to why it ended, and im not confused anymore about that, im just pissed at the way you chose to handle it. things could have been different, i maybe could have salvaged a friendship with you easier than what is happening now.

don't get me wrong, our breakup helped me get my life back. i got back in shape, caught up with my friends, made some new ones, and am doing great teaching and making my own art... and im probably putting myself out there by saying this but still part of me actually misses you. i can't for the life of me figure that one out. our relationship made me incredibly lazy, and i actually started comprimising on things i never thought i would for a relationship. I definately had said that i would never date a smoker- and you smoked and dipped (which is probably 10 times more disgusting than smoking) but at least not around me. its funny because another thing i comprised on was the fact that we didn't really do a whole lot- we weren't active. its not that we don't have things in common- funny how you tried to make that an excuse- but we didn't do anything! i mean seriously... what would you have wanted me to have in common with you that i don't already have? you don't have to have things in common to have a good relationship, but just trying new things, being active together is what makes things work- the most active we were together was shoveling food in our mouths at the same time the tv was on. maybe an exaggeration, but almost true....i even stopped hanging out with my friends to hang out with you... another comprimse that will never happen in any future relationship i have... because now look who is here with me (my friends) and look who is not.. you.

i guess it just doesn't make sense, that i still miss you- even when you broke up with me, i still loved you despite, the smoker/dipper, and the lazy ass that you were/are. i even stood up for you and understood you when you had issues with my brother- and i sided with you! and if thats not as freakin special or important to you than i don't know what is. i just don't understand how your able to turn your feelings off for someone as quickly as you did, unless you decided our fate a while ago, and lied to me about it. i feel like there is something your not telling me, that it wasnt that you were just scared. thus, i still don't have a sense of closure, even 3 months later. but don't worry about me, if you even thought to, i'll get over it and i'll get over you. i'll live my life, better than i lived it being with you, and be happy. but don't count on us being friends at the moment, unless you respond to this in some way, shape or form. i don't know what im looking for in a response, maybe an apology for acting immature, im not sure, or simply a statement that you have read my response. or maybe more of what you were/are thinking about this. it would be nice to patch things up, but unfortunately, im not sure you care enough to, and im not holding my breath in case you actually might miss me too. even if you don't miss me, i hope you know what you missed out on- someone who at one time actually loved you for all of you.

You still want the dick; don't you?

are you talking about you or your actual body part?

and thanks for your lack of consideration with your comment considering i definately looked a bit deeper than the surface to try to attempt to explain my behavior towards you.

i dont understand what you're even talking about - we have been broken up longer than we even dated. Get over it already.

Don't be friends with me, ok - neat. I wasnt really friends with you before we dated, i broke up with you becasue we werent really friends while we dated, and the only reason i have even seen or talked to you is because of kickball - Based on your email, we CLEARLY enjoy doing different thing so honestly, who the fuck cares if you dont want to be friends with me anymore. Think I give a fuck?? No, i don't. I really really dont.

But hey, thanks for the nice email calling me lazy and whatever horseshit you wrote. Do me a favor and keep your "emotions", "feelings", "deep under the surface" bullshit to yourself and save yourself the trouble of typing all that out. Get a freakin diary or something.
I am so far past the "relationship", frankly i DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK at this point in my life.


Sincerely,

I am not really sure what you are looking for me to say to provide closure.
I guess the entire relationship moved really fast--and all of sudden it caught me off gaurd. Its not that you ever did anything to me that would cause such a reactions, its just me. I dont really know. I guess i just didnt want a girlfriend. I lost the urge to do "couple" things.
I dunno, it just wasnt there anymore (atleast for me).

You still want the dick; don't you?