Surrounded by Divorce!
09-12-2011, 08:59 AM
#1
Three Wheelin'
Thread Starter
Surrounded by Divorce!
I don't really know if this is a vent, a rant, or seeking advice - but I just need to get it out.
When I traveled to NY, it was because my friend Marina had military orders to a new base and she was traveling alone with her two kids. She wasn't supposed to be alone, but she and her husband of 9 years separated two months ago. We spent three years with them as a family in Alaska and are super close with them. I don't know why, but this really rocked me. They had dealt with infidelity and trust issues, but we thought they were working through it. My husband and I talked about their split and we both are taking it differently. He comes from a divorced home so it's not such a big deal to him. My parents are still married 33 years strong, so I was really shaken by this.
This morning I get an email from my absolute best friend that she and her husband are separating. This is a messed up situation, so try to follow along. My best friend, Stacey, is married to my ex-husband, Derrel. It was rough in the beginning. However - I came to realize that I was the one who left him and I was happy with my decision. I was happy in the situation I found myself in (with my current husband) and they were perfect for each other. (Derrel and I did not have children together.) I can't be bitter when everything has worked out for the best! I love Stacey and Derrel. They married 8 days after the ink dried on my divorce papers and have three gorgeous kids, 7, 5, and 2. I had no idea that anything was wrong. They constantly dote on each other, they live a carefree, wealthy life, etc. They just returned from a weekend away together and all of their FB posts were that they were having "an amazing time!" I'm completely blind sided by her email this morning. I'm not in their family, so I don't know what's going on, but I just didn't see it coming.
Brandon and I have been through our fair share of "shit". I'll spare you the details as I like to keep some things private - but they include trust issues, long separations due to military assignments, different upbringings and backgrounds, and communication issues. We've always managed to get through our problems. It's a bit hard, though, to watch everyone else crumble around you and not begin to scrutinize your own relationship. Should I put up with as much as I do? Are my friends just taking the easy way out or have they given it everything they had? How do we stay strong and united while dealing with dividing friends?
Blah. I just HATE divorce - especially because there's so much of it going around and especially when it involves kids.
Thanks for listening.
When I traveled to NY, it was because my friend Marina had military orders to a new base and she was traveling alone with her two kids. She wasn't supposed to be alone, but she and her husband of 9 years separated two months ago. We spent three years with them as a family in Alaska and are super close with them. I don't know why, but this really rocked me. They had dealt with infidelity and trust issues, but we thought they were working through it. My husband and I talked about their split and we both are taking it differently. He comes from a divorced home so it's not such a big deal to him. My parents are still married 33 years strong, so I was really shaken by this.
This morning I get an email from my absolute best friend that she and her husband are separating. This is a messed up situation, so try to follow along. My best friend, Stacey, is married to my ex-husband, Derrel. It was rough in the beginning. However - I came to realize that I was the one who left him and I was happy with my decision. I was happy in the situation I found myself in (with my current husband) and they were perfect for each other. (Derrel and I did not have children together.) I can't be bitter when everything has worked out for the best! I love Stacey and Derrel. They married 8 days after the ink dried on my divorce papers and have three gorgeous kids, 7, 5, and 2. I had no idea that anything was wrong. They constantly dote on each other, they live a carefree, wealthy life, etc. They just returned from a weekend away together and all of their FB posts were that they were having "an amazing time!" I'm completely blind sided by her email this morning. I'm not in their family, so I don't know what's going on, but I just didn't see it coming.
Brandon and I have been through our fair share of "shit". I'll spare you the details as I like to keep some things private - but they include trust issues, long separations due to military assignments, different upbringings and backgrounds, and communication issues. We've always managed to get through our problems. It's a bit hard, though, to watch everyone else crumble around you and not begin to scrutinize your own relationship. Should I put up with as much as I do? Are my friends just taking the easy way out or have they given it everything they had? How do we stay strong and united while dealing with dividing friends?
Blah. I just HATE divorce - especially because there's so much of it going around and especially when it involves kids.
Thanks for listening.
09-12-2011, 09:24 AM
#5
GEEZER
In reference to the other thread...do you like porn? 
09-12-2011, 09:32 AM
#6
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09-12-2011, 09:45 AM
#8
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09-12-2011, 09:51 AM
#10
Three Wheelin'
Thread Starter
09-12-2011, 10:01 AM
#11
[Mod Censored Title]
09-12-2011, 10:11 AM
#12
Suzuka Master
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On the one hand, it is very difficult not to get sucked into the vortex of your close friends issues. I say be the best friend you can; however, try to not let the toxicity of their issues infect your mindset to where you start questioning/doubt your own relationship and its unique circumstances. It's natural to want to compare; however, that very process could potentially cause you your own grief.
On the other hand, when involuntary separations come into the environment, due to military commitments, then this puts an increased strain on any relationship. When I served in the USAF stationed in the U.K. I would always take note at how all of the TDY married male and females would openly engage in seeking out all of the available singles in the dorms I lived in. It was like 'Party Central'. Occasionally, through the ever present 'grape vine' one would hear how either someone got pregnant or someone's SO would hear about their partners actions while deployed, resulting in carnage to whatever relationship they had.
On the other hand, when involuntary separations come into the environment, due to military commitments, then this puts an increased strain on any relationship. When I served in the USAF stationed in the U.K. I would always take note at how all of the TDY married male and females would openly engage in seeking out all of the available singles in the dorms I lived in. It was like 'Party Central'. Occasionally, through the ever present 'grape vine' one would hear how either someone got pregnant or someone's SO would hear about their partners actions while deployed, resulting in carnage to whatever relationship they had.
09-12-2011, 10:40 AM
#13
Three Wheelin'
Thread Starter
On the one hand, it is very difficult not to get sucked into the vortex of your close friends issues. I say be the best friend you can; however, try to not let the toxicity of their issues infect your mindset to where you start questioning/doubt your own relationship and its unique circumstances. It's natural to want to compare; however, that very process could potentially cause you your own grief.
On the other hand, when involuntary separations come into the environment, due to military commitments, then this puts an increased strain on any relationship. When I served in the USAF stationed in the U.K. I would always take note at how all of the TDY married male and females would openly engage in seeking out all of the available singles in the dorms I lived in. It was like 'Party Central'. Occasionally, through the ever present 'grape vine' one would hear how either someone got pregnant or someone's SO would hear about their partners actions while deployed, resulting in carnage to whatever relationship they had.
On the other hand, when involuntary separations come into the environment, due to military commitments, then this puts an increased strain on any relationship. When I served in the USAF stationed in the U.K. I would always take note at how all of the TDY married male and females would openly engage in seeking out all of the available singles in the dorms I lived in. It was like 'Party Central'. Occasionally, through the ever present 'grape vine' one would hear how either someone got pregnant or someone's SO would hear about their partners actions while deployed, resulting in carnage to whatever relationship they had.
Being in a "military marriage" comes with its own added saddle bag of hard times. I know this way too well. I have a third friend also in the middle of a divorce (used to be super close, but not so much anymore), which makes two of the three in-progress divorces military. It's rough.
09-12-2011, 12:50 PM
#15
Having been through it myself, I don't see anything wrong with divorce. So often people see the "bad" side of that. Yes, it's sad that a relationship is not what it used to be anymore for whatever reason. But doing something about that once that's been determined is the healthy thing to do.
Too often people stay in unhealthy, loveless relationships because they don't want to go through a divorce and all the aspects associated with that process. It takes a lot of courage to face that and go down that road and sometimes the fear is enough to paralyze people into doing nothing.
The immediate future with regard to the process rarely involves good feelings. But the mid to long term results usually wind up as pretty good. They certainly have for me.
Too often people stay in unhealthy, loveless relationships because they don't want to go through a divorce and all the aspects associated with that process. It takes a lot of courage to face that and go down that road and sometimes the fear is enough to paralyze people into doing nothing.
The immediate future with regard to the process rarely involves good feelings. But the mid to long term results usually wind up as pretty good. They certainly have for me.
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wndrlst (09-13-2011)
09-12-2011, 12:58 PM
#16
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Sadly, anymore Divorce is just the easy way out. People get married for the wrong reasons, and it's way too easy to just bail out once shit gets too real
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YeuEmMaiMai (11-11-2011)
09-12-2011, 01:01 PM
#17
Three Wheelin'
Thread Starter
Shalooby - There's definitely a time and a place for divorce. I've been through one myself. I think john_wrap hit it though - marriage and divorce have been synonymous with each other. I know that sometimes divorce is necessary, it just seems like that's all I see anymore. We have less friends that are happily married than we do friends separated or divorced.
09-12-2011, 01:18 PM
#18
Drifting
09-12-2011, 01:48 PM
#19
09-12-2011, 02:37 PM
#22
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Shalooby - There's definitely a time and a place for divorce. I've been through one myself. I think john_wrap hit it though - marriage and divorce have been synonymous with each other. I know that sometimes divorce is necessary, it just seems like that's all I see anymore. We have less friends that are happily married than we do friends separated or divorced.
Never said it was easy, just said it's the easy way out. Don't get along? Divorce!
09-12-2011, 02:52 PM
#23
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09-13-2011, 08:38 AM
#24
Chapter Leader (Southern Region)
Nudes OP?
I don't believe in divorce. I'm not saying that the reasons people divorce are invalid. I understand how hostile and caustic a relationship can turn. But it takes work from both sides and a lifestyle that reflects the vows given when 2 people became 1.
I don't believe in divorce. I'm not saying that the reasons people divorce are invalid. I understand how hostile and caustic a relationship can turn. But it takes work from both sides and a lifestyle that reflects the vows given when 2 people became 1.
09-13-2011, 09:51 AM
#25
I don't think you should let other people's failed marriage affect your feelings about being married. Everytime I want to sulk in the load of bullshit I have put up with I take a second to count all the good things that come with a relationship and it all seems worth it.
If you are unhappy more than 60% of your day then it's time to discuss your issues. If you can't stand each other then it may be time for divorce.
If you are unhappy more than 60% of your day then it's time to discuss your issues. If you can't stand each other then it may be time for divorce.
09-13-2011, 10:00 AM
#26
Three Wheelin'
Thread Starter
What the hell do nudes have to do with the price of rice in China??
09-13-2011, 10:26 AM
#27
I think people get divorced more often now because there is more opportunity to find activities that your partner may not be interested in. Think about your options here.
Do the activity alone and let your partner feel excluded or abandoned.
Don't do the activity and deny yourself the enjoyment of the experience.
Do the activity together with a bored partner and not enjoy it fully.
This attitude of indulgence and fulfillment started with the boomers and grows with each generation. I'm a victim of it, too.
With the explosion of communications and information, we can find websites and forums that will encourage us to try all kinds of new things, with communities of people who will support you in that endeavor much more than your partner might. For example, how many people never thought of modifying their cars until they browsed around AZ and saw the excitement of others who had done it? Then we end up with a D&R thread asking if modding is putting a strain on the relationship.
Sign of the times, indeed.
Do the activity alone and let your partner feel excluded or abandoned.
Don't do the activity and deny yourself the enjoyment of the experience.
Do the activity together with a bored partner and not enjoy it fully.
This attitude of indulgence and fulfillment started with the boomers and grows with each generation. I'm a victim of it, too.
With the explosion of communications and information, we can find websites and forums that will encourage us to try all kinds of new things, with communities of people who will support you in that endeavor much more than your partner might. For example, how many people never thought of modifying their cars until they browsed around AZ and saw the excitement of others who had done it? Then we end up with a D&R thread asking if modding is putting a strain on the relationship.
Sign of the times, indeed.
09-13-2011, 10:36 AM
#28
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09-13-2011, 10:38 AM
#29
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Military life and marriage do not mix well at all. I didn't get married or even serious with anyone until I was out of the Navy.
09-13-2011, 10:39 AM
#30
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09-13-2011, 01:00 PM
#31
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I have a buddy that got married and divorced within a year, but most of the others are still married to their original spouses.
I've been married for 16+ years so far-- my wife won't let me marry or date other women.
One other thought-- I don't think about "being married" per se, but concentrate instead on helping my wife and kids be safe, healthy and emotionally satisfied. It's the people involved in the marriage that are important, not the institution or the tradition itself.
09-13-2011, 01:02 PM
#32
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09-14-2011, 01:30 PM
#33
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Oddly a lot of my friends are not divorced. A few on my soccer team and some people I have worked with in the past but not as much as I would expect.
Personally I do not like the idea of divorce. It is over used and it is taking the easy way out. Marriage is not supposed to be easy. You have to work at it. I also don't agree with staying together for the kids though. So all I can do is keep working at my marriage and communicate with the wife. Maybe we'll be some of the lucky ones.
Personally I do not like the idea of divorce. It is over used and it is taking the easy way out. Marriage is not supposed to be easy. You have to work at it. I also don't agree with staying together for the kids though. So all I can do is keep working at my marriage and communicate with the wife. Maybe we'll be some of the lucky ones.
09-14-2011, 01:49 PM
#34
Three Wheelin'
Thread Starter
09-14-2011, 01:50 PM
#35
Three Wheelin'
Thread Starter
Oddly a lot of my friends are not divorced. A few on my soccer team and some people I have worked with in the past but not as much as I would expect.
Personally I do not like the idea of divorce. It is over used and it is taking the easy way out. Marriage is not supposed to be easy. You have to work at it. I also don't agree with staying together for the kids though. So all I can do is keep working at my marriage and communicate with the wife. Maybe we'll be some of the lucky ones.
Personally I do not like the idea of divorce. It is over used and it is taking the easy way out. Marriage is not supposed to be easy. You have to work at it. I also don't agree with staying together for the kids though. So all I can do is keep working at my marriage and communicate with the wife. Maybe we'll be some of the lucky ones.
Amen!
09-14-2011, 02:18 PM
#37
Chapter Leader (Southern Region)
09-14-2011, 03:02 PM
#38
I shoot people
it's sad, because it seems like the average marriage these days last shorter than a car lease
09-15-2011, 02:43 AM
#39
Oddly a lot of my friends are not divorced. A few on my soccer team and some people I have worked with in the past but not as much as I would expect.
Personally I do not like the idea of divorce. It is over used and it is taking the easy way out. Marriage is not supposed to be easy. You have to work at it. I also don't agree with staying together for the kids though. So all I can do is keep working at my marriage and communicate with the wife. Maybe we'll be some of the lucky ones.
Personally I do not like the idea of divorce. It is over used and it is taking the easy way out. Marriage is not supposed to be easy. You have to work at it. I also don't agree with staying together for the kids though. So all I can do is keep working at my marriage and communicate with the wife. Maybe we'll be some of the lucky ones.
09-15-2011, 02:03 PM
#40
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My feelings on abortion is odd. I am pro-choice and feel that people should be able to choose. My choice is against abortion. But that is my personal belief. I don't want to judge someone for choosing otherwise.
With respects to teenage girls I think a lot of them need to get a reality check. And a swift kick in the ass.
With respects to teenage girls I think a lot of them need to get a reality check. And a swift kick in the ass.