I work for Sunset Imports which is a tandem Audi/Porsche dealer here in Portland and today the Porsche service advisor came to me and said he needed me to put some miles on a Cayenne. Alright...bring it!

I found the car which was black on black and it was not until I got close enough that I realized it wasn't an S, not a Turbo, it was just a straight Cayenne. This is the Cayenne with the 3.6 liter 290-horsepower V6 but mind you, that engine is assigned a whopping 4,790 pounds to lug around. Then add my 215 pound frame and you have that asthmatic engine doing its damndest to pull around 5,000 pounds. One of my co-workers drove this car on Friday and said it was slow as hell. I know he's used to driving a VW Jetta VR6 so I figured his view would be biased. How wrong was I?

All I can say is what an uninspiring driving experience. Nail the gas and all the engine does is make more noise and it's not music, either. It sounds like a cow that just got kicked in the junk numerous times. Definitely not cool, Porsche. Not cool. The transmission was jerky and unrefined, the air conditioning was weak and the stereo was probably the best part of the entire car.

Not to bash Porsches because if I had to buy a sports car, the 911 Turbo would be #1 on my list but this Cayenne is an embarrassment to every Porsche ever made. I'm sure poor Ferdinand dies again a little every time one of these space-waisting V6 models rolls off the line. Then it dawned on me; this model is not designed for those looking for straight-line, grab onto your "oh-crap" handle performance. It's for those who want the illusion of performance and to make their neighbors think they've hit the lottery. For people who simply can't wait to step up to the Cayenne S. That's the only purpose this pathetic model serves.

And all this can be yours for $43,400 for which you could load up a TL Type-S and then fly off to the Carribean for two weeks. Porsche must be aware that there really is a sucker born every minute. Get in line, folks...get in line.

 

Not to take up for the Cayenne, but the TL-S comparison is apples and oranges.

SUV vs. Sedan.

 

funniest part in the whole write up. You should consider journalism

 

The "SUV" classification for the Cayenne is iffy at best. More like "station wagon with a lift kit". Except with less cargo space.

 

I own a non-s Cayman 5sp and it is one of those cars that makes the neighbors think you won the lottery.

We love the car but compared to my STi it is no where near as fast and for the money we paid we could have had a ton of other cars that would have smoked it but when you buy a porsche you get a lot of small details that make it worth the money such as when you look at the bottom of the car and see that the bottom is entirely flat- now that is engineering for you.

As for the base Cayenne we all know it is the VW Tourag in drag and meant for those that just want the porsche panache. No the Turbo or S is a different story. I have my eye on a nice used turbo cayenne that would go really great in my garage.

 

 

I wonder how this would have played out had you tried out the old base Cayenne with the 3.2L VR6 engine pumping out 250 horses....

 

Why any rational person would choose a base Cayenne over the MDX is beyond me.

 

The Cayenne is really annoying to me and I'm glad I don't see too many of them on the road, I'm 6'2 and I have to hold my neck at an angle to get in, but I think the cayenne is more comparable to a RDX since it's sporty and all that, and even so I'd take the RDX, I wonder how much the Infin. FX is fully loaded, I'm sure (no, i'm not sure at all lol) it isn't 43k.

 

Yeah but a base Cayman is a very fine car to own. The Cayenne is just a pig and i can think of a few other SUV's that are much better and have better "little things" than the base cayenne.

 

I drove one and it was literally incapable of accelerating up the up-hill on ramp with my friend and the dealer in the car.

 

funny you guys are talking about Lux SUVs. My g/f getting ready to order/ put her deposit in on a BMW X5 3.0sd(Diesel).

It's like this she went to the Lexus dealer
she looked at the RX regular(the non hybrid) too small she said
she looked at the GX It was too big.

Then we went to Nissan dealer looked at the a loaded out Murano. She wasn't to hip on the seats.

Then we went to Benz dealership
The ML320 CDI(diesel) she didn't like it was to "bland looking"
the GL320 CDI(diesel) was too big

Went to Acura dealership
She liked the features and interior on the MDX but things steered her away from it
#1. the grille is kind of weird
#2. no diesel option
The RDX was too little

so we went to the BMW dealership
checked out the X3 it was too small
then I asked about The X5. and i read somewhere online where they were gonna offer the X5 in a diesel option.
she likes the looks, diesel option and not a ton of people around here have X5s

I'll take a X5 diesel or even a 3.0 gas (but the twin turbo gas engine coming to it in about a year in half maybe 2 years) to the stupid ass Cayenne base

 

LOL

 

We were behind one at a stoplight once and it had a few bumper stickers a license plate frame on it saying were they lived and schools and stuff. Basically they were trying to show off. So my mom goes something along the lines of "Why put all those stickers bragging on an average car?" I said mom thats a Porsche and it costs 90k (it was a turbo model) and my mom said "Why on earth would you pay that much for that car if you hadnt told me its a porsche I wouldnt have ever guessed it looks like a regular car"

I agree though, that the car is very over priced. For such a big SUV the base one needs a bigger engine. I would get an MDX, X5, GL, or Q7 for that kind of money.

 

PDX-RL - Very funny review! Post more in the future. By the way, what is your position at the dealer?

 

I hate how (just about) every "higher end" car company is doing this... they offer an entry model(s) just so people can say they own a _________ (fill in the black). But I guess if there's a market for it...

 

IMO it's a smart idea. Average Americans are so image conscious now it's rediculous. Remember how we lost model names like Legend and Integra to letters and numbers? Just so we could think it was more fancy like a German luxury car.

 

isn't it just the same engine as the toureg???

 

there are a bunch of SUV's i'd take over both

 

^^^

 

Well I'm glad I made some people laugh. I aim to please. I have a review I wrote on the Land Rover LR2 if anybody would like to read that, I'd be more than happy to post it.

laidback93: I'm a shuttle driver for the dealership and just because I know you're going to ask how I afford it, the RL is not my car. It's my dads and I love the thing to bits.

I know comparing a Cayenne to a TL Type-S is not a fair fight but I'm just saying...performance wise. The TL probably has more space, though.

 

Hey portland, how 'bout an unbiased write up on a cayman? That's next on my radar screen...

 

As soon as I get to drive one of those honies, I'll let you know.

 

thanks for the laugh man. that write up had me rolling! i needed that laugh. asthmatic engine lol!

 

do you have any more testimonials? i need to laugh more.. for now ill just read this one again

 

^^^knock yourself out man

 

I actually agree with you, but I'm still gonna be all over the 135i like a fat kid on cake come next year.

Poser? Maybe. I'll take that hit.

0-60 in 4.8s for $8K-$10K less than a 335i? HELL YES.

 

one of my co-workers test drove his freinds base Caymen...he said it was slow...and he drives and Accord...LOL!

 

hahaha!

 

I own a base Cayman and it is a unique car to own. The ownership experience is quite unique and for most people used to driving cars with a lot of torque it lacks the kick in the back you get from high torque cars, so someone driving a V6 Accord would probably feel that it lacks what they would expect speed wise from a Porsche.

This car makes it HP high in the Rev band and must be driven aggressivley for it to feel fast. I am not sure how in depth your friends test drive was but allow him to have the car for a day or so alone and then ask him what he thinks about the car and his opinion would be very different. It's one of those cars where you just have to throw out all the magazine talk and HP numbers and drive the car and you will see how well the total package works together.

I feel the car excels is in it handling, high speed manuverability, looks and driving dynamics. It handles like it is on rails and has the legs to cruise at 130+ without even breaking a sweat or feeling unstable. I was being pestered by a Ford Lightning and a Mustang this morning and we got up to about 130 and the Lightning gave up and the stang quit at about 100mph.

Lastly, if you want to feel like a millon bucks everytime you drive you can't go wrong with a Porsche. Mine has the Carrera rims which make it look even more upscale- coupled with the fact that most people don't know the difference between Porsches makes it the ultimate thrill ride for my dollar.