The Gamble
07-27-2004, 02:46 PM
#1
Interesting. Interesting.
Thread Starter
The Gamble
So I was set to drive my wife’s car today (’01 Jetta VR6) instead of my beloved ’04 TL. She needed an emissions test and I promised to do it for her.
I had a bunch of errands to run, so I started pretty early – around 8 AM. I know rush hour sucks in the DC area, but I decided to brave it so that I could finish my errands early in the day.
So, I took a big swig of coffee and headed out. As I left the house, I noticed a slight gurgling feeling in my stomach. I briefly considered going to the bathroom before I left, but I figured I was pretty safe as my usual BM hits around noon.
I got in the Jetta, noted once again how bland it felt compared to my TL, and headed off. I was driving around the beltway and ran into a ton of traffic at the I-270 spur. As soon as I realized that I’d be sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for a while, my stomach started to rumble again. This time it was more worrisome because I felt a tinge in the old poop chute. I began to curse the coffee I guzzled.
I tried a few different body positions, but my intestine continued to percolate.
I did what I usually try to do in this type of situation: think of something else. So I turned up the radio and listened to Howard Stern. I started having some pretty bad cramps. I figured that, instead of trying to think about something else, maybe I should try to think of nothing at all. So I went to Plan B: turn off the radio and try to think of a blank, white sheet of paper.
Intestinal festering did not cease. At this point, I started getting nervous. The road was packed with cars, we weren’t moving very fast, there was no exit for quite a while anyway, and (worse yet) no area on the shoulder to “hide” whilest doing the deed. This was the stuff nightmares are made of.
Now I was starting to panic. The cramps were worse, and every 30 seconds or so I’d really have to tense up to keep the lump in my intestine from traveling south. My forehead started to sweat and I felt a hotflash coming on.
Still not much movement in traffic. Still no exits. Still no good shoulder hiding place. I thought maybe if I turned the A/C way up, it would having a “freezing” effect on my new nemesis and slow the potential mudslide to a crawl, allowing me time to find a gas station or at least a good wooded area. The A/C felt good for about two seconds until I realized that the shivering of my body was not allowing me to fully concentrate my muscles on keeping the backdoor shut. I backed off on the A/C.
I was in a full panic at this point, knowing that the end may be nigh. My mind darted through all of the options this car gave me. Did I have a plastic bag anywhere? No. I had an empty 20 oz bottle of lime Diet Coke in the cupholder – but the hole at the top was too small. Perhaps I could gnaw through the midsection of the bottle to create a bigger opening? Don’t be an idiot. Maybe I could just use my shoe as a receptacle and then drive straight home? I didn’t think I could pull that off – this was bound to be too messy to fit in a shoe.
At this point I did what any reasonable person would do. I prayed to God. Now I realize that God has much to pay attention to: giving life to embryos, tending to the sick and hungry, ensuring that certain religious athletes perform well in big games, etc. However, at this point I selfishly wanted God to focus all his attention on ensuring that I did not have to drive home wallowing in my own filth.
There was one last option. The Gamble. You see, there was an outside chance that this lump getting ever closer to my sphincter was (mostly) gas. If I took The Gamble and won, I would at least be awarded several more minutes to find someplace to finish it off. But, a loss is a big loss.
After about 10 more seconds I decided to take The Gamble. I took a deep breath. I felt like Thelma and Louise when they finally decided to drive off the cliff. Except I’m a guy. And I was in the car alone.
I took the Gamble. And lost.
I had a bunch of errands to run, so I started pretty early – around 8 AM. I know rush hour sucks in the DC area, but I decided to brave it so that I could finish my errands early in the day.
So, I took a big swig of coffee and headed out. As I left the house, I noticed a slight gurgling feeling in my stomach. I briefly considered going to the bathroom before I left, but I figured I was pretty safe as my usual BM hits around noon.
I got in the Jetta, noted once again how bland it felt compared to my TL, and headed off. I was driving around the beltway and ran into a ton of traffic at the I-270 spur. As soon as I realized that I’d be sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for a while, my stomach started to rumble again. This time it was more worrisome because I felt a tinge in the old poop chute. I began to curse the coffee I guzzled.
I tried a few different body positions, but my intestine continued to percolate.
I did what I usually try to do in this type of situation: think of something else. So I turned up the radio and listened to Howard Stern. I started having some pretty bad cramps. I figured that, instead of trying to think about something else, maybe I should try to think of nothing at all. So I went to Plan B: turn off the radio and try to think of a blank, white sheet of paper.
Intestinal festering did not cease. At this point, I started getting nervous. The road was packed with cars, we weren’t moving very fast, there was no exit for quite a while anyway, and (worse yet) no area on the shoulder to “hide” whilest doing the deed. This was the stuff nightmares are made of.
Now I was starting to panic. The cramps were worse, and every 30 seconds or so I’d really have to tense up to keep the lump in my intestine from traveling south. My forehead started to sweat and I felt a hotflash coming on.
Still not much movement in traffic. Still no exits. Still no good shoulder hiding place. I thought maybe if I turned the A/C way up, it would having a “freezing” effect on my new nemesis and slow the potential mudslide to a crawl, allowing me time to find a gas station or at least a good wooded area. The A/C felt good for about two seconds until I realized that the shivering of my body was not allowing me to fully concentrate my muscles on keeping the backdoor shut. I backed off on the A/C.
I was in a full panic at this point, knowing that the end may be nigh. My mind darted through all of the options this car gave me. Did I have a plastic bag anywhere? No. I had an empty 20 oz bottle of lime Diet Coke in the cupholder – but the hole at the top was too small. Perhaps I could gnaw through the midsection of the bottle to create a bigger opening? Don’t be an idiot. Maybe I could just use my shoe as a receptacle and then drive straight home? I didn’t think I could pull that off – this was bound to be too messy to fit in a shoe.
At this point I did what any reasonable person would do. I prayed to God. Now I realize that God has much to pay attention to: giving life to embryos, tending to the sick and hungry, ensuring that certain religious athletes perform well in big games, etc. However, at this point I selfishly wanted God to focus all his attention on ensuring that I did not have to drive home wallowing in my own filth.
There was one last option. The Gamble. You see, there was an outside chance that this lump getting ever closer to my sphincter was (mostly) gas. If I took The Gamble and won, I would at least be awarded several more minutes to find someplace to finish it off. But, a loss is a big loss.
After about 10 more seconds I decided to take The Gamble. I took a deep breath. I felt like Thelma and Louise when they finally decided to drive off the cliff. Except I’m a guy. And I was in the car alone.
I took the Gamble. And lost.
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07-27-2004, 03:14 PM
#8
is learning to moonwalk i
Look on the bright side... you were in the the Jetta and NOT in the TL 
This reminds me of another story that was sent around via e-mail several years ago. That one was a little more vivid in description, which I'm not entirely sure was a good thing. For your pride's and wife's car's sake, I hope this was just an amusing story you made up. If not, at least the rest of us got a good laugh out of it.
Edit: Damn.. beaten to the "bright side".. need to learn to speed read.
This reminds me of another story that was sent around via e-mail several years ago. That one was a little more vivid in description, which I'm not entirely sure was a good thing. For your pride's and wife's car's sake, I hope this was just an amusing story you made up. If not, at least the rest of us got a good laugh out of it.
Edit: Damn.. beaten to the "bright side".. need to learn to speed read.
07-27-2004, 03:15 PM
#9
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I am reading this at StarBucks...and just started laughing out loud. People looking at me like I am crazy 
LOLOLOL
If I am not mistaken we have all been there...so far I have not lost. And hopefully don't plan to.
AND IT IS NOT LIKE I HAVE BEEN THERE MANY TIMES......no more than 2 times...
How many of you guys have fought this battle. I am just curious....This is the funniest shit I have read, but it is very true. I think we should start are pole.
LOLOLOL If I am not mistaken we have all been there...so far I have not lost. And hopefully don't plan to.
AND IT IS NOT LIKE I HAVE BEEN THERE MANY TIMES......no more than 2 times...
How many of you guys have fought this battle. I am just curious....This is the funniest shit I have read, but it is very true. I think we should start are pole.
07-27-2004, 03:22 PM
#12
is learning to moonwalk i
Not to hijack this thread, but here is the other story I was referring to.
Plus you still get a point for this story.
07-27-2004, 03:34 PM
#14
never stops!
You need to learn some tricks on how to sidetrack the lump and make a way to the thrust. I'll send couple of tips your way.
Rep points for you, for not gambling in TL.
Rep points for you, for not gambling in TL.
07-27-2004, 07:13 PM
#26
Drifting
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:shit: That was funny!! Are you a writer, pretty profess. Your 1st mistake was listening to howard, You know as well as I he loves his fart sound effects. Then he also likes to explain his shitting ritual. My question is, I bet if it was your car, you would have not sprayed it, but because its the wifes you said what the hell, is this true. by the way where did you wing your shorts? :shit:
07-27-2004, 09:31 PM
#28
The cause of your intestinal distress was driving a POS VW. Fecalicious cars engender defecation urgency and ultimately lead to fecal incontinance. If you continue to drive it will undoubtedly lead to encopressis. Avoid driving VW, BMWS and other German and european coprolphilic vehicles and your episode will not recur. Please post your health insurance info so I can bill your company for this internet consult! 
07-27-2004, 09:49 PM
#29
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Originally Posted by vtechbrain
The cause of your intestinal distress was driving a POS VW. Fecalicious cars engender defecation urgency and ultimately lead to fecal incontinance. If you continue to drive it will undoubtedly lead to encopressis. Avoid driving VW, BMWS and other German and european coprolphilic vehicles and your episode will not recur. Please post your health insurance info so I can bill your company for this internet consult!
Yep, definitely points awarded for this one! 
07-29-2004, 08:54 AM
#37
Interesting. Interesting.
Thread Starter
The only way this could have been worse is if there were another person in the car.
Has anyone ever been out with a bunch of friends and been stuck someplace having to hold back a motherlode of 'rhea?
That's how I know if someone is truely a friend: I can just say "Listen, I have to go pee out of my ass." without being embarrased.
This happens to me a lot. So much so that as soon as I enter a public area, I start scanning for the can. I know the location of all the bathrooms in my grocery store, movie theatre, and shopping mall. I'm constantly calculating in real-time which bathroom is the closest from where I'm standing. I almost never get out of a restaurant without "marking my territory" in the little hombre's room.
I wish the TL's Navi had a "find nearest crapper" command.
Has anyone ever been out with a bunch of friends and been stuck someplace having to hold back a motherlode of 'rhea?
That's how I know if someone is truely a friend: I can just say "Listen, I have to go pee out of my ass." without being embarrased.
This happens to me a lot. So much so that as soon as I enter a public area, I start scanning for the can. I know the location of all the bathrooms in my grocery store, movie theatre, and shopping mall. I'm constantly calculating in real-time which bathroom is the closest from where I'm standing. I almost never get out of a restaurant without "marking my territory" in the little hombre's room.
I wish the TL's Navi had a "find nearest crapper" command.
08-10-2004, 03:55 PM
#38
is learning to moonwalk i
As luck would have it, I had a very close call last week on the drive from San Diego back to North Orange County. Traffic sucked and the exits were few and far between. Barely made it to an Islands restaurant with no more than a few seconds to spare before the surge of liquid was expelled. My gf was with me (in the car, not the bathroom) and was very sympathetic even though she calls my car the bitch/mistress. She somewhat understands my love for the car, but gets a little jealous some times. Just to even things out a little bit, I took her backpacking and made her crap in the woods 
08-10-2004, 09:39 PM
#39
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all this reminds me of the scene in the 1st american pie movie, where dude was givin the laxitive & went to dump his 1st load ever @ school in the girls room. He tried to hold it because of intruders, but couldn't & just fuckin exploded. I never laughed so hard in my life. That was definatley a movie classic. Everyone know the scene I'm refering to?
08-10-2004, 09:40 PM
#40
What your problem is?
Originally Posted by seattle dale
all this reminds me of the scene in the 1st american pie movie, where dude was givin the laxitive & went to dump his 1st load ever @ school in the girls room. He tried to hold it because of intruders, but couldn't & just fuckin exploded. I never laughed so hard in my life. That was definatley a movie classic. Everyone know the scene I'm refering to?
