Jeff Pearlman has a new book coming out in September called Boys Will Be Boys, which chronicles the Cowboys during the Aikman-Smith-Irvin glory years. Tucked inside the book is a chapter called “The Last Naked Warrior,” which is a nickname defensive end Charles Haley used for himself. Haley, if you recall, was a goddamn beast of a pass rusher, and also a legendary asshole. But what you may not know about Haley is that he was:

A) Legitimately insane
B) Hung like Milton Berle
C) Liked jacking off in front of teammates and coaches

And not playful jerking off. We’re talking the real, hardcore, I’m-home-and-my-wife-is-at-the-movies jerking off. I’ll let Pearlman fill you in:

Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off…

Hey look, it’s Charles’ huge erection! And he’s pleasuring himself! Man, that is funny.

But Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer’s room. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’

Well, it was San Francisco. I, for one, am glad to see that Haley liked to go native. I’m assuming Montana replied, “Really? I know I wanna suck that? Well, it hadn’t occurred to me before. But now that you’re masturbating right in front of me in a completely unprofessional manner, I can see your point.”

Pearlman also gets this quote from Michael Silver:

”Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about other players’ wives. It got to the point of ejaculation.”

Well, if you don’t reach the point of ejaculation, there IS no point. Am I right? Think about this quote for just a moment. You go to work. You go sit in a meeting. Then Bob from Accounting decides to take out his Frankencock and starts talking about banging your wife, and then orgasms right in front of you.

That’s… unusual. It won’t surprise you to know that Haley was also a raging homophobe, saying to a new Cowboy teammate once:

“You’re from California? You must be a fucking faggot.”

And he would know! Because he was in California once, jerking off in front of large groups of other men. I haven’t seen a homosexual this insecure since Vin Diesel. Brady Quinn would like him to sign with the Browns ASAP.

I haven’t seen a homosexual this insecure since Vin Diesel. Brady Quinn would like him to sign with the Browns ASAP.