Doc Holiday

I was wondering, if it'd be worth tryin to date someone, who has a Heart Murmur(sp?)? This girl I'm talking to right now, I like alot and vice versa, get along great, and have hung out together in public holding hands and such.

Now when I mean worth it, I'm not saying if its worth spending my money and shit, not like that. The point I'm trying to make is on her behalf, of her heart. A friend of mine was telling me his mother had a heart murmur and she has had open heart surgery and such, not to mention she wasn't very mobile to move around. She is 19, looks in great shape, but gets chest pains every now and then, which she gets checked by the dr. regularly.

Have any of you folks, ever dated anyone with a heart murmur, or condition closely related to it, and if so, how was it? Was it worth sticking through, or would you just stay as friends...? Some tell me that I should follow my heart and go with it, while others have said that its not pretty to see the things they go through...

Thanks for the input...

Eggplant-EX

only you can answer that 1. My last g/f has M.S. but she showed no signs of it. In the end, when we broke up, I was kinda relieved. I did decide that I would have taken care of her had we been committed. That would be the decision you would have to decide. Would you be willing to care for her ?

Titand19

bad investment, call me an asshole if you want

spicoli

"she wasn't very mobile to move around"

what do you mean ?
sounds like something psychological, she should grow out of it. If you like each other - Go for it man

AS3.0CL

my brother has a heart murmer, and it doens't really affect him. but it all depends how bad it is. if she lives a healthy life she'll be alright and shouldn't really show sighns of having it.

crazymjb

So someday she gets a pacemaker. If you really have feelings for her this isn't likely to be something thats gonna leave you alone later in life.

Miraces2Much and FDL, you doctors have any input?

Mike

Doc Holiday

I was saying that in reference to what my friend was telling me about his mom. She is very mobile, leads a normal active lifestyle, maybe a lil too much if you ask me....

* Works 40 hours
* Taking 14 units in college
* Works like 2 - 4 days in teh gym

Eggplant, I honestly dont know if I could take care of her, seeing how she lives with her parents and such, but if I can help out where I can, I will. I've been talkin to her lately, and telling her how she needs to slow down, and enjoy her life because she has working more then what was recomended to her. Not only that, but she doesn't have time for her friends, let alone for me. I told her how those things will be there, but friends will be moving on and such, so she should spend more time wiith her friends and family....

teranfon

I'm not trying to sound abrasive or rude, but why the hell not?! If you enjoy spending time with her and find yourself becoming closer, then any ailment or "disadvantage" she may have shouldn't affect your feelings towards her. I'm sure that her being aware of her health and the realization that it may affect her in the future has made her a strong and zestful individual. Worrying about whether or not you have to take care of her in the future should be the last of your concerns, as it seems you are only in the beginning stages of a relationship. And if you find yourself with her in the future and you have to make a few changes to assist or help her then so be it.

Terry

ludachrisvt

iTrader: (2)

I'm not trying to be an asshole here but you sound like a rude, selfish prick. Who tells someone that is having NO trouble and is rumbling through life to slow down? Friends will be moving on? If they do then they are NOT friends. I'm thinking you just want to spend more time with this girl. People that are true are what will always be around. Being young and having time for work/school/gym is what becomes limted over time. Do not hamper someone else's progress so that you can be with them



P.S. Sorry I'm having a bad day

Pull_T

I may be reading it wrong, but it seems to me he was echoing another's advice on how much she should be working....presumably a doctor's.


As far as dating them/being with someone with a medical condition, the way I see it it everyone is fucked up in some ways...at least you know about it up front.

SwervinCL

I have a heart murmur.... Its never affected me asides for the chest pains which are few and far between.

fuzzy02CLS

iTrader: (2)

As long as she's not ugly! Health probelms & ugly just don't mix

phipark

Does she swallow?

whynot

Very appropriate

cibs

this might sound bad, but i think it depends on what the health problem is... people can live long fulfilling lives with heart murmurs,

i went on a few dates with this girl a few years ago that was just generally sick all the time, weak immune system or something i donno.. migranes all the time flu like 3 times a yr, etc... something ALL the time... that was a whole different story, she was really hot, but it sucked cuz she'd be sick every other week so you couldn't realy do anything, and also when I think about having kids with someone like that (scarey thought i know) but i wouldn't want to chance the fact that my kids would grow up with the same problems

maybe i'm a jerk, i donno but that's how i see it.. and also the caring for someone for years if they get really really sick down the road sucks... i mean if you love them then it's different, but i have a few friends who have had to care for their wives when they had cancer and stuff and it's SUCH a terrible thing to go through, i'd rather atleast try to avoid being in a situation like that because i know that i, personally, couldn't handle something like that very well...

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

100% agree. I think if it is non-life threatening, then go for it. Why not. If it's something that require monitoring and doctor visits, then it seems like a dumb reason not to get involved.

If she is terminal or will be in and out of the hospital, then it is a lot to have to deal with, especially if you haven't been with her for a while.

It really depends on the situation.

fla-tls

cibs, I don't think you're a jerk for wanting to be with someone healthy. Most animals on this planet compete for their mates. The healthiest mate, the weak ones don't. It may sound non-politically correct, but I think it's natural to want to pass your genes on with a healthy partner.

Having said that, you can't really help it if you feel for someone with health problems. Try your best to understand the condition and either accept it for what it is, or move on.

derrick

FYI: a heart murmur is a very generic term. For it to be meaningful (well, at least to me) ... you'll have to know what is causing the murmur. For instance, 10% of women have an irregularily called 'mitral valve prolapse' which can sometimes cause a murmur -- it's totally commonplace and no real cause for concern.

There are other conditions that require attention (ie surgery) so it all depends.

But doesn't it sound kind of shallow to not date someone due to medical history? Not to say I haven't done it myself ... but something to think about. There will be a point where you gotta draw the line ... (ie acne, scoliosis, vitiligo, etc)

EuRTSX

It really depends on how much you really love the person. How much you're willing to sacrifice your life for that one person, and how much time you'll invest with this person. With knowing that a person that you love has a certain condition, more responsibilities arise, and you need to know if you can handle those responsibilities.


Like I said. It all depends on how much you really love the person. If my girlfriend had cancer. I'd work 24 hour shifts and quit school just to take care of her.











I should really stop watching korean dramas. Go figure. :ghey:

fdl

I know someone with a heart murmur. In his case, its really no big deal and he is in 10 times better shape than me. (although thats not saying much )

fdl

I did stop dating a girl once because she had a goiter. She was on meds which controlled, it, but just the thought of it turned me off.

derrick

^ Goiter? That's because of a lack of thyroid hormone. Some Synthroid (aka levothyroxine) will fix that. That's the one of the most commonly prescribed medications in North America.

To some, the goiter might resemble an adam's apple ...

Doc Holiday

Well, just to CLARIFY on WHY I say that, is because her DOCTOR was suggesting to her that she needs to CUT back on her hours to the range of 30 or less. Not to mention, that she should NOT be doing physical things like working out and such, so I suggested to her to do yoga/pilates, where its still working the body, but not in such strenuous(sp?) ways... That is what she was telling me, and she doesn't know how to slow down, so that is why I was telling her and let her know to take it down a notch. No way in hell would I stop her from furthering herself, but if its gonna be to the point where it CAN affect her physical life, then I'd like to help prevent it before it gets to that stage, ya feel me on that? No hard feelings here, I've been on the other end of the spectrum (having a bad day), and I've done and said things I have regretted later on...

*Teranfron - I do see what your saying and will put that into consideration, and not let it effect me. Thanks.

*Pull T - yes your correct, it was from what her doctor was telling her that she was reiterating to me. And yes, I am glad to hear about it up front, rather then it be somesorta surprise to me.

*Fuzzy02CLS - I dont think she is ugly at all, but rather pretty cute. I will post a pic in a lil bit...

*Phipark - Honestly, I haven't even talked to her about that because we've been talking about anything and everything else, I haven't even had a need to find out what she does/doesn't do, and/or what she is willing to do behind closed doors. This is one girl I actually would like to date, rather then having a "special" buddy. I'm normally not like this, unless I find a girl who I actually have chemistry with, and she has been one of the VERY few(less then 3).

*RaviNJCLS - See, thats the thing where I dont know at this point. I DO know she has regular check ups and such, but whenever she has some chest pains, I dont know if it really is a major concern, or just something that medication can relieve.

*fla-tls - Like I said before, I haven't been able to hang out with her to COMPLETELY understand the situation, accept it, or move on.

*Derrick - You make a good point, and I will seek to find out exactly what is causing her heart murmur. I would really like to see where this leads, as opposed to not dating her, and having the "what if" thinking.

*EuRTSX - Haha, it has not progressed that far into a relationship to be at that point, let alone "date" each other. She has told me that she DOES like me and such, but hasn't given me a time in which she'd like to go to dinner, because I told her that we'll have dinner and such on her terms, since I'm like available whenever.

To the rest, please understand this is not something I'm just tryin to have a quick "hook up" or a fling. I've had my fair share of those, but I'd rather stay with one for a period of time, I really am intersested in this girl, and I do want to see where this leads, if she ends up breaking it off cuz she doesn't like something I do, or etc. At least I know where it ended and not worry about it anymore. Plus I've been taking my time with her, trying to talk to her as much as I can, and not even bringing up the sex topic and such, even though I joke around with her here and there, but nothing serious or press further upon that topic.

Doc Holiday

I'm not one to hold someone back, because they want to advance themselves, but if it does affect their physical(body wise) life, then shouldn't they take it down a notch or two? I would like to think so....

BTW, since I'm a firm beleiver of no pics = garbage, and to show that she is not bad looking at all, here it is...

The pic, it is WORK SAFE

Infamous425

cute girl

derrick

Cute. Looks latina.

ric

You know she has a heart murmer, and you know she seeks substantive health support for it, which means she is quite self-aware. Clearly, she has a difference of opinion with her physician about how to tend to her needs; he feels she should "back off" and she clearly derives some sense of comfort and self-worth from her workout regimen, etc... As is noted, a "heart murmer" is not very descriptive; there are a whole range of heart circumstances that can fall under that label.

Most folks, whether young or old, who have chronic health conditions, tend to become self-aware..... tend to have a slightly readjusted set of life priorities. Some stuff just doesn't matter, other stuff matters more.....They (we) tend to be more aware of what is going on in our bodies, which sometimes leads folks to believe that we are self-absorbed..... it usually isn't that, it is just an unusually high processing level about what is going on with our bodies.

i don't think you know enough yet to aussuage your feelings of anxiety. I'd sugged you do some research on the condition, it's minimal nature, its most extreme nature, and the correlate that abstract information with what you know about this lovely-looking young woman. If you start engaging more deeply on an emotional level with this woman without addressing your legitimate feelings of anxiety, then that anxiety will just eat away at you over weeks, months..... and become the "elephant in the middle of the living room....". Nothing addresses anxiety and fear more than information and knowledge. Even a half-hour websurfing might provide you with a wealth of information.

And, if you're going to engage in dating, in really connecting, then you might want to think about not just giving advice, but living it with her. Your suggestion of yoga/pilates is a good one - could you and she do a course/class together?

If, after you learn more about her condition, and you DON'T want to engage deeply with her, do so cleanly and without guilt. She doesn't need someone who is ambivalent in her life, it does her no good at all. .

I shifted from "her" to "we" because of my own circumstance...I was diagnosed with a rare genetic blood disorder about 16 years ago, and was given about 5 years max. My wife stood by me, and I set about revamping how I dealt with my body; regularized my exercise regimen, looked at diet, etc. About five years ago, my pancreas gave in, and I became a Type I diabetic, requiring insulin injections. Annoying as hell, and essential to sustain a careful regimen, a pain in the butt while traveling, etc. Obviously, neither condition has stopped me from living my life the way I damn well want to, and my wife and I have grown closer as a result of my own increased self-awareness. And, it gave me the coping tools to support her when she sustained a massive ruptured brain aneurysm about three years ago. (And for whatever it's worth, I had a heart murmer as a kid as a result of a prolapste mitral valve. Valve is still prolapses, murmer has gone away. It CAN be that minor.....)

Few of us get through life without some trials and tribulations in relation to our health, a third of us guys will sustain prostate cancer as we age..... for example. So, the question is really how you handle your feelings of risk, awareness and concern about a delightful-looking young woman who knows more about some aspects of her health rather earlier than most folks do........

Gpump

A heart murmur is a valve abnormality and those come in all different flavors. The important thing is functionality - ie, what can she do? If she gets short of breath after a flight of stairs, be wary. If she has pretty much no physical limitations then the murmur effectively only exists on paper and doesn't matter.

As for the heart surgery thing, if the valve deteriorates and she becomes more symptomatic, then yeah, surgery could be in the future but most people have excellent outcomes from those type of procedures - they just need to be on an anticoagulant (usually).

Bottom line, yes, she does have the potential to have more significant problems in the future, but I wouldn't let that stop you if you like her. I hear murmurs in over half the people I listen to, almost all are innocent. You might want to ask her what her condition is and we could give you a better answer.

SilviaGTO

my mom has a heart murmur and shes 50 and it hasn't affected her at all

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Cute girl.

I think you should talk to her and find out how serious her murmer is. We have all told you that it can vary. She's the onlu one that will be able to answer you questions.

agean

if you don't want to date her i'm sure there's a line of guys that would. she's cute.

it's not like she's got 6 months to live... don't sweat it.

Brandi

OK this is just my own opinion but anyone who wouldnt date someone just because of a health issue is an ass..
Nobody is ever guaranteed that your own health remains good everyday of your life..who knows if down the road your own health goes to the shits & nobody wants to date you because of your health problem!
People always think the dreaded What if I was this was me?

CUNextTuesday

I think her health should have absolutely nothing to do with what decision you make.

ericajackhannahjamie?

no, it does and it should be a consideration. You need to weight everything before getting into it. He cannot just jump into a relationship and not think her health condition is an issue, down the road what if he realizes he can't handle it? He'll break her heart and it'll be a bigger mess.

Gpump

I disagree - he's being practical is all. Not the most romantic approach to love/dating, but I don't think we can fault him for it.
Put it this way. We all drive cars - cars sometimes break over time and need to be fixed. That being said, I don't see too many of us here buying a car we know is already in need of potentially major repairs.

Like I said, not what the romantics want to hear, but that's how it is. I don't personally worry too much about heart murmurs, but we don't know what her condition is so all we can do is speculate.

CUNextTuesday

I'm a firm believer that if you really care about someone enough, nothing should stop you from being with them. People with health conditions and disabilities generally do not like being treated differently than anyone else.

cibs

I love all the idealists in this thread.... maybe i'm just too jaded, and while i do believe that if you're married to someone or you really do feel an AMAZING connection with someone and that person happens to have something wrong with their health you shouldn't ditch them for that reason alone, however many people will go the other way and favour the people with conditions because they have something etc...

just do what you wanna do man, you don't have to justify it to anyone other than yourself.

for example, (this actually just happened a few days ago) a buddy of mine really likes this girl who was about to break up with her b/f... ya ya homewrecker whatever, he genuinely liked her and her b/f was an ass to her... so anyways they were just being friends hanging out etc, she was 'about to break up with him' (who knows if she was for real) and then he got hit from behind playing hockey and ended up breaking his neck in 4 places.... now she's not breaking up with him and basically told my buddy to screw off...

now i understand most people will be like aww that's so sweet, but is she not treating this guy different now because of his accident?? (thank god he's not paralyzed or anything)

but over all i think just go with your gut feelings on things, don't worry about what other people think, cuz at the end of the day not having any regrets yourself is what's worth it the most... whether that means you marry her quick times cuz you think she might not live long, or you don't end up dating her cuz you think its' a bad idea...

ric

I would agree; he either needs to learn about what he might be dealing with and accept, even embrace it as part of the "package", or he needs to step out of her way before he deludes her into thinking he's real. Certainly there is no textbook answer.

DAROCK

Time For Sleeep

Unfortunately, this is somethign that I thought really hard about when I had pretty valid interest in a girl this past summer who happened to have a serious case of Lupus.

for whatever reason, I never actually moved on my interest, and I had to attend her funeral last month.

whatever you decide to do, make sure you don't regret it afterwards; but for a situation like this, it really seems to be a live in the moment kind of thing.