FastAcura

What EXACTLY does she mean? You just don't see each other for some time? How long do "breaks" usually last? Do you see other people?

moeronn

Anywhere from 5 minutes to forever. You need to clarify with her whether or not she means that she wants to date others. It's rarely a good sign, though.

Hope things work out for you.

FastAcura

Yeah, she doesn't "feel as close to me as she used to" so she wants a break.

Does that "close feeling" ever come back after a break?

TLover

Well, when you talk about the "break," you need to ask about dating others and about how long she's talking about. If she says she doesn't know about the length of time, that's not good. You should ask her if she's already seeing someone else or wants to see someone else.

Doc.Booty

She wants to fuck the guy at work who's been hitting on her for a few weeks.

AS3.0CL

it all depends on her and what she thinks a break is. a break can last a short time or a long time. it may also be a way of her breaking up with you easily so she doesn't hurt your fealings, which is a crock of shit in the end because it does they just don't think it does. a break usually means you can see other people but like what i said before it depends on what she thinks a break is. good luck though.

moeronn

I wouldn't say never, but it's not something you can count on. It seems that it usually takes a woman some time to reach the point of taking a break/breaking up, so she's probably been thinking about this for a while. Once they make up their mind, it's usually permanent (one of the few things they don't change their minds on) The last thing you want to do is put more pressure on her, though. Just let her know that you will give her time and space, but will not be waiting around forever for her to decide.

FastAcura

Ok, now someone kill me.

FastAcura

Actually all you guys have said applies here. She is "dating" someone but she says "not seriously" And she said that she thinks that "ONE DAY" we will get back together.

That "one day" just killed me.

BC2G

IMO.. plain and simple, she no longer likes you like she once did

FastAcura

^^^

Did I mention we had been together for 3 years and been through a lot of shit?

AS3.0CL

i wouldn't count on that because if she really loves you and wanted to be with you she wouldn't want to see other guys or take a "break", she would want to be with you and work out the issues that she may have with you.

FastAcura

So I should give up? I can't stop thinking about this and she won't talk to me. She said just give me some time and that she needed time.

AS3.0CL

i would give her some time but i won't hold your breath. you said that you have been threw alot of shit with her and you stayed together. maybe she needs space but some how you need to talk to her and see where she is coming from. to me right now saying that she doesn't want to talk to you, she is blowing you off. give her sometime and then sit down and talk to her face to face and try to see what she is thinking.

moeronn

Don't stalk her but on the other let hew know that you won't always be there if she takes too long.

It could be that this other guy is a short term infatuation that ends quickly. You just have to decide how long you are willing to give her and what you find acceptable.

FastAcura

Ok, this is what happened.

As I said in a post in ramblings, I have anger issues. I get mad over stupid shit so easily. I have said a lot of mean things to her and there has been a lot of arguing lately.

I'm not exactly sure what's causing me to get so angry, but she said that I needed help. Right now, I'm going to counseling and get these anger issues taken care of. She said that I needed a lot of help and that after help she will consider getting back together. She wanted a break though and doesn't seem very affectionate. I asked her why she doesn't wanna be by my side while I get this help and she never answers the text messages. She says that one of her friends took a break from her boyfriend and that they got back together.

I don't know what to do. Do you think she'll want to come back to me after I finish this counseling or does she think that after a while we won't be so close and then she can just end it?

I'm seriously confused.

EDIT: I forgot to add that I was in the military and this has been a long distance relationship. I was going to move to her before the end of this year. I mean we have been through so much, I don't know why she would go for someone else right before I'm supposed to move to her after we have been through so much in the last 3 years.

moeronn

Sounds like you really need to worry about taking care of yourself and your issues first and foremost. Then, and only then, will you be able to know if she is even the right one for you.

Also, stay away from the text messaging as much as possible. More likely than not, you two will have a misunderstanding that will make things even worse. Leave her alone for at least a couple of days and do some thinking on your own. Think about what you really want for yourself and what you need from her. After a few days, ask if you can talk to her in person and let her know how you feel.

I hope your anger issues are just verbal and not physical, though.
Ahhh.. only a minor detail When was the last time you saw each other? The distance could be the major issue.

AS3.0CL

don't take my word on this but this is what it seams to me. we all have anger issues, yes it is inside everyone of us, obviously you can see that you have anger problems and she realizes that to. the thing that strikes me the most is when she says that you need help but she won't stick by you and keep blowing you off, either that means to me that you pussed her away because of your problem and she can't deal with it anymore or she doesn't want to get back together with you in the end. to me if she wanted to be with you, she would help you threw your rough time. her saying that her friends took a break and they got back together is an excuse to go on a break you always do not get back together.

your going to have to play this in air. i say give her some space, like don't talk to her for awhile and then just call her and say if you two can talk. maybe she's mad at you and needs to cool down before she talks to you. i don't know only you do. i say do your counseling and then call her like half way threw it and say lets talk and see where it goes from there. good luck

edit: yeah distance maybe a problem but it may also show how much she wants to be with you and not leaving you because you don't get to see each other.

FastAcura

Of course they're only verbal. I could never hurt her in a physical way. The thing is, right after I say something bad to her, I feel like the lowest piece of shit on this planet. I hate hurting her like that, I really don't know what gets over me. I love her more than anything else.

She also says that I need to take care of myself first and that she couldn't stand it anymore. I mean she really cares about me and wouldn't wanna hurt me. I think she might wanna be with someone else but doesn't wanna tell me straight up so she's calling it a break. I really hope that's not the case, but I can't change how she feels. All I can do is try to change and take care of my anger issues and let her know that I'm trying to fix myself for her.

FastAcura

We usually saw each other once a week at least. That's why I didn't understand the "break" when we barely see each other anyways.

I was going to move there this year though so that can't be that big of an issue.

mattg

you need to give her space and go out and date other girls.


if you call her all the time and hound her you'll only push her further away. this kind of situation sucks when you're the one who wants to stay together. trust me, i know.

FastAcura

Thanks. Unfortunatelly I've been doing the other because I wanted to know what's going on. But since yesterday I've stopped sending her messages.

I just feel really bad for ruining this because she is the greatest girl I've ever known and I couldn't think of being with anyone else but her. It's easy to go out and see other girls, but I really don't feel like doing that. I wanna try and save this, as hard as it may seem. I'm just gonna give her time and not try to contact her for a while.

CLpower

CLpower

big And it's very very hard to stay away, that's what sucks about love, when it ends one side usually wants it more then the other.

ric

YOu've been candid enough on other posts for me to reference it here. Your anger issues come from some searing experiences that transcend the usual, FastAcura, and I am sorry about that. That you are taking steps early in your adult life to process that is a statement of considerable strength. All people have anger issues, but not all people have deeply embedded anger issues from having grown up in a wartorn country with all that that implies.

She wants to take a break because your issues are a bit overwhelming for her. She cannot, for the moment, manage the concept of supporting you through your journey. Frankly, your journey of dealing with your shit is just starting, and I suspect she understands that. Actually, the fact that you are now seeking help may make her feel more comfortable in separating from you, as she no longer has to feel responsible for your mental health. (not that she ever was, but she may have felt that she was. Called codependence........ ) And, your seeking help may also threaten her. Change, even for the better, can be enormously threatening for some folks.

It takes to to configure a relationship, and she is not playing, so you have, really, the choice of how you accept this, not whether you will. You sound like you are making a graceful effort to respect her boundaries.

I will note, however, that you may expereince an odd circumstance. After you have worked on your issues for a period of time (let's say six months or so....), you may have sustained a level of personal growth that will make it very difficult for the two of you to be toghether again - the new you, more able to express anger in ways that are socially acceptable and more able to identify anger triggers and relate them back to their origins, - may no longer "work" for her. And more importantly, you may discover that she does not work for you, despite the history and the three years you have sustained together. (It is easy to objectify and sentimentalize a relationship from a distance.........). I note this as a possibility, for this kind of "disjunct" frequently occurs when one part of a couple seeks help, gets it, synthesizes it into their behavior and then discovers that they have moved to a different place, and the other person is not in the same emotional place. So just a heads up.

I think you're doing the right thing in respecting her boundaries (you can't force her into the relationship, after all), and I would not focus on what might be three or six or nine months down the road. I would suggest that your focusing on counseling is a great stride of substantial strength, and I would let that absorb my time for now. You can enhance counseling by doing journaling work as well as other activities that support that effort. and kudos to you for getting help. A lot of folks who need it don't and end up living emotionally crippled. Keep in touch, mourn the loss of the relationship that you hoped it might be, date, if you want, and focus on your "stuff"

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

if she's busy worrying about having space, and dating someone else, then you should worry about yourself, and try dating someone else. Break is one thing, but you never know if it's really temporary or not. Good luck

nicholbr

that might be one of the best posts i've ever read on this forum.

Ric you have helped alot of people and your wisdom reaches far beyond what I can ever hope to achieve.

on a side note: i recently went through a similar situation and even though we got back together, if we hadn't, Ric's words would have been the best route for me as well...take his advice

FastAcura

Yes Ric, thanks, you've been very helpful in various posts and PMs.

The thing is, her and I have been SO close. I mean since we had a long distance relationship, we mostly didn't see our other friends on the weekends. We'd work/go to school Monday through Friday and then we would have 2 days together. That left basically no time for anyone else. Driving 600 miles every weekend really robs your time. Now that she's gone, I'm not so close to my other friends as I used to be. When you get in the rhytm of seeing each other and being together every weekend, you don't know what you lose with other people.

I just can't even go an hour without thinking about this. Even when I'm with friends and they try to get me to forget about it, I just can't.

ric

dealling with the loss of a captivating and intense relationship that has lasted years isn't easy, and it won't happen overnight. In fact, trying to "forget about it" is probably a bit conterproductive, that would just lead to surpressing your pain and anguish and they would just show up later, in another time and place.

This may be a time to explore other activities, a sport or activity that you haven't committed to because you were tied up on the weekends. A sports team that meets on Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning...... something active that makes a positive out of the sudden availability of your weekend time again. But your loss is a palpble one, and real. I am sorry she has moved away from you, but I would not let that dissuade you from "doing the work" in counseling.

I appreciate your comments as well as those of nicholbr; I don't know that I have that much wisdom, but I have been around longer and have had time to reflect on a complex life. I am glad that my random insights have some value......

Rodney

WOW, I can't believe the power of this thread. Fastacura, I can relate 1000% to what you are going through right now, because I am right now experiencing the exact same thing. I also cant function properly as a result of my girlfriend of over 2 years telling me she needs time apart. WTF does it really mean is the question?? I'm am just a mess, a true disastor. This girl is not a game player at all, she is not leading me on and disrespecting me(having her cake and eating it too), and she is the most remarkeable girl I've ever met, whom for the first time I am certain I want to spend the rest of my life with!!

I really am so out of sorts. I don't know how to respond to her needing time away. When we do talk, its always me just showering her with words of affection, about how I will do anything to make her happy, how Im sorry about mistakes I've made in the past, how Im not perfect, how I just care about her soooooo much and would do anything to make it work while crying my eyes out. I do agree that surely this must make her feel uneasy and annoyed, but I feel that I must let her know at every opportunity how I feel.

I have told her that if this does mean seeing other people that I would not accept that. I could not go back to her if she were to date someone else. I absolutely would not be able to handle it. It would be the ultimitate mind boggling pain that I'd be lucky to get through. She knows I feel very strongly about staying pure and I feel that every person you are with, you give them a little piece of your heart, meaning less for you.

How long am I supposed to wait here dying. Everyday feels like an eternity. I hurt so bad. I don't want to lay down a timetable, but I don't want to be a sucker who gets played and trampled on for a long time!! But then again, I love her soo much I would wait or do anything. Man am I confused. I have spoken with some people about my situation, and I have gotten some interesting feed back(everyone has such differing opinions). The one really neat thing I heard was from this 40 year old Jamaican women who is the sweetest thing ever. She really seems to have a grasp on life. Anyway, she summed it up quite simply by saying this, "nobody runs from good." That seems to make sense. I just hope I'm "good".

Ric, thanks for your thoughts, they are appreciated!!
Fastacura, I wish you well!!

FastAcura

Man, this is exactly the carbon copy of my situation. I cried to her, I told her that I was sorry for what I did and that I'm trying to get help, but she says "a break is a break. I do believe that we will be back together one day though."

I don't know what to say to that. I'm trying to give her her space and privacy, but when you love someone so much and your heart hurts so much, you can't seem to stay away.

I don't know what to do.

Rodney

I wish I could help you out a little. Just hang on as best you can, one day at time. I hate it when you hear stupid shit like "there are more out there, and they are better", or "whats meant to be will be".....

This shit is bad news. On a positive note, I believe that when you are trying to better a relationship, its definitely better to take a cooling down period and take a step outside of the box for a while so you can focus and actually move forward rather than peddle in the same shit forever. Kind of like taking a clearer bird eye view of the situation. Just make sure your girl truly is worth the heartache. If she is not, this is a good time to walk away. In my case, I am 100% in love and commited to making this work!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever it takes!!

Ric, keep the wisdom pouring in here, I'm dying, and you are very much in the know and comforting!!

supermegaglossy

.... not good. Girls do this so they can not talk to you while they think about breaking up with you. It doesn't help with a guy calls his gf 4 times a day long distance and she's having second thoughts about it all. She wants to cut contact so she doesn't have to listen to you while she makes up her mind.

Hate to break it to you, but I was that girl in your situation once... he was devastated, but I didn't love him anymore. Sorry dude

Hojo061782

For women to do this, though, is just so disrespectful of guys and their feelings. I've been in this situation (but we got back together), and it just completely sucked. I can understand needing time to think...but if you already know you're going to break up with the guy?! That's utter cruelty and pure emotional torture that will take a *long* time to heal for the guy. For all the women out there...if you know you're going to break up with the guy, just do it! Break his heart once! Don't drag it out and torture him by saying, "I need time to think," when that's complete bs.

EDIT: Sorry about the rambling nature of the post and the seeming incoherence. I just have been in a similar situation and was reminded very strongly of what I felt at the time.

supermegaglossy

yes, but girls honestly DO need time to think about things sometimes. it was something i didn't want to rush into just on a whim when we were having rough times. however, we ended up breaking up because it WASN'T a whim, i really couldn't be with him anymore and be happy. and i'm glad i thought it through alone, on my own.

JJ4Short

I say fuck her best friend

spidey07

Hate to break the news, but a break is a break-up. And once they say "i want a break" the damage is already done and there really isn't any going back - she's caused too much harm/pain. I certainly wouldn't want to be with somebody who hurt me. Relationships are partly a "I trust you to not hurt me" and she broke that pact.

If a women is happy in a relationship they don't run, ya know.

What do you do? Never call her or speak to her again and get on with your life. You'll be fine. But for your emotional well being you just gotta move on.

FastAcura

Well, I think it's over now. She sent me text messages today asking me random every day questions. Then she came online and we started talking.

She said that I should have gotten help earlier. Then she said "not to do it again" So I was like, "sweet, she wants to come back to me." The I asked her if Scott was her boyfriend (The guy that she was "not seriously dating") and she said "he's a nice guy." So I asked again, "is he your boyfriend" and she said "pretty much." She said that she doesn't wanna be with me RIGHT NOW. She said that she can't just expect me to be better OVERNIGHT and that she can't just believe when I say that I'm doing better and that my anger problems are gone. Well we talked for about 20 minutes and then she had to leave cuz she had plans with Scott.

Now I don't know. I mean she says that it can't happen overnight (which basically means she's trying to trust me and waiting for me to get better) and then she says he's a "good guy - pretty much boyfriend."

I think I'm just gonna take the loss. She said "I'll talk to you later" but I don't know if she means tonight or whenever. I don't feel very close to her right now and this didn't help. Earlier today she sent me a message that said "I love you but you wouldn't have gotten help if I hadn't taken a break" which gave me some hope.

I really don't know what she wants, but I'm really gonna lower my expectations. I'll probably be better off with someone else anyway. But I really think that she'll be calling me the first time this guy hurts her, but it's gonna be too late then.

samkws

i just told my gf the past week that i need a break

and she realized that i don't like her anymore so we are breaking up

ericajackhannahjamie?

FastAcura,
Girls do get confused emotionally at times. Your anger issues really frustrated her so she decided to take a break from you. Women do not sudden decide to take a break, we carefully think about it for awhile, giving men chances after chances. You probably continued to frustrate her or made her cry when you two argued. You have showed that you are a man by first admitting you have anger issue and seek couselling..
You seem to really like her, if not really LOVE her. The best thing you can do now is to focus on working out your anger management and become a better person Think twice before you start yelling, think twice before you become angry, ask yourself if it's worth stressing over a simple matter. I don't know her personality so I cannot say if she's really dating this "nice guy" or simply a "rebound" for her. If it's meant to be, she will be back into your life, if not.. you lost someone you love but you also gained something (able to control your anger issues). She mentioned "if you two haven't had a break, you wouldn't have gotten help", clearly she looks out for you and does love you. Time is the only thing that can heal the pain, and fate is the only thing that can bring you two back together if that's a case. Please concentrate on working your inner issues out, and you will mature alot more than you think. Perhaps she will come back one day, I know I would if I see my man working hard to become a more mature person.
What attracts a woman is a hard working man facing his weakness, I love that!

Good luck~