Physical Attractiveness vs. Overall Person
12-05-2005, 12:41 AM
#1
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Physical Attractiveness vs. Overall Person
Okay, I'm having a pretty serious issue here.
I've been going out with a guy for 4 weeks. We haven't had sex. Why? Because I'm not physically attracted to his body. His face is cute, but the body doesn't match up. He's like 5'11 and 280lbs (but really broad shoulders, so his normal weight should be about 220).
The problem is that as a person, he's SO much alike me, and we get along so well that it would be insane to just break up with him. He's agreed to join a gym, and he's taking a really proactive stance on a total lifestyle makeover, including eating properly. He's been doing really well for the entire time I've known him. He never worked out before out of fear. But I'm holding off on sex until he's lost enough weight. I'm a total muscle addict, and he's at an unnacceptable level of 27%±3% bodyfat. I'm sitting at 13%±3%.
I've been roiling over in my head whether to leave him because of this physical attractiveness issue, but the overall package seems to be greater. I don't know what to do. My friends will tell me that I can do better, what do I say to them?
I've been going out with a guy for 4 weeks. We haven't had sex. Why? Because I'm not physically attracted to his body. His face is cute, but the body doesn't match up. He's like 5'11 and 280lbs (but really broad shoulders, so his normal weight should be about 220).
The problem is that as a person, he's SO much alike me, and we get along so well that it would be insane to just break up with him. He's agreed to join a gym, and he's taking a really proactive stance on a total lifestyle makeover, including eating properly. He's been doing really well for the entire time I've known him. He never worked out before out of fear. But I'm holding off on sex until he's lost enough weight. I'm a total muscle addict, and he's at an unnacceptable level of 27%±3% bodyfat. I'm sitting at 13%±3%.
I've been roiling over in my head whether to leave him because of this physical attractiveness issue, but the overall package seems to be greater. I don't know what to do. My friends will tell me that I can do better, what do I say to them?
12-05-2005, 12:49 AM
#2
Yeehaw
2 things....
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
That said, if they guy is actually working on changing and getting fit, it sounds like you are working in the right direction. Could actually be fun and rewarding for you to help this guy out.
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
That said, if they guy is actually working on changing and getting fit, it sounds like you are working in the right direction. Could actually be fun and rewarding for you to help this guy out.
12-05-2005, 12:59 AM
#4
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Thread Starter
Originally Posted by BEETROOT
2 things....
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
That said, if they guy is actually working on changing and getting fit, it sounds like you are working in the right direction. Could actually be fun and rewarding for you to help this guy out.
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
That said, if they guy is actually working on changing and getting fit, it sounds like you are working in the right direction. Could actually be fun and rewarding for you to help this guy out.
He is very quickly changing his perception on things. It was just a lack of knowledge, and the fact that his parents were always "eat everything on your plate" type of people. He doesn't eat out that much, it's just that he has never been physically active for fear of it. He's also a pleaser. He would do what it takes to make me happy. I know that's the wrong reasons but it's working on him. He wants more confidence too, so he's really devoted to working out. He made me go when I didn't want to, just to go with him.
The thing is, I haven't met anyone like this, ever. If I got rid of him it would feel like I'd be losing a soul-mate if there is such a thing. If I can help him get fit, it will be the biggest payoff I could imagine. But I guess if it proves to be impossible (given a reasonable amount of time, say a year), then I'll have to break up since a relationship just can't work without sex. At least not for me. Sigh.
12-05-2005, 04:45 AM
#5
GEEZER
You are too obsessed with bodies...You are going to be single a long time.
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12-05-2005, 07:27 AM
#8
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i can understand not dating someone if you're not attracted to them, but dating them and withholding sex is a little wrong on your part 
either stick as friends for now or accept who he is and that he's making the effort.
love is blind, blahblahblah, all those other cliches
either stick as friends for now or accept who he is and that he's making the effort.
love is blind, blahblahblah, all those other cliches
12-05-2005, 07:40 AM
#9
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i can relate, i have dated a bigger chick or two in my past. the last one was huge, her composition test came back reporting about 47% body fat. 
it is really hard for someone, especially an older person, to change their eating habits when they have been living a certain way for so long. even though it may seem that they are working on the problem, it may be only a transient thing unless they have a strong support group(you) behind them to keep encouraging and pushing the fatty. if you are a selfless person, and really see a future, good luck. refraining from sex isn't really encouraging them though, give the dude some motivation.
move on
it is really hard for someone, especially an older person, to change their eating habits when they have been living a certain way for so long. even though it may seem that they are working on the problem, it may be only a transient thing unless they have a strong support group(you) behind them to keep encouraging and pushing the fatty. if you are a selfless person, and really see a future, good luck. refraining from sex isn't really encouraging them though, give the dude some motivation. move on
12-05-2005, 08:00 AM
#10
Eat my shorts!!
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Originally Posted by TallyCL-S
i can relate, i have dated a bigger chick or two in my past. the last one was huge, her composition test came back reporting about 47% body fat. it is really hard for someone, especially an older person, to change their eating habits when they have been living a certain way for so long. even though it may seem that they are working on the problem, it may be only a transient thing unless they have a strong support group(you) behind them to keep encouraging and pushing the fatty. if you are a selfless person, and really see a future, good luck. refraining from sex isn't really encouraging them though, give the dude some motivation.
move on
it is really hard for someone, especially an older person, to change their eating habits when they have been living a certain way for so long. even though it may seem that they are working on the problem, it may be only a transient thing unless they have a strong support group(you) behind them to keep encouraging and pushing the fatty. if you are a selfless person, and really see a future, good luck. refraining from sex isn't really encouraging them though, give the dude some motivation. move onsorry to hijack tread but
YOU dated someone that large???
for youngtl
at least the man is making an effort to change his lifestyle. who knows, in a couple of months, he could look like Brad Pitt. Would you be physically attractive to him then? give it time
12-05-2005, 08:06 AM
#11
GEEZER
Originally Posted by zeroday
^^easy for you to say since your wife has a good body (at least from the last pic you posted)
But to actually worry about body fat % seems a little over the top.
12-05-2005, 08:12 AM
#12
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Originally Posted by 1killercls
But to actually worry about body fat % seems a little over the top. I think youngTL, just prefers someone who is leaner and obviously this man ain't lean at all.
My recommendation is to break it off now while the relationship is still young and keep him as a good friend. Who knows, maybe he will lose the weight and you'll also be physically attracted to him. Physical attraction is just as important as personal attraction. That's just my
though.
12-05-2005, 09:06 AM
#13
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by BEETROOT
2 things....
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
That said, if they guy is actually working on changing and getting fit, it sounds like you are working in the right direction. Could actually be fun and rewarding for you to help this guy out.
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
That said, if they guy is actually working on changing and getting fit, it sounds like you are working in the right direction. Could actually be fun and rewarding for you to help this guy out.
12-05-2005, 09:09 AM
#14
Senior Moderator
Originally Posted by youngTL
I'm a total muscle addict, and he's at an unnacceptable level of 27%±3% bodyfat. I'm sitting at 13%±3%.
Sounds a little obsesssive to me.
12-05-2005, 09:38 AM
#15
GEEZER
Originally Posted by fdl
Sounds a little obsesssive to me.
12-05-2005, 10:03 AM
#16
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If this guy is really interested in making a lifechange, and that lifechange results in a bod that wows you, then you ought to hang in there for a time, given that you are the impetus for his change. However, if he doesn't stick with it, then that ineffible "chemistry" is not going to be there, and any sexual interface the two of you have will essentially be in the realm of a "mercy fuck", which is no basis for an extended, caring relationship. I'd hold onto the friendship status until you're sure that you can really see the kinds of changes that will make his body match his handsome face.
It is, ultimately, the whole "package" that makes it work or not, and the nature of someone else's body and its appeal is an inextricable part of it. It is not superficial, it is animal, and we are driven by basic urges.......
It is, ultimately, the whole "package" that makes it work or not, and the nature of someone else's body and its appeal is an inextricable part of it. It is not superficial, it is animal, and we are driven by basic urges.......
12-05-2005, 10:08 AM
#17
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Originally Posted by youngTL
If I can help him get fit, it will be the biggest payoff I could imagine.
12-05-2005, 10:31 AM
#18
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Originally Posted by BEETROOT
2 things....
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
1. If you aren't attracted physically to the person, I can't imagine a relationship working. I don't think its shallow, its just a fact of life.
2. Usually, someone who is that... unfit... would have a very different lifestyle, and outlook on life, than you. I think of health concious people as a seperate group from people who aren't concerned with it, and the two groups don't usually mesh well relationship-wise. If you are eating tofu salad and your partner is going out for McDonalds, that could cause problems, I know it would for me.
12-05-2005, 11:10 AM
#19
Suzuka Master
It's in our nature as humans to desire being with attractive individuals. Physical attraction initially grabs the attention and then holds the need to get to know the person deeper.
In your case, you have already found how compatible you guys are and how much you enjoy being with him. It is best to support him in his decision to have a complete lifestyle change. You can show him how to lead a healthy life by encouraging him to work out together. If you can see total commitment on his part and the results are satisfying, then both of you would have built a good foundation for a relationship. If after some time you realize the physical attraction is just not there, then you can't be blamed for wanting more.
In the end, you deserve to have the best and that includes being with someone you completely like in all aspects. A relationship will just be rocky if the carnal desire is not satisfied and one starts to seek out others for the appetite to be gratified.
In your case, you have already found how compatible you guys are and how much you enjoy being with him. It is best to support him in his decision to have a complete lifestyle change. You can show him how to lead a healthy life by encouraging him to work out together. If you can see total commitment on his part and the results are satisfying, then both of you would have built a good foundation for a relationship. If after some time you realize the physical attraction is just not there, then you can't be blamed for wanting more.
In the end, you deserve to have the best and that includes being with someone you completely like in all aspects. A relationship will just be rocky if the carnal desire is not satisfied and one starts to seek out others for the appetite to be gratified.
12-05-2005, 11:14 AM
#20
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1 of 2 things will happen:
1) he will give up on the gym and start hating you for trying to change him...relationship over.
2) he'll end up losing the weight and then dumping you for someone better...relationship over.
move on.
1) he will give up on the gym and start hating you for trying to change him...relationship over.
2) he'll end up losing the weight and then dumping you for someone better...relationship over.
move on.
12-05-2005, 12:10 PM
#22
Registered Abuser of VTEC
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by wipe0ut
either that or he dumps you for someone at 10%±3% after he gets in shape.
12-05-2005, 12:12 PM
#23
Registered Abuser of VTEC
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by ric
If this guy is really interested in making a lifechange, and that lifechange results in a bod that wows you, then you ought to hang in there for a time, given that you are the impetus for his change. However, if he doesn't stick with it, then that ineffible "chemistry" is not going to be there, and any sexual interface the two of you have will essentially be in the realm of a "mercy fuck", which is no basis for an extended, caring relationship. I'd hold onto the friendship status until you're sure that you can really see the kinds of changes that will make his body match his handsome face.
It is, ultimately, the whole "package" that makes it work or not, and the nature of someone else's body and its appeal is an inextricable part of it. It is not superficial, it is animal, and we are driven by basic urges.......
It is, ultimately, the whole "package" that makes it work or not, and the nature of someone else's body and its appeal is an inextricable part of it. It is not superficial, it is animal, and we are driven by basic urges.......
12-05-2005, 12:14 PM
#24
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Originally Posted by youngTL
I can totally see that he has the potential to be very handsome (he already is fairly handsome), if he just lost some weight. I figure fat can be lost, but ugly can't be fixed. But then again I have to hold off sex until I feel good about it...argh.
He is very quickly changing his perception on things. It was just a lack of knowledge, and the fact that his parents were always "eat everything on your plate" type of people. He doesn't eat out that much, it's just that he has never been physically active for fear of it. He's also a pleaser. He would do what it takes to make me happy. I know that's the wrong reasons but it's working on him. He wants more confidence too, so he's really devoted to working out. He made me go when I didn't want to, just to go with him.
The thing is, I haven't met anyone like this, ever. If I got rid of him it would feel like I'd be losing a soul-mate if there is such a thing. If I can help him get fit, it will be the biggest payoff I could imagine. But I guess if it proves to be impossible (given a reasonable amount of time, say a year), then I'll have to break up since a relationship just can't work without sex. At least not for me. Sigh.
He is very quickly changing his perception on things. It was just a lack of knowledge, and the fact that his parents were always "eat everything on your plate" type of people. He doesn't eat out that much, it's just that he has never been physically active for fear of it. He's also a pleaser. He would do what it takes to make me happy. I know that's the wrong reasons but it's working on him. He wants more confidence too, so he's really devoted to working out. He made me go when I didn't want to, just to go with him.
The thing is, I haven't met anyone like this, ever. If I got rid of him it would feel like I'd be losing a soul-mate if there is such a thing. If I can help him get fit, it will be the biggest payoff I could imagine. But I guess if it proves to be impossible (given a reasonable amount of time, say a year), then I'll have to break up since a relationship just can't work without sex. At least not for me. Sigh.
12-05-2005, 01:48 PM
#26
Suzuka Master
Originally Posted by youngTL
Right, I wouldn't want to just have a mercy fuck. It's not like I'm holding back sex, just that I haven't brought myself to do it yet. I'm just afraid that if I break up with him now he'll resent me forever, and he's a really good friend too.
There is a difference.
12-05-2005, 03:19 PM
#29
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YoungTL, I'd say you 2 are better off being friends right now. I had a friend that liked me a lot and the whole time I was friends with him I knew deep down he wanted it to be more. But bottomline was I didn't find him attractive. He was too skinny for me and I didn't care for the way he dressed.
One of the options I could have done was made him my project like you did with your guy or just stayed friends with him and helped be his wardrobe advisor. In the end of my friendship with him I got rid of him because he ended up taking my friendship for granted.
Bottomline, I would go with what you feel is right. If you're feeling guilty for trying to change him that is a bit messed up, because say this guy does lose the weight, you finally hook up with him physically and then 6 months to a year down the line he gains all the weight back, what are you going to do at that point? Dump him cuz he's a fat ass again?
One of the options I could have done was made him my project like you did with your guy or just stayed friends with him and helped be his wardrobe advisor. In the end of my friendship with him I got rid of him because he ended up taking my friendship for granted.
Bottomline, I would go with what you feel is right. If you're feeling guilty for trying to change him that is a bit messed up, because say this guy does lose the weight, you finally hook up with him physically and then 6 months to a year down the line he gains all the weight back, what are you going to do at that point? Dump him cuz he's a fat ass again?
12-05-2005, 03:27 PM
#30
GEEZER
Originally Posted by BEETROOT
He's a gay homosexual.
12-05-2005, 03:36 PM
#32
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At the very least, you're giving him a chance because you see that he is a great guy and worth getting to know in many respects-regardless of what he looks like. So I don't think you are overly fixated on body type...but you may be projecting your goals (being physically fit and having a good focus on wellness) onto him. You may be wanting him to be more like you, as opposed to really appreciating him as a mate and companion for who he actually is. He has to want the weight loss and health improvement for himself in order for it to be sustainable-changing for someone else shows a level of insecurity that you will be dealing with throughout the rest of your relationship.
I think you realize that the relationship is simply not working, but you are afraid of the consequences of breaking it off. And don't feel guilty because your rationale is based on physical attraction-physical intimacy is a huge part of any romantic relationship. If it is missing, the rest of the relationship can be very unfulfilling.
I think you realize that the relationship is simply not working, but you are afraid of the consequences of breaking it off. And don't feel guilty because your rationale is based on physical attraction-physical intimacy is a huge part of any romantic relationship. If it is missing, the rest of the relationship can be very unfulfilling.
12-06-2005, 02:12 AM
#33
Registered Abuser of VTEC
Thread Starter
Originally Posted by PsychoInDenial
YoungTL, I'd say you 2 are better off being friends right now. I had a friend that liked me a lot and the whole time I was friends with him I knew deep down he wanted it to be more. But bottomline was I didn't find him attractive. He was too skinny for me and I didn't care for the way he dressed.
One of the options I could have done was made him my project like you did with your guy or just stayed friends with him and helped be his wardrobe advisor. In the end of my friendship with him I got rid of him because he ended up taking my friendship for granted.
Bottomline, I would go with what you feel is right. If you're feeling guilty for trying to change him that is a bit messed up, because say this guy does lose the weight, you finally hook up with him physically and then 6 months to a year down the line he gains all the weight back, what are you going to do at that point? Dump him cuz he's a fat ass again?
One of the options I could have done was made him my project like you did with your guy or just stayed friends with him and helped be his wardrobe advisor. In the end of my friendship with him I got rid of him because he ended up taking my friendship for granted.
Bottomline, I would go with what you feel is right. If you're feeling guilty for trying to change him that is a bit messed up, because say this guy does lose the weight, you finally hook up with him physically and then 6 months to a year down the line he gains all the weight back, what are you going to do at that point? Dump him cuz he's a fat ass again?
12-06-2005, 02:15 AM
#34
Registered Abuser of VTEC
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Originally Posted by ricecake
At the very least, you're giving him a chance because you see that he is a great guy and worth getting to know in many respects-regardless of what he looks like. So I don't think you are overly fixated on body type...but you may be projecting your goals (being physically fit and having a good focus on wellness) onto him. You may be wanting him to be more like you, as opposed to really appreciating him as a mate and companion for who he actually is. He has to want the weight loss and health improvement for himself in order for it to be sustainable-changing for someone else shows a level of insecurity that you will be dealing with throughout the rest of your relationship.
I think you realize that the relationship is simply not working, but you are afraid of the consequences of breaking it off. And don't feel guilty because your rationale is based on physical attraction-physical intimacy is a huge part of any romantic relationship. If it is missing, the rest of the relationship can be very unfulfilling.
I think you realize that the relationship is simply not working, but you are afraid of the consequences of breaking it off. And don't feel guilty because your rationale is based on physical attraction-physical intimacy is a huge part of any romantic relationship. If it is missing, the rest of the relationship can be very unfulfilling.
12-06-2005, 06:34 AM
#35
how handsome I am
Originally Posted by zeroday
ive been watching my gf gain weight steadily since i met her 
she was a size 0...now who knows.
she was a size 0...now who knows.
12-06-2005, 06:37 AM
#36
how handsome I am
Originally Posted by youngTL
I definitely feel less than satisfied. And this sounds stupid too, but the fact that my friends will tell me sincerely that I can do better doesn't help. I think I couldn't take it. They haven't even MET him because I'm ashamed. What kind of a relationship is that?
Hmm. I say keep it on trial for just a while longer, and if you see that he is really making the effort to keep losing this weight (and results are there) then keep it going.
If he starts slacking, then send him off.
12-08-2005, 03:12 AM
#38
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Okay, so he's done. I did it tonight. It was sort of hard on him, but we worked it out. It was a pretty clean break. I feel much better now.
12-08-2005, 07:51 AM
#39
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Originally Posted by youngTL
Okay, so he's done. I did it tonight. It was sort of hard on him, but we worked it out. It was a pretty clean break. I feel much better now.
12-08-2005, 08:24 AM
#40
GEEZER
I wish I was perfect.
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