TheChamp531

iTrader: (3)

Long story short. My girlfriend owes me money (in the thousands <$7k). She works, but uses most money on school, personal expenses, and transportation. She direct deposits her checks through my bank cause she doesn't have one. I pay for the dinners, the movies, the shows, vacations, etc... all of them. I use her money from her check to pay her rent, her electricity, and her TV bills. I basically have $100 left after-- and eventually uses it on a dinner and a movie or something for us or something just for her.

So my girlfriend's Dad is giving her a couple grand from his taxes for her. And I was "joking" around saying I'd need a lot of that and she said No... about 20 times. I'm feeling bad because I feel like she owes me so much money and she just doesn't remember or something. She does try to pay the debt with her checks, but, of course, it is not enough. Her dad is giving her the money to go do a checkup from a few doctors (eye exam, dentist, and "lady" doctor). Granted, this would cost no more than $250 with her insurance, yet she doesn't sound like she wants to give me anything which is what is annoying me a lot tonight. I'm trying to brush it off by trying to feel "annoyed" by something else, but I'm getting pissed. :/ I feel like she is so used to owing me money that she is actually forgetting that she actually does. bleh

DCdonDubby

My guess is nothing good will happen next. Shattering hearts (if any on her end). Hard to know if its real or isn't real but for now from what I read, looks like a flake but who am I to judge. Good luck and remember to do what is best for you not only in her.

PyroDave

you may be right, but tell me the last time that mattered in a relationship? i dunno what i'd do in your situation, but it doesn't look good. if you move forward, the point of a marriage is to share everything, including debt and extra money. if you shared your money for her and went into debt, and she had extra money but didn't insist on helping lighten the debt, well you see how that looks. maybe be slick about it, and just see if you can deposit the money into the account, just like her checks, and use it to pay for stuff you normally would over time, know what i mean?

Anachostic

Harsh to say, but cut your losses. It will eat at you until your relationship is nothing. I still get worked up when I think of how my now ex-wife set things up financially in our relationship so that I would pay for damn near everything, all under the guise of "you make more than me." After I did the math, I learned I didn't need her at all and she got a free car and housing out of the deal.

My cousin feels trapped in a relationship where he is essentially a sugar daddy. For as bad as mine was, his is a thousand times worse. I've given him the same advice I'm giving you for years, and he hasn't acted on it yet, but I still get calls every week or so with new stories.

And sharing your bank account with your girlfriend is a time bomb. You need to ALWAYS keep your finances separate, whether friends or married. No joint accounts.

If you really want to make this work, get a different bank account for yourself and use your current account for her money. Then, show her the statements every month. Say "This is $500 dollars I had to transfer from my account to cover whatever." Keep a paper trail so you can refer to it when saying: you owe me. I still don't see long-term success.

FCVadi

iTrader: (3)

first, if you want to keep her as a GF then you will need to not ask about the money, the first and main thing that drives relationships apart is money.. that said you have options in laying down groundwork

if you are not living together then get a checking account for her and she can direct deposit it herself and manage her own expenses.. now you can do that because of mumbo jumbo federal tax, something about tax review on your account and having to pay taxes on interest earned from bank account stuff

get the money split in which you have seperate accounts and she is responible for paying her bills

now as for paying for everything else, it would be nice if the woman paid but most times the dude just pays, and everything you pay for is gone, there is no you owe me, the hope of any good relationship is that the other person realizes how much you take care of them and down the road they take care of you

just realize if you want her as a GF now consider the money she owes as a loss, and if she is a good GF she will remember to take care of you at some point in the future... now if she doesnt then cut your losses because it will be this way for the rest of your relationship/life.. its the nature of the beast in dating/relationships.. you invest money into it and hopefully it is a good one and you get your investment back.. but sometimes it aint and you lose the amount of money and time you invested

1StGenCL

Sounds like a bad situation that a lot of guys can probably relate to. How did she end up owing you all that money? Did she borrow it in one lump sum or was it everyday expenses that just added up?

Why are you paying her bills? Do you live together and if not, again, why the hell are you paying her bills? I understand she doesn't have a bank account and you are using her money but she can get an account I'm sure, even if it involves another party aka her parents NOT you. You do not want to be with someone that is that bad with money and you should not be taking the responsibility to be paying her bills because when she looses her job, guess who's money is paying those bills she no longer can?

All that being said, are you wrong in asking for the money, yes and no. Yes, she should give you the money but when you lend money to family or significant others, you should pretty much be prepared to never see it again. Ask once and maybe joke about it but be prepared to drop it if you want the relationship to last. If I were you, I would try and get the money and run but that is easy for me to say since I am not in the relationship.

Best of luck

Street Spirit

If you "loaned" her this large amount of money (even over time) without any talk, plans, or serious commitment to stay in this relationship long-term (are you close to marriage?), then don't expect to get it all back.... If she doesn't have big earning potential right now, it will take her a LONG time to pay that money back to you - if she plans to at all - and if your relationship isn't headed in the direction of marriage, it may eventually dissolve before you see all of your money back.

OR

If you do plan to marry, you wouldn't expect that money back from your spouse anyway, because basic living expenses tend to blend in together to sustain your mutual home and shared living expenses.

Basically, you probably won't see all of that money back no matter how you cut it.

If you want *any* of it back, you need to clarify that in a respectable way so that it's clear and then work towards creating a realistic and consistent plan to make that happen.

Don't become financially responsible for another person unless you either plan to be with them in the long-term or are okay with spending all of that money and not getting any of it back.

Happy spending.

lancer

What kind of things have you loaned her money for and were you CLEAR that it was a loan and not a gift? When you loaned the money did you at all discuss the terms of how she would pay you back?

Do you know EXACTLY how much she owes you... and does she know that amount? It sounds like you are SOL. Especially because you have a joint account where money can easily get mingled and the fact you buy her everything. How does she know what was supposed to be a gift and what was supposed to be a loan?

Like others have said, when you lend to family, close friends and SOs you should prepare to never see it again because it can easily ruin relationships. If you ever do it again, be clear about the terms of repayment and that it is a loan just like any other loan, and not a gift.

doopstr

You will never see a dime of the money "owed", it's gone, true story. She is prepping you for when you marry her and she decides that she wants a kid and doesn't want to work anymore. I think my wife "owes" me a few hundred thousand by now. My kids owe me a bunch too.

pearldrummer

Same here. Bought gf vehicle, she "owed" me money, eventually got married, debt forgotten. Plus she makes more than me now, sooo...yea

1Louder

So my opinion will be in a slightly different direction. I think the issue is that you've financially tied your life together as if you were married, without the underlying declaration that you are sharing a life together.

I agree with Street Spirit - I think your money is gone either way. If you break up it's never coming back, and if you get married it's moot. If you press the issue right now, it will drive a wedge between you. Especially since she didn't volunteer any of the money her Dad gave her. That to me is a huge indicator of her state of mind, which is she doesn't owe you anything.

I don't think you have a money decision, I think you have a relationship decision. Getting married is one choice. But if you are just going to live together with this kind of financial arrangement, then I think you need to be prepared for more of what you have going now, and just write off your losses as a cost of being with her. That said, if you go that route I would not give/loan her large amounts without a clear understanding of what is to be done about it.

honda_nut

Bank accounts are free. Why doesn't she have her own? It's as simple as that. Now if you were married, I could understand a joint account but you're not. She's you gf and the future is still unknown.

TheChamp531

iTrader: (3)

The reason why she doesn't have a bank account is when she (had a blonde moment- awhile ago) and thought her PayPal card, when she was 17-18 or so, was a credit card with like a 5k limit. She ended up charging like $1900 in like a few days not knowing that it goes straight to her bank. So she owes the bank like $1900 + all the fees per each charge which is like over $500. So all banks refuse her ofc.

I actually had her sign a written document that she owes me $xxxx amount just incase we were to break up, so, technically, I could bring her to court if I had to. We're close and all, but she is so bad with money.

I just have a problem with her not thinking about returning some money when I actually need the money. Granted, she does work for nearly nothing because of her expenses. I spend like $1k per month for us and I'm in college with no job. :x

lancer

Nicely bring that up to her. Since you have a signed document its clear to her its a loan, ask her how is she ever going to pay you back? You are in a position where you need the money, she owes it to you, and because of her job she wont ever really ever be able to pay you back with that little of earnings... so the extra money her dad gave her should go back to paying her loan off to you because her income wont ever be able to do it.

oo7spy

Is she good in bed? Just consider it as a night with an expensive hooker.


In all seriousness, to get good advice from us on persue or forget, I think we need to know how this amount of debt came to be.

While I understand that you have a written contract and that she is going to have a significant sum of money in the near future, I don't think she is obligated to give you THAT money. Does the contract spell out a timeframe or payment plan? Just because you think her Dad's money is good enough for you, she may not (seems like she doesn't). Maybe she feels bad that her Dad would be giving her a gift that she would just be handing over to you. What if her Dad asks what she spent it on and she says, "Oh, I used it to pay off my debt to ___." Not that it wouldn't come out in the wash, but it could potentially put an extra strain on an already touchy situation. Maybe she feels that she needs to EARN the money to repay you. She won't be a student forever, and hopefully she isn't looking to get an Mrs. degree.

My advice, let it go for now. If you are hurting for money and she has some extra on hand, ask her to buy the next meal/movie ticket/etc. If she refuses, offer to stay in because you don't have the cash to go out.

In any case, I think this will be a good practice in understanding the capabilities of your relationship. Good luck, and may The Force be with you.

sixsixfour

sounds like a bad deal to me. I'm with everyone here. you aren't going to see a penny of that money back. if she isn't even willing to split expenses with you, I say cut your losses and move on.

TheChamp531

iTrader: (3)

She knows she owes me money for like forever... till she actually makes money when she's done with school. I guess the pressure I put on her to give me back money, then I end up spending a lot of dough on us kinda makes me feel like I'm contradicting the situation. So I may be actually causing the problem.



I'm going to see if she could pay for stuff, so, at least, it will lighten the load. She started owing me about $13k then it went down because she started paying it off from different sources (she was really good at it early then it slowed down a lot). She owes me roughly $8k. For someone still in college (myself), that is a lot of money considering, if I decided to go med school next year, I'd need every dime and penny.

True, but I don't think I would move on just because of money. I still believe money is the root of all evil in life today (even though money could technically be a chain of other issues). She is a good person, pursuing a good career, and similar to me in many aspects. Like I said in the above quote, I, at times, pressure her to pay it back when I shouldn't because of her workload from school and work (she has a 16 hour/ semester (16/wk) plus a 44 hour per week for work. Even though she is not telling me, I think she feels like I'm the IRS ready to close her house and take everything away from her if she doesn't pay. I'm going to test my theory and lay low about the money for awhile and see if it helps the situation.

Thanks to all for all the advice/comments btw.

1Louder

IMO, you're absolutely right to feel this way. But I'll freely admit this is a big issue with me personally (just how I'm wired) - I've no patience for people who are not financially responsible. That comes near the top of the list as to why I'd end a relationship if I were dating.

Truthfully what you said about her past and the fact she seems to have the same habbits now would scare me. Also, it seems to me that her behavior is starting to build up some resentment with you, and resentment is poison to a relationship. You may bottle it up now, but it will explode at some point.

I'm going to change my mind a bit now and say that a conversation is in order. Just don't attack her. I'd approach it along the lines that you're happy to help her out because you care about her and you understand how you got to this point, but you feel a bit concerned about the fact that she got a windfall and didn't make any attempt to repay some debt. Just see what she says - maybe she felt like she needed that money for other priorities that she hasn't explained yet. But it's worth hearing her reaction to the fact you're concerned about what happened.

After that, I think when you are with people with habbits like this, you either need to partner with them to help improve their habbits (which is the best outcome), resign yourself to the fact she is who she is and live with it, or get away from it.

PrissyJayne

Wow. Well, first of all, I think you both need to have open communication about money. If her check is going into your account, then you both need to be aware of what's going in and coming out. JMO It's basically a joint account.

I definitely think you could use the current situation to teach her about finances. I can't believe she used a PayPal card like a credit card. Seriously - it's obvious her parents (no matter how nice they are) didn't teach her a darn thing about money and how it works. She put $1900 on what she thought was a credit card in less than a week!? You shouldn't even do that with a REAL credit card. Help her!!

Finally, I've been in a similar situation. I was completely financially dependent on my boyfriend and I can tell you (from her perspective) that she probably feels like crap for putting so much financial responsibility on you. (<--- that depends on how in touch with reality she is, I suppose.) I know even 8 years later I still feel like crap when I think back on those days when I quit my job in the middle of the day, 7 months pregnant. No one is going to hire someone who is 7 months pregnant to turn around and let them take maternity leave. So I screwed myself and my husband. At least she is working and contributing. I have always supported my husband making large purchases when we had the cash. That's why he's on his 3rd motorcycle in less than 9 months. If you're lucky, when times are better and you're both working, she'll remember how much you've sacrificed now. Hope this helps!

Edit: She really needs to use the money her Dad gives her to pay off her bank debt. The sooner she does that, the sooner she can begin rebuilding her credit. If you plan to marry this girl, her credit will be important to YOU in the near future.

FCVadi

iTrader: (3)

^^^ this is the most improtant thing that can be done, your credit (her credit) history is extremely important and the sooner that can be cleaned up the better... if it doesnt get cleaned up then add 7 years to whenever you guys start because you will be screwed for that long.. (7 years isnt set in stone but from expereince of myself and others)

now she cleans up her credit, you dont give her more money to clean up the credit, if she doesnt want to do that then walk away.. becuse you will be financially screwed for the rest of your life

HEAVY_RL

iTrader: (1)

Run. Away. Quickly.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Personally I would say that you right in thinking she owes you money but wrong in reminding her that she owes you. I just don't see how that is a healthy relationship.

Are you looking at it as you take her out to a $100 dinner and so she owes you $50? Because it's not really how it works. If it is then I would say that it is petty that you are keeping track. If however she needs new tires for her car and asks you for $600 then that's different.

Either way....good luck. I would not want to be in your shoes.

mrstak

iTrader: (1)

+1 on fixing her credit. if you plan on marrying this girl, i believe the banks look into the lower of the credit scores between a married couple for big loans. i may be wrong but still a good idea to fix up credit first

lancer

What about asking her to give you half the windfall as a good faith effort to pay back the loan, and she uses the other half on whatever she wants?

TeknoKing

ROFL... Say goodbye to your money and don't dwell on it again. It will never ever be returned. Should of had ground rules and financial understanding talk long long time ago. It's common sense that both should pull the carriage if needs to be for the sake of your future together - you're one working cohesive unit

I've paid my sister's debt.. it was more than what your gf owes you... That was a few years ago, now she lives in a nice expensive oceanfront property and travels all the time. While I, work my ass off to reearn what I've lost. I haven't been on a vacation in 3 years. She is not planning on giving it back. Ever. Ever. Ever. And that's how a cookie crumbles

Street Spirit

Thing is, you keep paying for her, so if this is intended to be a loan - is it a never-ending one? Because if she can't pay back what she already 'owes' you, she DEFINITELY can't pay it back next month when the amount has increased, or three months from now when her debt has risen even more.

Did you have a plan of when she was to start paying you back/when your loan would 'end'? Was it a timeline or a certain amount, or jsut an open ended thing? Cuz by the end of it all, are you really expecting to get $15,000 or $20,000 back? She's already at $7,000 now, right?


If this is your thinking and most especially if you're having trouble even supporting yourself, you should consider doing things differently. It's obviously not working for you, and unless you two plan on getting married in the near future, the only one who might come out in financial trouble is you! If you can't support yourself, why are you volunteering to support someone else?

TeknoKing

^

Street Spirit

^ It'd be one thing if he was financially able and DIDN'T MIND doing it, but he has set it out as a loan, which makes it clear that he doesn't want to do without the money.

JDM8o9

She is your girlfriend aka your best friend and not her personal little piggy bank. It was nice of you to mange her expenses. As far as taking her out to eat and what not that’s a personal opinion if she should pay you back for that, I personally pay for my girl every time we go out to eat. Buttttttt when she owes you a serious amount of money like that, I say sit down and have a talk with her …start it off with “ remember all that money I lent you … “ or send her this link https://acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=854051 and see what she thinks lol :P

sixsixfour

best advice I've seen.

TLtrigirl

iTrader: (1)

+1^^

i agree with 1louder. personally, i think it's wrong in so many ways that people can be so financially irresponsible. my SO has loaned me money on two different occasions. the first one i paid back in full with interest (he didn't ask for interest) in a yr once i was able to. the second one, i am currently working on paying back. we had nothing written in stone about the terms, just solely my word and trust as well as the fact that I AM financially responsible and more importantly ethically bound to pay the loan back. this is how i was raised. i don't like owing people money or being in debt, but sometimes you have to do what you got to do to pay for things that are important (education for example).

we also don't have a joint acct, but in terms of expenses we distribute them more or less equally between food and other expenses (he'll buy groceries, i'll buy groceries, he'll buy stuff we need, i'll buy stuff we need, etc...). of course our situation is different since we both work and have incomes.

in terms of your case and repayment, why did you loan her this money??? what was it used for?? granted i know you're a couple, but like others have said...you might get burned either way. your GF needs to be more financially aware, and her parents need to stop continuing to "give" her money (therefore enabling her). it's tough situation esp since your GF hasn't a clue about finances based on what you have told us (no offense).

oo7spy

Threaten to slash her tires. She knows you'll do it, and it will light a fire under her.

Majofo

Champ, with this mentality, your relationship is bound to fail. Like others said, bank accounts are free. If you share an account, make a separate primary savings / checking account for you. Get straight with your money and if you want your relationship to work, don't gripe over money with your girl, even if she can't manage her money or is a bit of a gold digger.

TeknoKing

^ solid advice to go broke. (don't gripe over money)

You're confusing dating someone and living with someone. One is fun and carefree, as you can end it at anytime....the other is long term, let's make a life together, let's contribute together, let's grow old and happy. If one is always struggling, and the other has no clue or can careless... Take a guess where and how this would end up.

EL19

iTrader: (4)

I agree with most people here. You also need to:

-help her get her credit straight and teach her how to be responsible with money. By doing everything for her you aren't teaching her anything

-stop spending so much money. Why are you spending over $1k/month and you have no job and are in college? try and be frugal with your own money and your gf may follow suit

Majofo

Arguing over money is asinine, kills the relationship and your ass is still broke at the end of it. If you give a friend money, you need to understand that you may never see it back. I doubt Champ is just having fun with this girl.

When have you ever shared a bank account with a girl you were having fun with? Like I said Champ, get your money straight and forget the past. You need to manage your money and leave her money in the joint acct.

If you seriously think that going out, buying dinner, movies, etc should be put on her bill then you have other issues. What you need to do is cut the entertainment down. If she can't deal with a lifestyle change, then she's only with you for the lifestyle. That's a bigger issue that you'll have to deal with.

TeknoKing

My gf knows how I think when it comes to $$$... I've asked her, if something would of happen to me, and I won't be able to provide income temporarily or permanently are you willing to deal with the burden? Be my partner in life? 'For richer for poorer'? My girl has pride in her earnings and she wants to contribute all the time, even though she earns peanuts. She's soo good

There is only one acceptable method of sucking a guy dry....and it does not involve $$$.

Mr. Maker

iTrader: (4)

lancer

Is this a sociology experiment....

1StGenCL

Slash her tires