slobeatz

Okay, a little background. Ex-girlfriend (andrea) and I broke up somewhere around a year and a half ago. Long distance relationship....she was in Ithaca, NY me in Albany. We had managed to keep the relationship going for almost 2 years and started talking about getting married, but then she needed to find herself...so on, and so on, and so on. Needless to say, it ended on bad terms, we haven't talked since. I soon find out that she's started dating some other guy about a month later and I was devastated for at least a month. The whole couldn't eat or function thing...lost about 15 lbs.

Presently, I thought I had gotten over her. I've had a few relationships, but nothing really serious yet. Hadn't been thinking about her or anything. Then this:

Now entering dreamland:

I'm walking out of some building and I see my sister talking to someone. Then I notice it's andrea and proceed to ignore her and walk bye. She calls out to me, but I just keep walking. After I see her walk away, I get this sense that I really need to talk to her. Somehow in the span of 5 minutes it goes from daylight to pitch black and I'm in my car without it's headlights on, trying to dodge trees in some wooded area (why I'm not on a road I don't know). Anyway, I pretty much destroy the car as I'm trying to get to the building that she is in (looks alot like a school building, maybe one in Ithaca). I finally get there and she is sitting on the stage of some talk show and I walk out like I was cued to come on stage. We hug/squeeze each other and kiss and then everything feels as though it should.

Then I wake up and feel this sense of loss...almost like I had been crying in my dream. Been depressed for the past 2 days now.

Any ideas?

Now, I feel a little :ghey: with that last bit of detail there.

ricecake

I've often found that when you dream about someone in your past, it means you are really to have some emotional closure with respect to the situation, even if in your dream you are intimate (emotionally as well as physically). If this is the case, it seems to me that you have been through a lot to get to the point where you can even start moving on with your life...

Stokeless_TSX

just kill her never have to think about her again =)

dabuda

sounds like you still havent gotten over her...you can

1) call her and start dating again
2) call someone else and get over her
3) follow stoke's advice and make new "friends" in jail

iamhomin

I think your dream applies to the analysis above..

phipark

It only means that you aren't over her and you want to get back together as if you never broke up.

xizor

all the advice sounds right (cept maybe stoke's). going cold turkey on a relationship is bad for closure. I dated a girl for 2 years and we ended on decent terms, but ended up she wanted to get back together, and I didn't talk to her for 8 months. Even though I wasn't attracted to her at all and was dating someone else, I wanted to know how her life was going. Getting in touch w/ her again was a very very bad idea though, as once your lifes have split, you can't bring them back together.

Viking

IMO you are experiencing a sense of loss for the type of relationship you had with you ex-girlfriend. The closeness you shared with your ex is something you probably miss. Since you haven't talked to your ex in about a year and a half and haven't thought about her until this dream, would indicate that you don't necessarily have feelings for her but may suggest that you subconsciously desire to have a more meaningful relationship in your life. Just my

Junkster

I don't know... I had a pretty solid closure with T, but I still think about her from time to time.

I think significant relationships stay with you for the rest of your life, especially when you have no one else to preoccupy your mind at the time. I don't think it means that you are in need of seeking out your ex again. I think you might be in need of another relationship. People talk about rebounds like it's a bad thing, but it serves as just that... a rebound to get you back on your feet. It seems like your relationship was pretty close, especially if marriage was in the talks. You sound like you miss that, a significant someone to make you feel like you are needed in life. (I'm also guessing you live alone? Or are in a new environment?) If you there are new pressures or such in your life currently, you might be searching for some familiar comforts, such as your old gf, a time when you felt happy and wanted by someone you felt the same way about.

Although, Stoke's suggestion sound like a great way to get rid of my dreams as well... hmmm...

Junkster, who feels for Slobeatz' situation

biker

If you want radical advice, stoke usually has the answer.

slobeatz

Thanks for the replies so far guys! I pretty much figured that I probably need to get in touch with her, but I tend to be rediculously stubborn. Plus, the only way I could get in touch with her would be through her parents and I they obviously think I'm a jerk for breaking their daughter's heart, even if it wasn't completely my fault.

Maybe I'll just take stoke's advice

slobeatz

So basically, I think I've decided to just write a letter and mail it to her parents house. Maybe it's a pansy ass move, but I may just need to write it and not even send it. If I do send it, I don't think I'll put any contact info on it either (including return address).

jcg878

I think you need to spend some time out with your buds, and move on. She sounds like she has I'm not a fan of the letter idea, but if you do I'd include a return address - not doing so seems ... I don't know... lame. I can see why you wouldn't want to include it, but it's just too one-way.

My advice: spend time with the people who care about you and realize there's more to your life than what this girl brought to it


jcg, who surprises himself by responding in this forum

jcg878

I'll bet stoke is all about giving teddy bears and 'cute talk' with his woman - don't believe the hype

slobeatz

It's probably just frustration because he hasn't seen his girl in a while.....or he has been brainwashed by the military

slobeatz

by the way, Good response jcg!

jlukja

And if you can't do it yourself I'm sure Stoke knows somebody who knows somebody ....

gfxdave99

Seriously.. DO NOT CALL HER and MOS DEF do not do the letter.

This may sound harsh, but if she used the "i need to find myself, its not you" line, it may be her sugar coated way of saying she just wasnt into you. Now hear me out, I've been the dump-ee many more times then ive been the dump-er (once) and you can read in my other post in this catagory about my now X is that I just didnt know how to tell her I just wasnt into her the way she was into me. Because she was and is a good person who I do care about, but I just dont have that..... (insert random term for spontanious affection here) for her that I have had for others and that spark I know should be there. In the end i just told her the truth and we still talk on and off and are on good terms (after the whole initial breakup drama)

Now lets take this scenerio a step further, you found out shes dating somebody else. That just further brings support to my hypothosis that she knew you were a kind and sensitive guy and didnt want to just tell you the straight up truth.

However in trying to be nice she did you a complete dis-service.

While it would have been crushing to hear from somebody who you spent two years on and off with that you just werent the one for them and they felt they needed to move on, you would have at least had some closure. On top of that with it being a long distance relationship as much as it sucks to think about, you dont know if she was seeing somebody else or multiple people the whole time.

So instead you get a sugar coated reason for ending things, and the compounded pain of finding out her blatent dishonesty by dating somebody right off the rebound (and for all we know before she ended things with you) which would make anybody feel like complete shit.

Part of you is wondering what you did wrong, what you could have done differently etc and the simple answer is nothing. And part of that comes feelings of the possiblities of 2nd chances, new beginnings w/her etc because she never gave you closure, she left you on a string.

I can tell from your reactions described your post that you are a sensitive person, and you deserve somebody much better then a woman that has shown blatent dishonesty in light of your trust.

I can tell you from being the dump-ee several times that while part of you may really want her back and you feel a major sense of loss after 2 years of investment in another person, the best thing for you to do is to move on, realize you deserve better and take it on the chin as a learning experience.

If you call her all that is going to end up happening is you are either going to get spoonfed more bullshit, or she is going to be straight up mean to you... Either are going to be traumatic and unpleasent because as harsh as it sounds, if she really thought you were the one and really wanted to sort her life out so she could be with you, she wouldnt be dating somebody seemingly the minute she broke up with you.

In the dream when you keep walking is your pride, the part of you who doesnt think you deserve the crap that you got from her, then you change your mind and decide to go and see if maybe there is a 2nd chance, and the car chase is representing the pain and suffereing you have gone through and would go through if you tried to work things out and the whole talk show is a representation of what you thought the relationship was, she made you feel whole and complete which is what you miss. You dont miss her.

Just my 2c

Stokeless_TSX

ohhh man i was just joking people lol...Seriously just need time change your number get away from her. Stop all contact with her it will help just come to terms with it. Its over there is nothing you can do. Love hurts its a standard..you cant love with out pain being involved...no matter how much you love someone at least once you will be hurt by loving them too much. Just go out with the guys have a good time stay busy and dont try to hook up right away you know. Take it easy and have fun....
Stoke

ric

If the relationship was heartfelt and deeply intended by you (whatever her thoughts and feelings were), it may take a year of "mourning" to "get over it" - which is not to suggest that you should wear black and avoid all social contact, but it is likely that thoughts and feelings about her will surface for some time............. jcg's advice is good - have a life, spend time with friends and family who care about you - more time will give you perspective - and if you "have a life", the right woman will emerge. Probably not your old girlfriend.

As for writing a letter - good way to air out your feelings - but would read it four or five times and wait a week or three before burning it (or at least hide it where Biker can't find it). The value of the letter is to get out your feelings in one place. Ultimately, the resolution about this affair will be internal within yourself; I doubt that there is much that she can say that would help you find that fabled "closure" (she has no reason to, unless she is saintly, which sounds improbable)...... you gotta work through it yourself; writing it all out may help (it's called journaling....). You may never get happy with the way it ended, but you will gain some perspective about what was good and what was flawed. and you will move on. Somewhere along the line who she was and what she did will matter less, and you will find a match of parity that will last.

I had one engagement and three major romances before I got married, and each breakup was unique and "special". I was the dumpee in one, the dumper in two, and a third broke up via mutual agreement. Am in some social contact with three of the four, althought that did not occur for some time after the relationships had ended. With the three that I remain in touch with, we are good, but not close friends - they are all fascinating and delightful women who have carved out interesting lives - the one who dumped me didn't want to "process" it following the "dump" (an eight-hour arguement in a VW Beetle returning from Maine to Philly; I don't recommend it), so I moved on. We've managed to travel in the same circles and city for two decades following our multiyear affair without ever running into each other that I've been aware of....................

biker

This thread is just :ultraghey:

blackjackman

It's NOT Jerry Springer Show I hope !
if it is...oh boyo