Oil change instructions...stolen from Audizine.
11-09-2009, 08:30 PM
#1
Suzuka Master
Thread Starter
Oil change instructions...stolen from Audizine.
Stole this from a thread on another forum. It's was hilarious so I thought I'd share it with you guys.
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.
3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained
vehicle.
MONEY SPENT :
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
TOTAL: $21.00
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree; write check for $50.
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for
$20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot
oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish t he oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental
fee.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard --
along with drain plug.
27) Beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil.
30) Beer.
31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
edge of frame.
32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
33) Cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
38) Beer to stop pain....
39) Ditto.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
8) Car towed and impounded .
49) Call loving wife; make bail.
50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT :
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL: $4,340.00
BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT ! ! !
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.
3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained
vehicle.
MONEY SPENT :
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
TOTAL: $21.00
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree; write check for $50.
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for
$20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot
oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish t he oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental
fee.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard --
along with drain plug.
27) Beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil.
30) Beer.
31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
edge of frame.
32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
33) Cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
38) Beer to stop pain....
39) Ditto.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
8) Car towed and impounded .
49) Call loving wife; make bail.
50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT :
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL: $4,340.00
BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT ! ! !
11-09-2009, 09:34 PM
#5
Fixed:
Stole this from a thread on another forum. It's was hilarious so I thought I'd share it with you guys.
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cold cup of three hour old coffee and read day old newspaper.
3) Have pimply adolescent ask what type of car you have and ask whether you want to upgrade to a "synthetic" change.
4) Ask if you would like to have radiator fluid changed.
5) Ask if you would like a transmission fluid change.
6) Ask once more if you would like to upgrade to synthetic.
7) Kid underneath car spends several minutes looking for drainplug.
8) Once locating drain plug, attempt to loosen in a clockwise direction.
9) Strips drainplug.
10) After conference with other employees, manages to find oil filter, removes it, and installs another of wrong type.
11) Pretends to perform underneath "inspection".
12) Highschool kid up top, after asking a third time if you want synthetic, then adds oils to crankcase. It will either be a quart short or a quart over, depending how close it is to closing and if friends are waiting outside.
13) "Manager" does final inspection underneath, stripping oil plug further.
14) Charges $29.95 for oil change, $29.00 for underneath inspection, and $17.00 to top up windshield wiper fluid.
15) Presents you with greasy five dollar off coupon for next visit, expiring twelve days from current visit.
15) You return a week later in a different vehicle (the one you had originally had the oil changed in has lost it's drainplug and pissed it's oil over the road and is now at the dealer for repair) to complain about said oil change.
16) Manager refers you to "Not responsible for mechanical services performed" typed in minuscule print at the bottom of your receipt.
17) Offers to upgrade you to a "synthetic" change at a small upgrade at your next change to compensate.
Money spent:
$75.00 for oil change.
$2700.00 for engine rebuild.
$1325.00 dollars for attorney.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree; write check for $50.
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for
$20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot
oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish t he oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental
fee.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard --
along with drain plug.
27) Beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil.
30) Beer.
31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
edge of frame.
32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
33) Cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
38) Beer to stop pain....
39) Ditto.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
8) Car towed and impounded .
49) Call loving wife; make bail.
50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT :
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL: $4,340.00
BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT ! ! !
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cold cup of three hour old coffee and read day old newspaper.
3) Have pimply adolescent ask what type of car you have and ask whether you want to upgrade to a "synthetic" change.
4) Ask if you would like to have radiator fluid changed.
5) Ask if you would like a transmission fluid change.
6) Ask once more if you would like to upgrade to synthetic.
7) Kid underneath car spends several minutes looking for drainplug.
8) Once locating drain plug, attempt to loosen in a clockwise direction.
9) Strips drainplug.
10) After conference with other employees, manages to find oil filter, removes it, and installs another of wrong type.
11) Pretends to perform underneath "inspection".
12) Highschool kid up top, after asking a third time if you want synthetic, then adds oils to crankcase. It will either be a quart short or a quart over, depending how close it is to closing and if friends are waiting outside.
13) "Manager" does final inspection underneath, stripping oil plug further.
14) Charges $29.95 for oil change, $29.00 for underneath inspection, and $17.00 to top up windshield wiper fluid.
15) Presents you with greasy five dollar off coupon for next visit, expiring twelve days from current visit.
15) You return a week later in a different vehicle (the one you had originally had the oil changed in has lost it's drainplug and pissed it's oil over the road and is now at the dealer for repair) to complain about said oil change.
16) Manager refers you to "Not responsible for mechanical services performed" typed in minuscule print at the bottom of your receipt.
17) Offers to upgrade you to a "synthetic" change at a small upgrade at your next change to compensate.
Money spent:
$75.00 for oil change.
$2700.00 for engine rebuild.
$1325.00 dollars for attorney.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree; write check for $50.
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for
$20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot
oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish t he oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental
fee.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard --
along with drain plug.
27) Beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil.
30) Beer.
31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
edge of frame.
32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
33) Cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
38) Beer to stop pain....
39) Ditto.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
8) Car towed and impounded .
49) Call loving wife; make bail.
50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT :
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL: $4,340.00
BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT ! ! !
Trending Topics
11-10-2009, 07:37 AM
#11
Registered Member
Jiffy Lube. When you care the least about your car.
Oil changes with my two TL's are almost as easy as it was with my 1988 Mustang LX 302CID. The strange thing about the 302 in that car was it had two drain plugs, but it was still easier, and quicker, than the TL.
Checks??? I still write checks. You want to hear something crazy? I spent 29 years as a software engineer in various hi-tech shops and I have never used an ATM machine in my life! Yep, I know y'all think that's nuts.
Oil changes with my two TL's are almost as easy as it was with my 1988 Mustang LX 302CID. The strange thing about the 302 in that car was it had two drain plugs, but it was still easier, and quicker, than the TL.
Checks??? I still write checks. You want to hear something crazy? I spent 29 years as a software engineer in various hi-tech shops and I have never used an ATM machine in my life! Yep, I know y'all think that's nuts.
11-10-2009, 09:57 AM
#12
Racer
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: T.O.
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Went begging to the dealership and got fixed up, plus a stern lecture on staying away from those shitholes.........lesson learned
11-10-2009, 10:57 AM
#14
Senior Moderator
.
11-10-2009, 11:27 AM
#15
Registered Member
Hey, don't knock writing checks. Here's something I heard about some years back. Don't know if it is still true or not, but just in case...
Suppose you're issued a ticket for speeding and you have the choice of just paying for it or going to court (let's say it is a $75 ticket). Write the check for, say $76 and mail it in. When your check is processed, they will have to mail you back the $1 overpayment you made. That's fine. When you receive their check, don't cash it. This keeps them from completing the transaction and apparently recording the infraction on your driving record.
Now as I said, I don't know if this is true any longer (I don't even know if it was true when I heard it). I just thought it was interesting.
Suppose you're issued a ticket for speeding and you have the choice of just paying for it or going to court (let's say it is a $75 ticket). Write the check for, say $76 and mail it in. When your check is processed, they will have to mail you back the $1 overpayment you made. That's fine. When you receive their check, don't cash it. This keeps them from completing the transaction and apparently recording the infraction on your driving record.
Now as I said, I don't know if this is true any longer (I don't even know if it was true when I heard it). I just thought it was interesting.
11-10-2009, 01:53 PM
#18
Hey, don't knock writing checks. Here's something I heard about some years back. Don't know if it is still true or not, but just in case...
Suppose you're issued a ticket for speeding and you have the choice of just paying for it or going to court (let's say it is a $75 ticket). Write the check for, say $76 and mail it in. When your check is processed, they will have to mail you back the $1 overpayment you made. That's fine. When you receive their check, don't cash it. This keeps them from completing the transaction and apparently recording the infraction on your driving record.
Now as I said, I don't know if this is true any longer (I don't even know if it was true when I heard it). I just thought it was interesting.
Suppose you're issued a ticket for speeding and you have the choice of just paying for it or going to court (let's say it is a $75 ticket). Write the check for, say $76 and mail it in. When your check is processed, they will have to mail you back the $1 overpayment you made. That's fine. When you receive their check, don't cash it. This keeps them from completing the transaction and apparently recording the infraction on your driving record.
Now as I said, I don't know if this is true any longer (I don't even know if it was true when I heard it). I just thought it was interesting.
11-10-2009, 04:43 PM
#20
Moto Enthusiast
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Sacramento, CA
Age: 46
Posts: 596
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LOL. The instruction for Men was funny. The women would be lucky if they actually can get Jiffy Lube to change their oil...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTJjqr0QbIk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTJjqr0QbIk
11-28-2009, 08:07 PM
#23
One on the right for me
Jiffy Lubes, as with all auto places, can be great if you know who works on your car and have a relationship with the employees. There are horror stories from everywhere, not just a quick lube place.
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