sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

CLIFFS at bottom.

My g/f is a german residing in Germany. I met her when I was stationed there in the Army. I was with her about 9 months before I got out of the army. We have been doing the LD thing since March 06. She has been here 4 times and I went back there 1 time. We see each other about every 4 months. We talk on the phone everyday.

The other day I asked her what she thought about moving here with me. The answer I got was not what I expected. It wasn't a yes or no. It was, "I don't know what to say". OK, I understand it was a big question to drop on her. Today she told me she couldn't sleep or do her work cuz she was thinking about this. She said she loves me, but I'm an american. "I didn't plan to fall in love with an american, it just happened." she said. She's worried about leaving her job and her family and friends. She's also thinks her english is not good enough. She speaks better english than I speak german and I did fine over there for almost 4 years.

A job is a job. I mean it's not something she can't do here (she has been a seceratary at the same firm for the past 7 years). Friends come and go. Her family will support anything she wants to do. They want what's best for her. I understand that she's scared. She's never left germany other than to vist me. I don't want to force her to do anything. That's the way I felt after I asked her. She knew this day would come sooner or later. She had made hints to the fact in the past. I tried to reassure her as best as could, but I really suck at it.

I know she would rather have me move there. That is really not an option given my son goes to school here. He will be starting kindergarten in Sept. Not only that, he needs a stable environment given what he's been through (that's another story). He's already moved too many times.

Am I worrying for nothing?

CLIFFS:

g/f lives in Deutschland
asked her to move here w/ me and my son
got mixed feelings
son starts kindergarten in Sept.

Street Spirit

Honestly, I'm not surprised that she didn't know how to answer. It's a huge decision with many factors that pull at her heartstrings and comfort zone. It's simple to say she can find another job, that friends come and go, and that her family just wants what's best for her.

Put yourself in her situation and see how easy those words are to swallow. If she had asked you the same question, would you be so quick to grab your son, quit your job and comfort zone, say goodbye to your family and support network, and hop a plane? I don't think it's a question of love, I think it's just something she needs to sit with for a bit. It's one thing to fantasize about moving in together; it's another to face the reality of it. Give her time to take things in, and don't push a decision asap.

sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

I don't expect an answer immediately. I wasn't trying to rush her at all, although I think it came across that way. I thought about it from her view, as well. I would do it in a heartbeat if I didn't have a son. Don't take that as me wishing I didn't have a son or my son's holding me back, because that is not the case.
It's easy for me to say I would do it, because I have done it a few times. I did it when I joined the army and twice for the army.
I know she needs to be close to people she trusts.

sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

The more I sit and think about this, the more nervous I get. I hope I didn't scare her away.
Thanks SS for your advice!

teranfon

Yeah, I would certainly imagine that she would have mixed feelings. Unfortunately, this is something you can't rush, and at the end the decision will be entirely her's to make. As mentioned earlier, its best you convey to her that you want her to be in America with you, but that you understand and accept her decision if she isn't quite ready for that sort of commitment. If ever. Never use your ongoing relationship as an ultimatum, but instead as something to build upon and see whatever sacrifices you are both willing to make to be with each other.

I'm certainly not trying to influence you one way or the other, but have you considered maybe moving to Germany? I'm sure there are English speaking schools which your son may find quite enjoyable. I know you have his welfare as your highest priority, but it may be a wonderful experience for him to be educated and experience another part of the world.

Good luck with however it works out.

Terry

sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

I have considered moving there. I am not too concerned with the language. He's almost five and I think he will learn german in 6 months or so. I am more concerned about finding a job. I have applied for a few US gov jobs over there, but got denied. I think once I get more time in my field, it will be easier. Her job is not enough to support us. If we were married the we would get support from the german government. The firm I work for has offices over there, but they don't need any IT people now. I recently got a huge promotion at work and I think after a year at my position the opportunities will come knocking.
I have lived over there and I would love to live their again. I don't want to give up my citizenship, however.
I will let her think it over for a while. She is coming here in April, so maybe once she is here she will realize it's a good idea.
Thanks for your input!

Will Y.

It may be OK to take the pressure off your GF by letting her know that you've considered moving over there, and that you might be able to in a year.
I don't think you need to give up your citizenship to live abroad-- you can be one of the expats.

videojock

I am in a similar situation as you but my girlfriend lives in Austria so I kind know where you are coming from. I agree as to what others have said regarding putting pressure on her. That will only make her more scared of the situation. I believe it is safe to say that she loves you as I am sure she wouldn't travel such a far distance if she didn't.

In love there is always some kind of compromise or sacrifice that needs to be made in order to make things work, especially if trying to narrow the distance in a LD relationship.

One thing you may want to consider is doing a trial, such as living together in both countries. Per say 3 months there to see if you can make things happen for yourself and vice versa for her. That way no one feels as if they are giving up more than the other. Once the trial is done talk it over and see which one fits for you.

Another option if you guys are financially secure is to keep residences in both countries and live 6 months in each. That way neither of you have to lose your close ties to friends, family etc.

I can go on and on with different options but with time the right solution will present itself at the right opportunity. Good luck to you.

amisconception

And I think an hour is too far...

MWalsh9152

and I bitch about the 15 minute ride

philly fresh

that is a good point. your going to have to put yourself out there. tell her you want to go over there for the summer since is coming up. your son will be out of school and will get to travel at the least.

i guess all you can do is reassure her that everything will be okay and that if you do love her you will be there for her. packing up and moving to the other side of the world is a big decision. you have to consider all the what if. what if it doesnt work out. she will be left with nothing here. not to say it wont work out but you have to think everything through.

wndrlst

sho_nuff & videojock - how often do you guys visit with your gf's?? & for how long?

I don't know how you do it.

sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

we see each other about every four months. she was last here in jan and she will be back in apr.


as far as living there with her, for the last 2 months i was in germany i did live with her. living there 6 months and here six months is simply not an option. that would not be good for my son and what job other than a movie star would let you do that?

i was upfront with her from the very beginning. she knew i would be leaving germany soon. she knew i had a son. i reminded her many times just to make sure she knew what she was getting into. i tried to be upfront as possible because i knew this day would come.

she has time to think about, i am not in a hurry. anyways what would life be without difficult moments, right?

i appreciate all the replies.

Whiskers

darksom1

Aaahhh...the things we encounter when we love a broad abroad...I don't think you need to do a test run, as you have already lived over there and you have previously stated she has been here on more than one occassion. I do think you have to take or leave her answer and respect it, as it is very difficult to uproot yourself and leave your family behind, even cross-country, let alone leaving the country. Plus, the way of life for either of you is to be heavily considered.

She has no kids and you do, so you must do what is best for two, not one, as is her case. If it doesn't work for her, then she can just go back home. You have to change schools for your son, and social environment as well. Five years old is too young to adopt to a strange place where there are no people that he is accustomed to for security and comfort. Especially if he has been thru some dramatic changes/situations already in his short lifetime. Not good.

This is textbook women make emotional decisions, and men make logical ones. Let your mind keep you on the right path with this one and you will not make a wrong one dude. Let your heart into it, and this can go awry...quickly...

videojock

I am in Austria right now. I travel out here every 1-2 months depending how busy I am with work. This time around I will be here for 3.5 weeks. Next time for about a week. By than I am hoping to have my cousin in and trained to help run my business stateside so I can stay for an extended time to work on my German & form some kind of business partnership. F the Benjamins, it's all about the Euros right now.

I would have never pegged myself for being open to a LD relationship but the timing and everything else was right. Communication & honesty make it work for us along with a few other things.

sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

^^ are you hiring?

videojock

Could be possible in the future. I am just learning the standards, specifications and the requirements needed to open shop here. I am in the IT industry and we mainly work with Cisco gear focusing on wireless, R&S and voice. We also provide asset management and brokering services for companies looking to maximize their ROI on gear not being used. We also stock new and used gear and sell wholesale to resellers or to end users.

Feel free to send me your contact information via PM if you like.

philly fresh

young padawan

Georgiapeach

Asking her to leave her country, move across country, give up everything that she knows, family, friends, and her job and she is just your girlfriend. That a bit rough and honestly it's a bit selfish, maybe if she was your wife it wouldn't be so rough, difficult, or hard. I just think that is a lot to be asking of someone who is just your girlfriend. She is not even your fiancée and you are asking her to move. If that was me I would have told you hell no right off the top, make me your wife then I would consider.

philly fresh

you do bring up a good point. try putting a rock on her finger to prove everything will work out. but only do it if you really love her and is someone you want to be with

darksom1

Hmm...I get the point, no doubt...but damn that mail-order bride stuff!! Germany is too far to travel to come and get my ring back from you if you renege on our "agreement". Come over here and set up shop, and I will do it, but as long as you are in Germany - Hell no! See you on our next hook-up date is what I would tell ya! Hahahahahaha!

Now, I might be able to do a lil something, something as far as a friendship ring...but that about it in Germany!

sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

very good point, indeed. i plan to ask her to marry me in april when she is here. she is absolutely the one for me. i wanted to get an idea of how she felt before i popped the question.
looking back now, i shouldn't have said anything. i should have just waited till she was here. what's done is done.

philly fresh

well sho_nuff gl on everything i hope everything works out for you

sho_nuff1997

iTrader: (2)

^ thanks!

i appreciate all the input!

722ish

wow, thats quite the predicament...

shit, you only live once - run the risk of shock and damage, but get most of what you want in the mean time. I wouldnt worry about it, you served in the military, im sure this is easy!

Thanks for your service by the way, i have quite a few friends in the army, and i appreciate it every day. Without you guys, we would never live like we do!

Thanks again
take care & good luck!
Mark