04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

When we feel we hit rock bottom and wonder why do we suffer, hurt, and try to get back up and move forward this is where your 100% correct. The power to pray and ask for the strength to over come.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

I am thinking about everything now, perhaps this may be the for the best

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

Update, I wrote her a letter letting her know how I feel about her, how I am feeling and requested another week break to work on myself. This may be for the best, my heart can only take so much and the last break up was 4 years ago and that was sudden happened out of the blue and it tore me to pieces. I think it damaged me as a person, I lost confidence in myself. This time with the help of friends and my cousins I am building up the strength to be a better man and prepare myself in case this is it. I am a good man, and I need to be happy. I'm a good man.

KaMLuNg

iTrader: (5)

just because a couple breaks and gets back together doesn't necessarily mean you will be a stronger couple... both of you have to learn from the whole 'fight' in the first place... neither of you are expected to change who you are to please the other person... HOWEVER, in a relationship, both of you make sacrafices... you will sacrafice making a big deal about the things she does that bother you, and vise versa... if you two can accept that to be, then you will find yourself arguing less... it is virtually impossible to find someone that will be fine and dandy with your habits...

and to infinity... if you gave it your all and can happily walk away knowing u did everything you could... there is no more to do other than just learn and help yourself for the next one that comes along...

you are a good man if you have been able to reflect on everything that has gone on and appreciate everything that your relationship has given/taught you...

if it goes down, take a vacation... get out of the state or anywhere remotely close to your girl and just have fun... after my breakup i went skydiving and was somewhere every weekend straight through the summer... just jump in the car... we benefit from living close enough to drive somewhere within a few hours... (DC, VA, Boston, Philly, and of course Montreal ) live it up bro... life is too short, and you are too young...

i'm in the area too.. Essex Co, so feel free to give me a shout if you want to meet up for a beer or two or three...

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Keep your head up dude. Like KaM said....you're young. Gotta live life.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

Thank you very much buddy!! When I drop by Essex county I'll shoot you a pm.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

Update,

She called today and wanted to know when and where we can meet up tomorrow to talk. I'm guessing my request for another week apart wasn't good. She kept everything short answered straight to the point, didn't want to talk any more than she had to. At the end I said I love you and got a "Ok bye" response. After 9 years, you can't tell the man you'd been with "I love you". It hit me so hard, I went from some what stable to a wreck. I know this is it, tomorrow She ends this dream of ours. I made one of the most hard phone calls ever today. A guy who she would hang with a lot from college, I had asked him to promise me that when this ends, he should be there to support her and take care of her, and make sure she doesn't end up with an asshole. I fought every tear back before hanging up and breaking down. I am asking the lord to give me strength to over come tomorrow.

mdkxtreme

Have you planned out what you're gonna say and "act" out the worse that could happen?

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

I don't know what to say or do. I was never the one who gave up, at this time I feel like the battle is over and no matter what I say or do it's going to end. Like everyone told me, expect the worse and see what happens.

TLtrigirl

iTrader: (1)

04wdp- sorry about your situation. hang in there. if it was meant to be it was meant to be ( i know so cliche). keep yourself busy and grow from this experience. based on your update, it seems like she's still angry and upset with you. and whatever has been bothering her is finally coming out. hopefully, you know what you want out of the relationship (other than just being with her). where do you see your future together ??marriage has been talked about but on hold due to $$$? are you accepting of her inherant "flaws" and vice versa? are you/her willing to change to make things better? these are all questions that will most likely be discussed at your "talk".

its a shame she doesn't want to try and work it out. i've had a few friends that were married, and then without warning one half of the marriage, says i'm not happy, i don't love you anymore and i want a divorce. so...i guess in some ways...things happen for a reason (yes, another cliche).

time will heal your ailing heart. and if she wasn't the one...you'll find another. i've had friends that had their hearts broken too (nonmarried), then they stayed single b/c they were afraid of commitment. they are sweethearts too. relationships take work to keep them going. keep you're head up. things will get better.

CLtotheTL32

iTrader: (3)

Gus I'm so sorry dude

If you meet up with her tomorrow or sometime in the near future, just take a deep breath and tell her how you feel. Don't think of an elaborate way to say it so it impresses her, just be simple and effective.

I wish you the best of luck whether it works out or not.

rockstar143

iTrader: (6)

^^^
Agree with that...there is NOTHING that can't be solved with emotion. BUT, also listen to what she has to say. Most of the times there are cues women give us WAY in advance that we're oblivious to until they walk out the door.

Show her you care while giving her some space...if you feel you've made a mistake, explain yourself and make sure you're ego and your OWN personal need for confirmation that she still loves you or won't be with someone else etc doesn't come into play.

Confidence, being honest and open with your feelings and not needy can go a long way.

And PS...if she splits...after 9 years...because you took a breather and walked a block ahead of her on a trip and recently have been stressed and blew up on the phone she's a very immature girl that likes to be the martyr in all her own movies (don't we all) and/or has someone else in mind for now or the future.

If that is the case, the sooner you chalk this up to the first love of your life...the one that made you stronger and smarter and more confident in who you are and move on with your life and whatever hobbies you decide to pick up...the better.


Remember, confident...but not a dick. No chick wants "I can't live without you" or "please tell me you love me" or "when am I seeing you again". Think...I care, but I understand if you feel like your life is better off without me. AND don't just act it...MEAN it. You'll see what I mean 5 years from now when you're either married to her with a kid on the way and you don't even remember this incident...or you're living it up in a bachelor pad on a lifelong search for your next "one". Either way...you'll be smiling, right?

James Dean style...get me?

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

I held off marriage because she is young, just out of college and needs to get her self settled in a job and pay off loans before we can take the next step. The next step would have happened in 2 years from now. Everyone is telling me to move on, I deserve better. They tell me she's going to realize what she lost and is going to come back to me, but I won't allow myself to do that. In 3 more hours my Lunch talk with her will happen, I tossed and turned all night trying to prepare myself for the end. I feel like death is near, as if life will stop after 12:00. A part of what I've known for soo many years will slip from my fingers. It's driving me nuts. I have everything that she ever gave me from 9 years ago till now, it's soo damn difficult trying to pack away these things and figuring out what to do with them if this is the end. Places I see now, things around my house, my family and friends all of things we did together around places and people is making me sick. I feel like everything we did is going to haunt me, how the fuck do you get past that. Perhaps I need help, I need to sit down and talk to someone professional to help me with this. The anxiety alone will be the death of me.

CLtotheTL32

iTrader: (3)

TLtrigirl

iTrader: (1)

try not to let this consume you. whatever comes of it...it seems like both of you need to talk with a professional either separately or together. there is nothing wrong with that. getting an objective veiwpoint can be quite eyeopening. its all hitting you now. and everything you are feeling is normal. find something to preoccupy your time with. rearrange the furniture in the house (give it a different look)...

don't do this to yourself. i agree with rockstar...it sounds like there are some maturity issues. i'm sure there are some other details you don't want to get into, but on the little things...it seems trivial and petty to get angry over that. that type of response ususally stems from some sort of pent up resentment. be genuine and understanding. if she wants out then so be it. it takes two to make a relationship work, it also takes two to break it off. stop beating yourself up. go to the gym more, play with the car, hang out with your buddies, work more (?) if you want. you only have so much control over this situation. overstressing isn't going to help you. hang in there. and go hang out with your AZ pals in the area, do a photoshoot or something.

TLDude876

iTrader: (7)

I agree with the responses on here so I wont reiterate what has been said but keep hanging on man. You have made a great first step by letting your feelings be heard and not keeping it in like most males do. I wish you all the best on your talk today at lunch. God has a plan for everybody and whatever decision you guys arrive at, it will be for the best.

TylerT

iTrader: (1)

Hang in there man.

I couldn't imagine what you're going through, but find strength inside yourself and build confidence. Time heals things, I agree with TLtrigirl .. occupying yourself and staying busy is the best therapy ...

Keep us updated. I'm glad you're taking a lot from this thread! A lot of good advice.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

It didn't go well today. We met up for lunch today at the cheese cake factory and I got her flowers and said you look beautiful and indeed she did. I gave her a hug which was great because I missed her very much. We had lunch and I started the conversation by saying I'm sorry about everything and other things. I let her speak but her focus was why she wanted this to end. Simply put ever since Greece she hasn't been the same and she felt that because I don't hang out with her and her friends that often that it makes her feel upset. I also tend to have a bad habit of not always introducing her to others but it's just because I am in a sudden conversation and wait for a pause to say and this is my lady so and so. I understand how it makes her feel, and I feel terrible about it. Though everything said, it wasn't like it couldn't have been fixed. She simply didn't see that image of what she wanted in me.

At the end, and this is where it gets tough. We held hands and she looked at me and said do you remember when was the last time we held hands for this long and I simply said it's not when was the last time but that this is the last time I get to hold you, after this I can't hold that hand anymore. Struggling to hold myself together, we finally get to our cars and I tried to walk slow, avoid going to those cars and we hugged, kissed a few times and she broke down and cried and I said please, this doesn't have to end, please lets give it time and work it out. She simply asked me to let go, and so I did.. I let go, and she walked away from me. The story of our lives for 9 years, simply gone. I felt like someone shot in my the stomach and left me to die. To see the person you'd been with for that many years walk away from you hurts. The way it ended hurts. Merry Christmas to me this year. .

mdkxtreme

I was rooting for you man.

I really don't know what else I could say. Because I've been through this and I know no matter what people say, it doesn't help. I know that the whole day today you'll think back and reflect. And I hope to God that you use all of those reflections and point it in a positive direction. Your chest will hurt constantly. Everything around you will remind you of the love you once had. It's normal to feel that way. But I remember this one quote that helped me through when I went through a break up.

"You might say that you can't live without her. But remember, before you met her, you were living fine. You lived without her before, you can do it again."

It might not mean much but it gave me hope. I remembered suffering for about two weeks until I started going out with friends and feeling better.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

I wish you lived over here buddy, It would have been great to hang out with you. Someone like you would help me get back on my feet.

Nexson

Let her go, she will never want you again if you try to hard. You have to sometimes be an azz, girls don't like nice guys. There is no game in it for her, she has you by your balls.

Give it time, don't call her or text her, make her think and she will come running back!

TLtrigirl

iTrader: (1)

nexson, how do you know girls don't like nice guys?

04wdp-sorry that you have to go through this. she obviously cares about you and loves you, if she cried. let her have some distance to sort through her life and in the meantime, learn from what didn't come to be in this relationship. time will tell if you two were meant to be together. let her make the next move if there is one. she wanted this, and all you can do is respect that right now. i know it sucks right now. try to stay strong and keep yourself busy. also...please, stop beating yourself up. there were failures on both sides...learn from them and be stronger for it.

hang in there...things will get better.

YeuEmMaiMai

there still might be hope here for you but you gotta be cool about it.....it appears that she has some feeling with you yet... Give it about a week and call her and see how things are going.....

now with that said

if you see her around town with other guys, be GLAD that you broke up and didn't have to go through the "My girl cheated on me, now what?" thread

1Louder

Wow - very sorry that you had to go through this. There's no magic words that will make this better. It will hurt until it doesn't anymore.

Everyone, even those in the best of relationships or marriages argue at times. A strong relationship isn't defined by the absence of conflict, it's defined by how conflict is handled. To handle it well, you need two people in the game willing to work it out. It doesn't work when only one person is trying. It sounds to me like she's given up - at least for now. At least bring yourself some peace knowing that there is nothing you can do about it now. Where your at, time is what's needed for both of you. No amount of what if...why me...if I only...is going to help the situation. It only serves to hurt you. To the extent that you can, don't beat yourself up.

I've broken up with two girls in my life that I thought I'd marry. One month after the second one, I met the woman I've been married to for 21 years. Like you, I was totally focused on the ones I'd lost. There was a lot of "what now". There was a lot of "I need her back". But it never happened. Yet it worked out in the best possible way.

I can't promise you that you'll meet "the one" next month. But one of two things will happen. After some time, she may realize it was a mistake and initiate contact. If not, then you know that's just what's supposed to happen. Better now than 5 years and a kid down the road.

If you are open to love, you will find it. You will be wiser and better equipped for your experience, whether your future is with her or someone else. We always say someone is, "the one", but in reality there is always more than one, or we'd never find them.

Grieve, but don't dispair. This will pass, and it will get better. You're young, you have a lot in front of you. That's easy to say I know. But for now, you've done what you can.

crazyasiantl

iTrader: (7)

sorry about everything bro.

keep your head up. like others have said, just give her some space and see where things go.

rockstar143

iTrader: (6)

Nexson was just stating a fact...girl or guy...nobody likes to NOT have a challenge. You have to be a good person but there has to be a pinch of azzhole to keep her interested. True story.

04WDP...Like was said before. Nothing we say can cheer you up right now. But KNOW, that one day...not too far from now, you will see that there are no such thing as the "one"...that's a hollywood story. And when and if you love someone and want to be with them, there's no time like the present. If it's so complicated and there's arguing all the time and you're not the "image" she had for a man and this and that excuse...then let it go.

Focus on you...do something she didn't want you to do. Buy a snake, get a gun. Take on a new hobby that'll make you better, it'll take your mind off of her, it'll potentially allow you to meet new people.

Trust me, this is the first step to a bigger and better you. You were a puppy and you're ready to be a dog now.

TheChamp531

iTrader: (3)

Except you shouldn't need to pray and ask for strength cause you should already be strong.

TheChamp531

iTrader: (3)

I'm sorry for this, but I'm sure another girl is out there for you. I have a feeling once she finds another BF, she will realize how special you were and get back to you. It will be up to you at that time if you want to get back to her.

Stay strong.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

Sorry to hear Gus, but I think in the long run it will be for the best. Last year I ended a 7 year relationship with someone that I lived with, and it was the single hardest thing that I'd ever done. In the end, I was able to pick up and move on, and you will too. The best thing to do is focus on yourself, you'll never forget her or what she meant to you, but if that time is over, you will have to accept it and pick up the pieces. There will be other girls in your life, I'm sure you don't believe that because you are stuck on her, but time mends all things and in time you will be OK. Just hang in there and keep your head up and focus on yourself.

phee

iTrader: (5)

I'm sorry to hear it man but it seems like the problems are so small. I'm sure she had some kind of built of resentment that would take a really long time to overcome. I feel like you guys had a communication break down in there and Greece was the last straw. Don't blame yourself completely, as your gf of 9 years it was her responsibility to tell you about things she was uncomfortable with not drop the relationship after she became fed up.

Move on man, I know it seems impossible but there is someone better out there who wouldn't just give up on you

Dr. Colorado

Wow, that's a gut-wrenching story about lunch. Seems like she has some deeper issues because you not hanging out with her friends or introducing her to new people quickly enough are pretty minor in the whole scheme of things. I hate to say it but maybe there's another guy.

Anyhow, nothing any of us write is going to make your healing process any better. Many of us have scraped the bottom of the barrel after a painful breakup. Losing weight, not being able to sleep, constantly fixating on what might have been or what one could have done differently. It doesn't matter, it takes two to tango and there's no point in being in a relationship unless your girl is all in. The best advice I can give is just keep on living one day at a time. Whether it's one week, one month, 6 months or 1 year it will eventually get better.

After my last serious breakup, I got into muay thai and boxing. That was 6 years ago and I still box to this day.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Sorry dude. I was hoping that it worked out better for you. I thought maybe she just needed some time to figure shit out, but it seems like she figured out that moving on separately is better.

The only thing I can say is to listen to Rick and start moving forward one day at a time. It WILL get easier. One day you will wake up an not think about her for a couple hours, then maybe a couple days and then not at all.

Keep occupied. I got into working out and shooting pool after a bad break up. Got in shape and won a trip to Vegas....so it's not all bad.

saiko_cl_duck

I've been following this, I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out how you planned.

Give it time, you'll heal emotionally, but it will take a while. In my opinioni, don't go out partying it up, you will probably make some mistakes that you'll regret. So many people end up either in trouble or waking up next to someone and hating themselves. I know, I've done it before.

On the flip side, don't stay at home and feel sorry for yourself. That's even worse. Find a medium between the two. If you don't have a close friend now, maybe it's a good time to cultivate a friendship with that buddy you just didn't have time for when she was in your life. We've all pushed friends away unitentionally, so having someone who has your back is critical.

Look into getting involved with charities and organizations, it's a great way to give back, get out of the house, and get her off your mind. I volunteered like a madman when my girl and I broke up, and it lead me to meet some amazing people. Now I still do it, just because I enjoy it.

Hey, it's whatever works for you. Just don't sit there and wait. Do something constructive with your time.

She might come back, but chances are she won't. Come away a little wisier and a better person for it.

Best of luck.

Majofo

I'm going to be straight with you 04.. it sounds like you fucked up, what you haven't done is make it up. It sounds like she just needs to regain your trust. A man needs a good woman and vice versa. You'll fight and at times you'll tamper with that bond but you can't bend it and not repair it. Honestly, it'll be tough but time will heal if you make an effort not to make the same mistake again.

I remember you posting pictures of a beautiful home a few months back. I'm guessing financial stress must be a great burden right now. It's definitely a top relationship splitter.. but the fact is.. if you have money to keep a roof over both of you and food on the plate, that's enough. She should support you and encourage you and you should do the same.

I was without a job for 6 months and it wasn't for lack of applying. It's a lot of work catering your resume and cv for every job you come across. I also had friends who were out of work for 2 years and they have MSEE's.. but in a tough economy.. the experience you have means more than the degree. Don't blame her for being unable to find work. Just support her.

If she is really the love of your life, you can't let her go.. ever. You understand, it's your role as a man to place a bubble around her. She shouldn't worry for anything.. not her safety or livelihood. When you get married, it's you two against the world. You may have kids, and they might steal the show, but at the end of each day.. you're together and nothing should divide that bond.

I really feel for you 04. Do what you have to do.. a man gets knocked down often in life, but you have to keep going. Just make sure you're looking down the road and not at the gravel below your feet.

Majofo

I don't think so braddah Rick.. I think it's more along the lines that she feels neglected and unappreciated. When a guy doesn't introduce his better half.. sometimes the girl can feel like she's not so much the better half.. now where that could lead too.. idk.. it is petty though. But I'd like a female perspective on this.

Definitely find an outlet Gus.. get into something that focuses on you! It'll be better for you physically and emotionally. Making yourself better will make the situation in all, a lot better as well.

Dr. Colorado

Nah brah, he was saying he wasn't fast enough in introducing her when greeting other people. If he was straight up ignoring the introduction that's one thing, but starting a convo and then a couple minutes later saying BTW this is my GF is a completely different situation. It's not like every time they are meeting new people, OP has to immediately say, "This is my GF...".

I get the feeling OP's ex was being insecure. Now whether that's her own fault or partly OP's contribution is a different story.

Dr. Colorado

If OP wasn't introducing his GF at all and carrying on a convo with his boys while ignoring her then that's a dick move and definitely not petty.

kidduce

iTrader: (1)

Sorry your going through this 04.

I would not give up on this at all, I would hang on for a little bit of time give her some time to realize what kind of a great guy she lost and check up on her in a few weeks. Maybe something clicks and she realizes that after 9 years arguments aren't worth splitting.

Dr. Colorado

I don't know brah, she made it pretty damn clear at the Cheesecake Factory that she wasn't interested in maintaining the relationship. Plus, if she goes out and bangs other guys and then comes back to the OP, I don't think he would be down with that. Girls or guys for that matter shouldn't get free passes to "find themselves" or "be alone for awhile" or "take some time for themselves" because most of the time this is a justification to start dating other people. Furthermore, OP already put himself out on a limb, spilled his guts, and made himself vulnerable to the point of humiliation. He went all in with his chips and she turned him down. If he ever does take her back, the relationship may not be 50-50. In a small way, she will have the upper hand after having rejected him this time.

mdkxtreme

I actually agree with this. Sometimes in a relationship, one will start playing psychological games. She now has the upper hands in the mind game. I know because I've done this so many times in high school. Now that I think about it, I was so damn immature. Of course I don't do it anymore. But my gf once told me that she'd rather me hit her than verbally abuse her with mind games. Of course I never laid my hands on any girl, she was just getting the point through.