bsomm22

I wrote a thread months back titled "Help with a complicated girl situation". I am kinda hurting right now and just need to vent.

My girlfriend of 6 years and i broke up back in April, and she immediately went with another guy. When we split up it was mutual and we both thought that we will someday end up together, but that we needed time apart because she was moving further away and we should both just do our own thing. There is no doubt in my mind that she had this other guy in mind when we broke up. Right now she is basically in a relationship with this other guy.

We went through alot together. We went to high school and college together, we've gone on vacations, etc. We talked about moving in togeter a few different times, but when she interviewed in my area she didnt get the job. I was with her family all the time and they loved me. We were practically married without the committment. I have been having a really hard time letting go of all that, because ultimately i do want to be with her forever and i still love her. She said that she does think that she wants the same thing.

But right now she said thinks that we should be apart for a while and that this is something that she needs to do, and that she does ultimately thing that things will be ok with us. She claimed that she was unhappy with our relationship because it was becoming "habit" and that the romance died, etc. It sounds to me like she was just politely telling me its over without actually coming out and saying it. She is kinda comparing her new and exciting relationship to the things that were lacking in our 6 year relationship. I dont think that is totally fair, because we did have something really special.

But i do think that she wants to get back together someday. She does still call me, we were like best friends. So i just dont know what i should do. Obviously i am going on with my life and trying to meet other girls. But my mind is mostly with her and i think about getting back together with her all the time. Actually she invited me to her apartment on Wed and we ended up being together. But she still would rather just have her own space for now. I said i wanted the same because i dont want to be with someone if they dont want to be with me. If we do ever get back together it has to happen naturally where we fall back in love. Has anyone ever gone through something like this with someone they love? I asked her if she thinks she is serious about this other guy, and she said that she isnt falling for him or anything. I think maybe she is confused. I need advice because i am miserable without her!! she was like my entire life, we were together all the time and i miss her alot!! I just hope this gets easier.

ding069

My girlfriend and i split up in april after 3.5 years and it was rough. She didn't immediately move on though. To be honest with you, i only regret dating her for so long. We talked the whole marriage thing, but how differnt would you be right now if she was never in your life. We dated through the end of highschool and almost 3 years of college. You would be a different person, as i know i changed for her, i am sure u did the same for your girl. I was bummed out about the whole thing for awhile and didn't even want to talk/see her. Recently, i have been dating this girl i have feelings for. Got my mind off the break up big time, and now i can talk to the ex again. She heard of me dating and prob got jealous so she calls me again. Moral of the story, i didn't want to hear it at first either "there are alot of fish in the sea, and your good bait". Find a new girl to help you get over it, it worked for me

Waddy

Time heals all wounds man. I had a girlfriend for 3.5 years between ages 16 and 20, we broke up and she immediately got involved with another dude and in fact she just broke up with him after over 5 years of them being togather.

I said the same things like you, "i could see myself with her again somewhere down the line", "When is it gonna stop hurting so much" etc. My Mom told me time heals all wounds, beleive it or not you will eventually get over her. But after such a long relationshsip she will never be completely gone no matter what, it's been almost 6 years, one 2 year relationship, and a whole lotta pussy since I broke up with Kayla in summer of 1999 and my heart still flutters a bit when I see her or talk to her. But it's no longer that deep cutting pain that I used to have.

Only thing I can tell you man is to get out there meet some chicks, get laid, and move on with your life in all other avenues (work, friends, hobbies, etc.), because the only thing that is gonna help you to feel better is time. Don;t dwell on her and your former relationship, concentrate on making sure you take care of yourself.

Good luck homie.

moonraker

ya sorry to hear about that man. girls who just immediately go onto another guy right after a relationship are biatches if i may say. makes ya feel like crap like they didnt even need time to "get over" you they just went straight to a new guy. but yea simply put time is the main ingredient to healing. in the mean time just live your life and keep yourself occupied so your mind wont be on her so much. just go out there and live everyday like its your last. thats so cliche and i hate the phrase but it really makes sense sometimes. live it up and goodluck

UNCTYPE-S

bro im looking at these 3 sentences u brought up.

it just doesnt make sense. it was mutual to seperate and do your own thing, but then u want to be with her forver and so does she? which is it?

so now ur broken up, she has a b/f, ur wandering the streets for other tail or your mind is on her, and she calls to come over for some and you said yes? your putting yourself in a tough position if ur going to give in to what she wants. right now im sure she would love to be with you intimately and just be friends, and by going over there and satisfying her needs is exactly what she wants.

and if she gets it now, she might figure she likes the situation of having u not as a boyfriend but still hooking up.

and did she cheat on this guy then? if so, wouldnt u be worried if she ever would cheat on you?

ding069

An ex asking for sex isn't always a bad thing. As long as it is communicated by both parties that it is something phsyical, not emotional

UNCTYPE-S

are u kidding me? it doesnt have to be decided what its going to be titled as. if she wants out, and he wants her back, and they hook up, whos gonna be the one depressed? Him, cause he is the one wanting her back while she is with another guy.

he is just walking into a death trap, and if continued to sleep with her, hes just going to get hurt, more then he is now.

its time to play a little reverse psychology. if she asks to come over, tell her no and say ur going to another girls house or somewhere out with a girl. then see how she reacts. will she be cool with it, or will she sound jelous. it wont matter cause u guys arent together anymore, but u can tell by a girls reaction how she feels.

bro, if ur going to be friends and still hit that shit, but wanna be with her still, ur just going to drive urself up a wall. shes leading you on.

go have some fun, talk with other girls, thats what shes doing (but with guys) so dont dwell on the past. if it was meant to be it will, give it time and have some fun meanwhile.

rezurex

i understand where you're at bsomm. I dated a girl for 3 years and she i was and still am convinced that that girl was my soul mate... we had so much in common and she was always there for me, even through some tough times. she died of leukemia two years ago, and i went into a deep depression for awhile... i thought that i wouldn't be able to find another relationship with a girl like the one i had with her.

Like Waddy says, time heals all things. i can't say that im over her, but i can say that i've dated other girls and i think that dwelling on one girl can only hold you down, especially if you can't be with her in the way that you want to. it seems that in your situation your ex wants to go off and find something different. perhaps its a good idea for you to do likewise.

whatever happens, it''ll all work out in the end. if u two are meant to be, then it'll happen sometime down the road. in the meanwhile... we're too young to dwell on specific women. its saturday night, better get your A game on and go hit some bars with the fellas that should get your mind off of things

good luck with everything.

UNCTYPE-S

exactly what i said and what i think

ViperrepiV

The "chase" always seems like a lot more fun than the consistent relationship, especially when its been so long. So it kind of makes sense that she would do this, even though she shouldn't, becuase its comparing two completely different things. It sounds like you had something really good, which is rare. Yeah sure, you can hook up with all the girls you want, but its not every day you find someone you can really be with for a long time. Unfortunately, she feels the need to feel the "chase" again, but odds are it won't work out long term with this guy. Then she'll remember how good it was with you, and who knows, she may want to get back togheter again.

There's only one problem with this: you can't bank on this happening. It sucks becuase really anythign could happen. The last thing you want to do is leave yourself open to getting hurt again. So in the meantime, just live your life, chase some other girls, and see what happens. This way, if she comes back, and you don't have anything special, you may get back together. If you do have something special, then you just stick with the new thing. If she doesnt come back, then, well, at least you didnt waste your time dwelling over her - you spent your time more productively. It kind of turns the balance of power from her hands to yours.

I know going out and hitting on other girls is hard. A little while back, my girlfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me, over the phone, long distance style, right before she had a flight to come see me (which she subsequently cancelled). It hurt, and i couldn't see the other girl for a year, but i tried to go on with my life and not dwell on it. It was tough, but it makes it easier in the end. She never did come back, and is still dating the guy she left me for. But now i have a much better relationship, so it was for the best in the end. And now i'm in danger of falling into a similar situation as you, so i gotta keep my guard up.

relationships are the best and worst things ever. good luck. go get drunk with friends, it helps

supermegaglossy

well, she probably has commitment-phobia right now. yes, girls do get that. perhaps because you guys dated for so long (6 years) she feels the need to get out there and explore different things before she is permanently tied down.

as for the romance dying... she is probably scared that if she got married to you, she'd be bored because it's monotonous and "routine"....... because we have all heard the rumors that married couples don't have sex. (imo, is a crock of shit... i'm having sex w/ my husband til we die!!)

while i'm sure there is a chance you may get back together and settle down, don't always bank on it. you may find someone better in the meantime...

somehow i don't feel like any of that made sense. don't worry, it's not the end of the world, but i hope it all works out for you

TypeSKid

go find someone better than her. There are too many girls out there to cry over 1.

[<3 my CL-S]

Damn, almost sounds like the same shit I've been/going through right now too. My relationship was about 3 1/2 years though. My girlfriend or ex (not too sure right now) wanted to go out and just "have fun." Another guy seemed to be in her mind while our realationship was pretty rocky towards the end. She never talked to him until after we officially broke up. This sucked ass cause she compared our relationship to the things that were so "exciting" to this new up and coming situation. IMO a long term committed realtionship and a new dating thing are two TOTALLY different worlds.
Now to the present day....She no longer talks to this guy (so she says) but i really think she doesnt...And she calls me, I go over her place, go out and pretty much do the samethings we did when in our realtionship. Except we're not "officially" together. SHe says we just take things slow and have the summer to work on things. This is now starting to get to me cause I kinda want to be back w/her and I think she kinda does too. I say kinda cause of all the things that was said about us and our relationship. Now I really dont give a shit about what others say but she does. And as I go over and we do things, I find myself saying, "what am i doing?" I love this girl like no other and I think I'm setting myself up for a major wreck!! I talk and go over and everything because I love her, but at the same time I still ahve my doubts that I'm a conveinenvce and jsut filling a void temporarly cause she knows she feels safe with me. Just be careful and have a backup plan for yourself ( not just girls, but your entire life). Dont know if my sitauation helps but sounds similar. All I'm doing is going along for the ride and seeing where it ends up. I have a plan in case things dont work out..and its not girl(s). Its a new life, new place to live, new school, new job. But thats me, in order to get over one like this, I'd have to get away from the life that I currently have and would have to see everyday. this way I get a fresh start and new life....

TypeSKid

You guys are falling into their control pattern. You need to work the relationship and control it the way you want to. You should be guiding things along to acheive the outcome that you want. When you aren't in control, you set yourself up for hurt or a billion other things that could go wrong.

evilstorm

you know all!

TLD

So she cheated on the new guy. Feeling good about that is only temporary. Forget about these little get togethers that make you feel good because you still got some after she hooked up with another guy. You need someone totally new and besides, why would you want to get some more from her when she's getting cock from someone else? You wanna catch some disease or something? Go get yourself a new girl and stop wishing for the past. It's time to move on.

bsomm22

That's what she has told me. After being with the same person for 6 years she wants to just chill out for a whill before really settling down forever. She claims that she thinks that we are meant to be together forever, but she just "has to do this" thing right now. I agreed with the time apart and I had the same mindset when we first broke up 5 months ago. I was interested in another girl and wanted a break from my girlfriend just like she wanted a break from me. We had been together we were 18 years old, which is almost all of our adult lives. So in a way it makes sense to just see what else is out there. I just wish there were some guarantees...

Since then i have lost interest in the other girl and am starting to miss my ex. She really is a good girl and she makes me happy. She said that she thinks everything will be fine wit us...but she wants to continue stay apart for a while. I hope she isnt falling for this other guy. I dont think so because she still calls me and we talk at least once or twice a week. She sid that he is just kinda there and it isnt too serious. Only time will tell what will happen...what i need right now is a nice chick who i makes me happy to be with.

bsomm22

I couldnt have put it better myself. You're right on with everything. Yes our relationship was becoming a habit and the passion and romance wasnt there like it once was. It was a little hard after 6 years but i should have kept her more satisfied physically and romantically. That is a lesson learned. But it was hard to do because my mind was with this other chick that i liked, so i let my current relationship slip away somewhat.

The problem is i know this other guy she is with likes her alot; he has liked her almost all his life. Her and I have talked about getting back together and that our relationship would be much better and stonger if we were to do it, and the romance would be there again. My life was in the "cruise control" and i didnt have the mindset to be prepared to really move on from my ex-gf. Recently we were even talking about marriage (even though we are not together, it was a friendly conversation), and she mentioned that my personality goes really well with hers, better then this other guy, and that she thinks everything will be OK. We have been through so much together and i never expected this to happen. We finally graduated college (Penn State) together, we both landed great jobs and bought new cars. I thought since we made it this far we were meant to be together and that we we someday get married. Its hard because she was like my bestfriend and girlfriend. We did everything together and I put so much of myself into just being with her (at least up until the end).

What damaged the relationship was the fact that she wanted to move in together and i was a little skeptical (because of the other girl i kinda had my doubts about the current girlfriend), so i kinda blew off the idea. About a year ago she wanted to move in with me and I DID want her to move in. She interviewed near my apartment but didnt get the job. So she stayed at her current job and continued to live at home. But the second time I had my eye on this other girl who lives near my apartment, so i wasnt sure if i wanted to burn that bridge. I didnt really show too much interest in the her idea. This didnt go over too well and she decided to get her own place with one of her girlfriends. I told her that after her first year lease is up that if we are still talking or we are together, that we should move in together. She liked this idea and she claims that she still thinks that we will end up living together...but right now she still just wants to have this fun away from each other.

It is kind of hard to find a chick right now. I mean i dont necessarily have a problem talking to girls, but finding a good one isnt so easy. Sometimes I think I am too picky, especially since I had a great girl for a long time. And I have kinda lost contact with most of my friends except for my 2 roommates, who dont really do too much anyway, so the opportunity to find chicks is pretty slim at the moment.

Jeez I am whining like a bitch. The next girl I see that I like I should just walk right up and introduce myself. I am sure things will work our one way or another and i'll meet someone special.

bsomm22

Actually I asked her if she wanted to see each other, and that i wanted to check out her new apartment. So she invited me up for the night. We didnt even plan on being together that night, but it just kinda happened. Our break up was mutual because i was interested in some chick that i work with, so i wanted to break up as well. Anyway, we both agreed that we should take a break from each other before we really settle down, move in together, etc. and that we are meant to be together forever.

A few weeks after we split up we both kinda confessed to each other that we were interested in someone else. We told each other in the same conversation on the phone one night. I asked her if she is serious about this guy and if she really wanted to pursue him, or whether it is just a fling. She said that he is just kinda there and has no intentions of it getting serious. I asked her if she would stop seeing him if I couldnt handle the situation at anytime (I asked her a few times), and she said that of course she would stop if i asked her. I told her the same about my chick and said that ultimately i want to be with her (my ex) forever.

Well here we are 5 months later and I kinda lost interest in that other chick that i liked, and i really am starting to miss what i had with my ex-gf. The problem is that now she isnt sure if she is ready to get back together just yet. She thinks that eventually we will, but that it will happen naturally if its supposed to happen, and that she she still wants to just chill out. The thing that bothers me now is that this other guy has obviously been laying it on my ex pretty thick, and I am a little worried that it is getting too serious to the point that it makes me uncomfortable. Guys can be very persuasive, and especially being in a "new and exciting" relationship, I hope she isnt falling in love. When she first started to hook up with this guy she flat out told him that she loves me and that she will always love me, but that she just wanted a break for now. Even right now she says that she still loves me and has feelings for me, and that she isnt falling for this other guy or anything. But at this point the longer she stays with this other dude the harder its gonna be for him to let go if/when she does want to get back together because he isnt going to want to just let her go. But i guess i should trust her when she says that she still hasnt lost sight of "us", and she wants me to just go have fun and enjoy being single while i still can. She said that "ignorance is bliss" and we shouldnt ask any questions about each other's dating life. Hopefully she is being sincere with me, which i think she is, and I hope that I didnt lose someone truly special or that she is really falling for him but is afraid to tell me.

By the way, does this entire situation that I am going through right now with my ex happen to other long term relationships? What i mean is could this really make our relatinoship that much stronger if/when we get back together? Or will it cause resentment? I'm still not so sure that "splitting up with someone you love because you just want to have some fun and experience something different before spend the rest of your life together with the same person" is normal or healthy. In a way we both had a fear of commitment. But i think i have pretty much made up my mind now, and i am worried that she isnt so sure about us.

ding069

Shit, reading this thread has just turned into a novel

UNCTYPE-S

thats just plain ridiculous man. your situation is very confusing to me and im not really making out where u stand with your ex. your both moving on with other people, but both love eachother, and both want to be together forever, but right now ur on a break to just have some space and be single until life is over when u get married? does that kind of sum things up?

i have experience in long term relationships, as i have had 2 already at the age of 22. all i can say is i wouldnt expect my ex to drop any guy she had if i felt uncomfortable, whether she still liked me or not, and i would never drop the girl i liked because my ex was depressed or pissed.

your single for a reason, and that is to be away from eachother and go out and experience maybe someone better that might come around.

i dont know what kind of system u guys run, and what i mean is like, ur broken up, but u still have guidelines. if that sounds right.

i just think that you shouldnt put her in the situation to where she has to worry about your feelings when she is with another guy. she is a big girl, im sure she can make decisions on her own, and realize what she is getting herself into.

i just feel sorry for the guy she is with if they have been together for a little bit and all of a sudded ur ex comes back. that guy is gonna feel "used". i would.

i dont know man, take it day by day, but dont let it get to you. life is too short to worry about 1 girl. if it works out in the end, awesome, but dont wait around for her if she is in on not wanting to be together.

bsomm22

Yeah you pretty much summed it up. The idea is that we both just wanted to make sure about being with each other forever. But I am worried that maybe deep down inside she might not want to ever come back. Maybe she is really falling for him or something, though she says she isnt. I just dont want to lose her and what we had together.

I asked her just randomly in conversations if she would stop. But this was in the beginning when we first split up, before her other situation got as serious as it is now. She didnt really plan on this happening. I wouldnt and still wont ask her to stop being with him just because it makes me feel uncomfortable. That isnt fair to her just like you said. But i am also trying to look out for our future. I guess if she decides to move on with him there isnt anything i can do about it. But that wouldnt be totally fair to me because nothing happened between us where we should part ways forever - we were happy for almost 6 years and i didnt cheat, we didnt get in a fight, etc...we just took a break. Next thing i know she's gone?

She does know what she is getting herself into, and I wouldnt want to be in that position. I specifically didnt lead this other girl the wrong way because deep down inside i know i aint serious about her. This guy has had a crush on her all his life so I am sure he is really trying to make her feel good and all. She told me that she has kept him very clear and that he is expecting her to end it anyday. But she also told me a few weeks ago that she isnt totally sure what she should do because she knows that he wont want to let go, and that she would have to do it slowly. But the longer it goes on the harder it will be. Maybe she is politely moving on with her life without actually coming out and telling me, so she doesnt burn that bridge.

Either way I am tired of thinking about it and I'm just gonna let things happen. I might see her tomorrow so maybe I'll see whats up. Thanks for the advice.

UNCTYPE-S

everyday that goes on not being together is another she can find someone else or build something stronger with this guy depending on her feelings for him.

the thing i dont understand is that u know deep down u wanna be with her forever, but it was a mutual break. you have to take advantage of this time and go out and meet new people. u could be sitting back thinking she will come to you in the near future, when she is actually moving on, but just doesnt wanna tell you straight up to make u depressed or disappointed, when that whole time you could be looking for someone else who wants to be with you and spend time with you.

im just looking at both sides here, i just wanna make you aware, which i know you are, the benefits, sacrifices, and risks that are taken in a situation, with the outcome unknown in your case.

it looks as though the basketball is in her court, so i would go out and have some fun in the meantime, and let her come back to you. but i necessarily wouldnt go over and see her. play some mind games with her. make her feel like that if she wants to see you and hang out together, that you guys have to be together to do things like that.

if she knows she can hang out with you and do some things u guys normally do as couples, then she will take that and run with it. its prob what she wants, and she figures,
"why should i still date him if i can do almost all the things with him right now as friends".

i wish you the best of luck, keep us updated, and if u need anything lemme know.

jim

CL FWD SPEED

this tread is awesome....sure beats TV drama

UNCTYPE-S

just tryin to help the guy out.

bsomm22

yeah I did write alot. actaully me and the ex are going to hang out tomorrow night. I actually asked to see her. We never really played the "i'll ignore you / hard to get" type of game. basically i want to see her to just remind her that i still have feelings for her and to let her know that someday in the future i would like to have the chance to get back what we once had together. Is that a bad move?

Part of her whole story for breaking up is that our relationship was habit and she was unhappy with me; and that i started to take her and the relationship for granted (which is true, i did) after 6 years. if we were to ever get back together that wouldnt happen again, and i just wanted to let her know that.

when we first split up she said that she really thinks we are meant to be together forever, but she just wants wo chill out before really settling down. but as time has gone on her attitude has changed and she has started digging deeper and deeper into our relationship and the "problems" that she had. she even went back to stuff from 3-4 years ago that happened. so i am worried that our chances of really getting together are slowly dwindling away as this other guy is, and will continue to, really make her happy. so i am at a disadvantage because she thinks that things will go back to our "routine" if we get together.

do i let it go or try to go after something that i really want? she was the most important thing in my life and the best thing that ever happened to me. im sure i would move on without her if i had to, but she isnt telling me that and she says that she still has feelings for me and that everything will be ok with us. this is a very confusing situation and i am not really sure how to deal with it, because part of me doesnt want to lose her, but i also DO want to just go out and meet some new chicks before i sign my life away to just one girl.

btw, thanks for the advice Jim.

rise

thats the truth right there.


another possibility is that she is probably (un)consciously manipulating/milking you and reaping the benefits so she wont have the guilty conscience. try and imagine the worst case scenario. you really cant hedge your bets on her coming back and believing that she didnt go out and fuck 30 other guys, but what if she did? would you still want to stay with her forever? that is a little extreme, but Im mostly refering to how you would feel if she did everything you loved to do with her, with the other guy.
furthermore, does she blame the whole "routine" and "habit" thing on you? it sounds like she makes it seem like the relationship failed because you failed to keep things interesting.
i agree with all the others who've said to go out and meet different girls. maybe then when you go out and date/screw 20 other women, you wont think of this one as so special anymore.

UNCTYPE-S

yes i believe it is because im sure she already knows how u feel, and by going over there, theirs a 99% chance your gonna hear the same things u have heard from her already.

im sure she will prob agree with what your going to tell her, but dont expect her to fall right into your arms for saying that ur gonna make it better for next time.


that right there should let u know that maybe u shouldnt be going over there let her know where u stand, or in my terms "begging". by going over there and seeing her as friends will just her you in the long run.

yes, not necessarily saying u should go out and look for another girl right off the bat. just chill out and if someone comes along, take it as that. if u purposely look for someone better, best chance is that will not happen.


dont expect her to tell you what u wanna hear. she might not wanna say alot just cause she doesnt wanna hurt you. you know her reasons for not wanting to be together, so like i said previously, the ball is in her court, let her come back to you. dont sit back for her, as u will be wasting your time and life on something that might never become of in the future.


dude i was in a 3 yr relationship recently, i was in the same boat, not because of the reasons our ex's gave, but because of what me and you are doing and have done. when we broke up i still hung out with her and talked to her on the phone. all her friends told her she was making a mistake, they were on my side, but she wouldnt give in. i have tried to talk to her about it, she listens, but nothing ever changed.

so time took its course and its now 4 months later or something like that, and i ask myself why i even wasted time hanging out with her and talking to her, as nothing positive came from it. we left on awesome terms, outside of the fact that she broke my friggin heart in a million pieces, but time heels all. i went out hung around with the guys, kept myself busy and away from her in most contacts, and now it doesnt even matter to me what happens in the future. was she a great girl? hell yes, but why try and stick around with a girl if she has hurt you once, she will hurt you again.

by going out i have talked to so many girls, learned their personalities and all i can say is theirs lots of intelligent, fun going, good looking girls out there. dont waste your time on this one, when all your gonna do is get hurt.