Active listening...
03-05-2008, 09:33 AM
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Active listening...
Do any of you have problems with active listening? I've found that this week inparticular, there have been a few times where my gf is talking....sometimes stuff about work and what happened in her day, and other times about regular stuff, and stuff that doesn't matter, and I find myslef tuning her out, putting the phone down for a bit to give my ear a rest.
I noticed it yesterday she was talking on and ON about something, that while important to her, not as important to me, although what she thinks and says and what happens in her day IS important, sometimes she just adds stuff that doesn't matter and I just want to say GET TO THE POINT!
So how to I become a better listener, or an active listener?
.
I noticed it yesterday she was talking on and ON about something, that while important to her, not as important to me, although what she thinks and says and what happens in her day IS important, sometimes she just adds stuff that doesn't matter and I just want to say GET TO THE POINT!
So how to I become a better listener, or an active listener?
Active listening - When interacting, people often are not listening attentively to one another. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next, (the latter case is particularly true in conflict situations or disagreements).
Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others. It focuses attention on the speaker. Suspending one’s own frame of reference and suspending judgment, are important in order to fully attend to the speaker
Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others. It focuses attention on the speaker. Suspending one’s own frame of reference and suspending judgment, are important in order to fully attend to the speaker
03-05-2008, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by FiftyFive
I think 90% of girls do that.
03-05-2008, 10:17 AM
#4
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Originally Posted by YoungCeo
If so, then I need to learn how to deal with it, cause last night I sucked at it...
03-05-2008, 11:09 AM
#6
Go Giants
People should speak in cliff notes....
03-05-2008, 11:31 AM
#7
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
When she is talking to me about shit I don't want to hear, I don't hear it! It grays out after awhile to like the sound the teacher makes on Charlie Brown cartoons...then when the sound stops, and I look at her, I say something like yeahhh, I know what you mean...then we just laugh...
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03-05-2008, 12:53 PM
#9
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Great question. I think a vast majory of men deal with this same issue, because it has to do with one of the fundamental ways men are wired different than women. I'm not big on recommending books, but "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" actually does a good job on this topic - both explaining the differences and offering tips. If you can get HER to read it too, it will really help because they she'll understand why it's very hard sometimes for men to hear, "blah blah blah blah <important thing> blah blah blah blah" and pick out the <important thing>. 
So having been at this for 20 years, here's what I've learned. Every relationship requires an investment of face-to-face time. In fact if you don't, that's when relationships head south. You'll hear people complain about not "communicating" in their relationship - well this is why. Even if you live under the same roof, you can go days without communicating. So understand that this kind of time is important to the health of your relationship. Maybe you're not being entertained by the conversation, but you're keeping the relationship healthy.
Also understand that *most* women I know need time to vent about things (this is one of the topics in the book I mentioned). The problem is that men go straight from hearing about problems to wanting to fix them. Resist all temptation to solve her problems. Just let her vent and get to the end. 9 times out of 10 when I let my wife get it off her chest, it's done and over with. She'll often tell me, "thanks for listening - I feel better". So these conversations are going to be a regular part of the relationship - accept it and let them happen.
So I can't tell you a whole lot about strategies to "fake interest". But keep in mind that a) time on the phone just listening is valuable to your relationship even if it's uninteresting and b) letting her vent uninterrupted is often times all that's needed to fix something. Just roll with it, change ears, set the phone down - won't tell you I've never done that but what needs to underly all of this is your affection for her, the fact that she knows it, and even though it's not entertaining 24/7, sometimes just "time in the chair listening" is the best thing.
Don't talk yourself into thinking it would be different with another woman - it won't. Good luck!
So having been at this for 20 years, here's what I've learned. Every relationship requires an investment of face-to-face time. In fact if you don't, that's when relationships head south. You'll hear people complain about not "communicating" in their relationship - well this is why. Even if you live under the same roof, you can go days without communicating. So understand that this kind of time is important to the health of your relationship. Maybe you're not being entertained by the conversation, but you're keeping the relationship healthy.
Also understand that *most* women I know need time to vent about things (this is one of the topics in the book I mentioned). The problem is that men go straight from hearing about problems to wanting to fix them. Resist all temptation to solve her problems. Just let her vent and get to the end. 9 times out of 10 when I let my wife get it off her chest, it's done and over with. She'll often tell me, "thanks for listening - I feel better". So these conversations are going to be a regular part of the relationship - accept it and let them happen.
So I can't tell you a whole lot about strategies to "fake interest". But keep in mind that a) time on the phone just listening is valuable to your relationship even if it's uninteresting and b) letting her vent uninterrupted is often times all that's needed to fix something. Just roll with it, change ears, set the phone down - won't tell you I've never done that
but what needs to underly all of this is your affection for her, the fact that she knows it, and even though it's not entertaining 24/7, sometimes just "time in the chair listening" is the best thing.Don't talk yourself into thinking it would be different with another woman - it won't.
Good luck!
Last edited by 1Louder; 03-05-2008 at 12:58 PM.
03-05-2008, 01:16 PM
#10
Engineer
i find myself doing it a lot... i have posted before while in that situation...
03-05-2008, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by 1Louder
Don't talk yourself into thinking it would be different with another woman - it won't. Good luck!
Good luck!
You're post was a great read....thanks!!!
03-05-2008, 04:04 PM
#13
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Originally Posted by YoungCeo
You're post was a great read....thanks!!!
03-05-2008, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by 1Louder
and (for me) my faith is a huge contributor. Wish you both the best -
I felt so bad cause I've done it like three or four times this week....but I need to listen too when she really needs me to.
03-05-2008, 05:17 PM
#15
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Originally Posted by YoungCeo
So how to I become a better listener, or an active listener?
.
.
How can she become a more passive talker?
03-05-2008, 10:37 PM
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As long as she thinks your listening, your ok.
Checklist to listen for:
Did someone die ?
Is she vomiting ?
A certain date to go to something?
How did I look in______ ?
Sex ?
The rest you can just let blow by... Sounds like she talks too much about nothing anyway... Stop acting interested and maybe she'll quit.
Checklist to listen for:
Did someone die ?
Is she vomiting ?
A certain date to go to something?
How did I look in______ ?
Sex ?
The rest you can just let blow by... Sounds like she talks too much about nothing anyway... Stop acting interested and maybe she'll quit.
03-06-2008, 08:35 AM
#19
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So...last night was about 45 minutes of her going on....but it was okay. I was trying to actually pay somewhat close attention, but after a while I just starting doing whatever....just acknowledge here and there, and let her go on. As was said earlier in the thread, when she was done...she was happy....she didn't say thank you for listening, but it was like I did my job as her sole listener of her daily whatever....her birthday is this weekend so I'm looking forward to seeing her....getting her a massage for her birthday....the therapist is actually coming to the hosue at 5pm on saturday, then I'll have a nice bath with this soap ball that goes in the tub, and has flowers in it and spells really nice....w/ candles.....then after that..... 
....I can't really afford a whole spa day, but with the massage and the tub w/ candles, hopefully it will be close....so she can be completely relaxed....
....I can't really afford a whole spa day, but with the massage and the tub w/ candles, hopefully it will be close....so she can be completely relaxed....
03-06-2008, 12:58 PM
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I notice my self putting her on speaker and leaving the cell next to me, continuing to do whatever. once i hear the "what do you think i should do?" I'll say something like "we'll i don't know, i would just let it go what do you think?" then she goes on for another 20 mins. Like RAV said you need to learn her "BUZZ" words and listen for them.
03-06-2008, 01:57 PM
#23
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Originally Posted by YoungCeo
So...last night was about 45 minutes of her going on....but it was okay. I was trying to actually pay somewhat close attention, but after a while I just starting doing whatever....just acknowledge here and there, and let her go on. As was said earlier in the thread, when she was done...she was happy....she didn't say thank you for listening, but it was like I did my job as her sole listener of her daily whatever....her birthday is this weekend so I'm looking forward to seeing her....getting her a massage for her birthday....the therapist is actually coming to the hosue at 5pm on saturday, then I'll have a nice bath with this soap ball that goes in the tub, and has flowers in it and spells really nice....w/ candles.....then after that..... ....I can't really afford a whole spa day, but with the massage and the tub w/ candles, hopefully it will be close....so she can be completely relaxed....
....I can't really afford a whole spa day, but with the massage and the tub w/ candles, hopefully it will be close....so she can be completely relaxed....
03-06-2008, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by vetalik
I'll say something like "we'll i don't know, i would just let it go what do you think?" then she goes on for another 20 mins.
Like RAV said you need to learn her "BUZZ" words and listen for them.
Like RAV said you need to learn her "BUZZ" words and listen for them.
03-06-2008, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by YoungCeo
LOL! I swear I did that last night....she was going on, and then ASKED for my opinion, and said literally 3 words, and then she went on for another X minutes...crazy but its true
i just got of the phone with the girl, i checked she talked for ten mins straight about school and how bs somethings are. She paused i said " oh man that must suck hope it works out" another 15 mins goes by she had to get off the phone to get to class....
03-06-2008, 06:58 PM
#26
Team Owner
Just nod your head, say uh huh, or yeah whenever there is a pause. Two weeks later when she claims you agreed to something just say you forgot. Works for me.
03-06-2008, 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted by doopstr
Just nod your head, say uh huh, or yeah whenever there is a pause. Two weeks later when she claims you agreed to something just say you forgot. Works for me.
I can see it now: "But you said that the $130,000 3 carat diamond was fine to go with the new Escalade I got for us yesterday, along with those 3 kids from Albania we are in the process of adopting!"
03-07-2008, 01:35 AM
#28
Oh Hullow
you need to get more comfortable with your girlfriend.... honestly i can say "i really dont care" not in a rude way or anything just in a very up front manner right when my gf is getting into a story that goes in a circle... she usually just laughs and moves on. lol... it sounds mean, but its really not so bad, and it sure as hell saves me precious minutes of my life. haha.
03-12-2008, 08:29 PM
#29
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Man, tonights a tough night. We usually text all day, and I didn't hear from her all afternoon. Then in the evening, she wanted to have some "downtime" so we didn't talk until 9...she's been babbling on since then and its almost 9:30 and I haven't said anything. I really don't want to be talking at all...she's going on and on and on not even involving me in the conversation...when we talked I needed to hear "I miss you and I love you" .... instead I'm hearing this long thing that normally, i could just use my techniques and deal with, but tonight I just dont care anything about whats she saying, and I can't fake it....
03-12-2008, 08:40 PM
#30
Sounds like you need to share your needs with her. Be careful though, she won't hear what you are trying to say and twist into something else, but be strong. Did you ever think that she drives these conversations because you have nothing to say? Speak up and see how it goes.
03-13-2008, 08:11 AM
#31
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Didn't end on the best possible notes...I let her say her piece and just started straighteneing up a bit....if/when I try to say anything, it feels as if I'm cutting her off, which isn't what I really want to do...I guess yesterday I just needed something else I didn't get...not really anyones fault just a fluke maybe...my the time she was done and asked me about my day, I was spent and just got off the phone b/c I didn't have any energy to say anything. that probably wasn't the best conclusion, but it was all I had to even listen to her for 40 minutes...
03-13-2008, 12:14 PM
#32
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
It's not a bad thing to talk to her about this. I'd definitely recommend something along the lines of, "You know, I want to hear about your day and what's going on, and I've tried over the past weeks to be a good listener and not interrupt, but sometimes I feel like I'm just sitting there silent for 30-40 minutes and can't get a word in without feeling like I'm interrupting. I feel like the conversations are one sided and it's a bit frustrating because there are important things going on with me and I don't seem to get the chance to tell you..."
I'd definitely focus on the conversation, NOT on her (i.e. the conversation is one sided, the conversation is not two way, etc. NOT you're talking my ear off...). Might help a bit if she just realized what she was doing. Do not, however, make her feel like what she was telling you was unimportant. Focus on the quantity (straight minutes of talking) and your lack of input. Good luck!
I'd definitely focus on the conversation, NOT on her (i.e. the conversation is one sided, the conversation is not two way, etc. NOT you're talking my ear off...). Might help a bit if she just realized what she was doing. Do not, however, make her feel like what she was telling you was unimportant. Focus on the quantity (straight minutes of talking) and your lack of input. Good luck!
03-13-2008, 04:35 PM
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Here's the series of texts:
me: Hey hows your day
her: Well I'm not at work so its great
me: I forgot you're not at work...enjoy your r and r
her: Yeah right such a thing is non existant in my life
(Thats the one that got me...last nights coversation was about how hard life is with her kid and work etc....same thing as usual, but just in a more concentrated form)
me:...I meant enjoy your time off from work....
her (no response)
me: what are you donig?
her: about to take (her daughter) to practice
me: what have you been doing since you got of off work?
(trying to establish why her attitude was as such about the day...I figured after she had a half day she could go home and relax...instead her response was as if she was SO busy....)
her (no response again)
me: Well, it seems as if you need space again today. maybe if you are up for it, we can call tonight for worship and prayer before you go to sleep. Will give you a call tonight.
her: (one hour later) no space needed...was getting _____ ready for her practice. Will have worship tonight
me: Hey hows your day
her: Well I'm not at work so its great
me: I forgot you're not at work...enjoy your r and r
her: Yeah right such a thing is non existant in my life
(Thats the one that got me...last nights coversation was about how hard life is with her kid and work etc....same thing as usual, but just in a more concentrated form)
me:...I meant enjoy your time off from work....
her (no response)
me: what are you donig?
her: about to take (her daughter) to practice
me: what have you been doing since you got of off work?
(trying to establish why her attitude was as such about the day...I figured after she had a half day she could go home and relax...instead her response was as if she was SO busy....)
her (no response again)
me: Well, it seems as if you need space again today. maybe if you are up for it, we can call tonight for worship and prayer before you go to sleep. Will give you a call tonight.
her: (one hour later) no space needed...was getting _____ ready for her practice. Will have worship tonight
Last edited by YoungCeo; 03-13-2008 at 04:40 PM.
03-13-2008, 06:30 PM
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this girl sounds like my mom.. yack yack.. i do the same as you.. give my ear a rest.. roll my eyes at the phone..lol
then when i get there to pick up my lil.. hoping she doesnt' start again.. but she does.. then it's really hard to pay attntion
then when i get there to pick up my lil.. hoping she doesnt' start again.. but she does.. then it's really hard to pay attntion
03-16-2008, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by 1Louder
Great question. I think a vast majory of men deal with this same issue, because it has to do with one of the fundamental ways men are wired different than women. I'm not big on recommending books, but "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" actually does a good job on this topic - both explaining the differences and offering tips. If you can get HER to read it too, it will really help because they she'll understand why it's very hard sometimes for men to hear, "blah blah blah blah <important thing> blah blah blah blah" and pick out the <important thing>.
So having been at this for 20 years, here's what I've learned. Every relationship requires an investment of face-to-face time. In fact if you don't, that's when relationships head south. You'll hear people complain about not "communicating" in their relationship - well this is why. Even if you live under the same roof, you can go days without communicating. So understand that this kind of time is important to the health of your relationship. Maybe you're not being entertained by the conversation, but you're keeping the relationship healthy.
Also understand that *most* women I know need time to vent about things (this is one of the topics in the book I mentioned). The problem is that men go straight from hearing about problems to wanting to fix them. Resist all temptation to solve her problems. Just let her vent and get to the end. 9 times out of 10 when I let my wife get it off her chest, it's done and over with. She'll often tell me, "thanks for listening - I feel better". So these conversations are going to be a regular part of the relationship - accept it and let them happen.
So I can't tell you a whole lot about strategies to "fake interest". But keep in mind that a) time on the phone just listening is valuable to your relationship even if it's uninteresting and b) letting her vent uninterrupted is often times all that's needed to fix something. Just roll with it, change ears, set the phone down - won't tell you I've never done that but what needs to underly all of this is your affection for her, the fact that she knows it, and even though it's not entertaining 24/7, sometimes just "time in the chair listening" is the best thing.
Don't talk yourself into thinking it would be different with another woman - it won't. Good luck!
So having been at this for 20 years, here's what I've learned. Every relationship requires an investment of face-to-face time. In fact if you don't, that's when relationships head south. You'll hear people complain about not "communicating" in their relationship - well this is why. Even if you live under the same roof, you can go days without communicating. So understand that this kind of time is important to the health of your relationship. Maybe you're not being entertained by the conversation, but you're keeping the relationship healthy.
Also understand that *most* women I know need time to vent about things (this is one of the topics in the book I mentioned). The problem is that men go straight from hearing about problems to wanting to fix them. Resist all temptation to solve her problems. Just let her vent and get to the end. 9 times out of 10 when I let my wife get it off her chest, it's done and over with. She'll often tell me, "thanks for listening - I feel better". So these conversations are going to be a regular part of the relationship - accept it and let them happen.
So I can't tell you a whole lot about strategies to "fake interest". But keep in mind that a) time on the phone just listening is valuable to your relationship even if it's uninteresting and b) letting her vent uninterrupted is often times all that's needed to fix something. Just roll with it, change ears, set the phone down - won't tell you I've never done that
but what needs to underly all of this is your affection for her, the fact that she knows it, and even though it's not entertaining 24/7, sometimes just "time in the chair listening" is the best thing.Don't talk yourself into thinking it would be different with another woman - it won't.
Good luck!
It all hit the fan tonight. Long story short, I thought I was being a good listener by listening to the story for a half-hour and giving the best advice I could give, and it ended with me being the bad guy pretty much, being told how selfish I am, and that I'm not a good listener 
So basically I feel worthless now but tomorrow is a new day and it's probably better in the long run, since I'll know what not to do next time. (That and it's easier to sit and listen and nod your head than to actually talk).
03-17-2008, 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Mike 350Z
Maaaaaan I read this last week and thought I had it absorbed, but I guess not. It all hit the fan tonight. Long story short, I thought I was being a good listener by listening to the story for a half-hour and giving the best advice I could give, and it ended with me being the bad guy pretty much, being told how selfish I am, and that I'm not a good listener
So basically I feel worthless now but tomorrow is a new day and it's probably better in the long run, since I'll know what not to do next time. (That and it's easier to sit and listen and nod your head than to actually talk).
It all hit the fan tonight. Long story short, I thought I was being a good listener by listening to the story for a half-hour and giving the best advice I could give, and it ended with me being the bad guy pretty much, being told how selfish I am, and that I'm not a good listener So basically I feel worthless now but tomorrow is a new day and it's probably better in the long run, since I'll know what not to do next time. (That and it's easier to sit and listen and nod your head than to actually talk).
Can you explain? What happened? What was the conversation about? What did you do wrong?