n3o

iTrader: (2)

I'm going to tell you a story. Its about how I decided to be stupid and make poor automotive decisions, enjoy.


Chapter 1 - First Mistakes

Once upon a Time I had a 2004 Satin Silver TL Sport. It was a great car, it would make great noises when you stepped on the loud pedal, it looked great when you walked away and turn around to look at it and lock it, and it was a comfortable, sensible, and practical daily driver.





I liked this car very, very much, but as the miles went up I began getting this notion that once the car had 100k it would be seen as worthless when I went to resell it, so in mid 2011 I frantically began looking for a replacement and eventually sold it.

Chapter 2 - Why was I so stupid

Enter the first pile of sh..I mean first dip into German superiority, the B5 S4.



Covered in retina searing Laser Red, this fine example of Germanys late 90's sophisticated technology had only covered about 110,000 miles when she came into my possession. The car came equipped with the famous 2.7L Twin Turbo V6 that everyone has come to know for making some serious power through OEM upgrades should the owner find their way into some extra cash through stealing enough of those Ronald McDonald's Children coin collection boxes when they go in to buy dinner for their family of four because they can no longer afford to eat anything thats not part of the Value menu because maintaining a 12 year old Audi is about as expensive as Charlie Sheen's coke habit.

Now while they can make a ton of power, these car are known for needing quite the many maintenance items in the early 100,000 miles notably being the Clutch, Timing belt, and Turbos. The book time for turbocharger replacements is TWENTY TWO hours….yes 22. Clearly I felt like I was in the clear for a while since my vehicle came with receipts for new Turbochargers, clutch, timing belt, motor mounts, and a few other costly odds and ends all having been done in the previous 10,000 miles so I was making a smart choice by picking this baby up. I wouldn't need to do a damn thing other than mat the throttle and enjoy some good ol' fashioned turbocharged fun.

Well that all about lasted for 3 months until the second gear shift collar decided it wanted to have a sleep over with the shavings magnet at the other end of the transmission casing.

Chapter 3 - Fucking Cherry!

So the S4 was broken, and I needed a car. I should buy something reliable, that will be super low maintenance and cheap to fix should it break!



Now I should probably mention that I had owned a 5spd Jetta GL before buying this GLI and the idea of a 16v with the short ratio 2Y transmission really excited me. The car was described to me as being "Fucking cherry" without a spot of rust. YOLO.

First impressions were that driving a car designed in 1985 at 75mph on the highway with a "close ratio transmission" resulted in what can only be described as D-Generation X running a train through my ear. The German engineers at Volkswagen found it best to have the engine sit at around 4,300 rpms at 75. The fact that it had a 2.5" stainless Borla catback only made it worse, but that was only the beginning of my very intelligent daily driver purchasing decision.

It became apparent to me that I had made a really good choice in buying that car after I got inside my car to go to work one day and noticed the entire floor was completely soaked..awesome.

Some photos of the "Fucking Cherry" rustless car.







So it had a little bit of rust, big deal! Its an old Volkswagen its bound to happen. I just kept pilling on stupid statements over stupid statements. It wasn't until every ground in the car would begin horrifically smoking worse than a New Ferrari after I tried to start it one day. Luckily by that time the broken S4 was fixed so I sold this toilet aaaaaand...

Chapter 4 - I'm still fucking stupid

So the S4 was back and I didn't want to drive it. Every time I looked at it I became terrified that it would pop on two wheels and piss oil on me like Herbie, or the trunk would pop and a little german gnome would jump out wearing lederhosen screaming at me for not drinking Heineken while yodeling the Ricola jingle and start chasing me with a piece of kielbasa.

r

Over the few more months I had it I got a bit more confidence in the car and began pushing it. I will admit the powertrain gave the impression that the car pulled like a freight train as soon as the walnut sized turbos finished spooling. It even made a pretty cool noise too, but it was all downhill after I pushed it into a corner and the car proceeded to understeer so bad it nearly went into the curb on the other side of the corner. The veteran engineers behind this project must of forgotten that corners exist when the put the ENTIRE MOTOR in front of the front axle line, but hey mistakes happen…right? After that little fiasco, and finding out that my car had a few more aftermarket options besides the mid life crisis TSW Nogaro's on it (like hot glued fog light housings, or poorly sanded/painted quarter panels) the opportunity to sell this car couldn't have come any sooner and I pulled my emergency chute to safety.

Chapter 5 - Third times a Charm

Due to my lack of navigating skills, I unfortunately ended up guiding my emergency chute to another fine German automobile. In all honesty this car wasn't all that bad to me, but I did find some pretty serious rust after I bought it. 6 months after I sold it the k frame broke in half from the amount of rust it had on it buried under inches of sludge from the decades of OEM oil leaks supplied by VW.



Chapter 6 - A Glimmer of Hope

About a month before I sold the Jetta I took a trip to Spain to walk a pilgrimage across the country. It really impacted me on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level but walking 500 miles across a beautiful country ending up in the 3rd holiest place on the planet will kind of do that to you. Its the same pilgrimage that Martin Sheen walks in the film The Way. Now this doesn't sound like its related to my story, but I promise it is just stick with me here.

Over the course of my 33 days walking I saw some of the most beautiful natural sights that I had ever seen.














I had a lot of time to myself on my trip, and a lot of time to think. I kept having this reoccurring day dream as I walked along where I was in a 5spd LS400 drifting around this local Taco Bell everyone hangs out at like a total fuqboi badass. For the first time in my life I turned a dream into a reality. So I sold the Jetta and bought an LS400.

Enter the Skidsteak, my first Japanese vehicle after almost 2 years of making poor financial decisions!!!!



Plus this and about 8 months time



equal'd a whole lot of this







Chapter 7 - Some Things Never Change

So I had a new theory this time. I'm going to buy a BRITISH car. Its not German so clearly it won't be comprised of stupid overly complex things and it will be fun and nice.



Man I love this car, and man I hate this car. I can't say I regret it because its the reason I met my girlfriend, but I can say that I'm sick and tired of working on it, oh and that I couldn't of been more naive in my earlier statement. The goddamn calipers say BMW right on them. Brake pads with sensors in them, motor mounts with reverse torx bolts, unexplainable check engine lights, or my favorite ridiculous stupid german wiring where the trunk pops every time you turn your headlights on because the battery is on its way out. I'm sorry, but I don't see a reason why car should burn 3 quarts of oil in an oil change interval and that be considered 100% within spec. Fuck you BMW.



Along the way I decided to pick up a daily driver project since I wanted to try and make the Mini more of a weekend/track car. What would be the stupid decision at this point? Yeah another Volkswagen. This time it would be different, this time I would change everything first. I can't really tell you what draws me to these cars, maybe its the fact that they resemble a 1st generation Lego car, maybe its the fact that they're just so cheap to buy parts for, but I love(d) them.

Before:



After:




This thing was supposed to be bulletproof. I did a low mileage ABA swap (MK3 Jetta 2.0), close ratio GLI trans with a diesel 5th gear, regasketed the entire motor, new clutch, changed every single front end bushing and suspension component, new coilovers, MK3 Jetta seats, etc. Thing drove amazing, it was peppy, it ran at 3k at 70mph on the highway, and it was comfortable. I loved this car, I wanted to keep it forever as a beater all up until the day it started jumping timing. I'd reset it, it'd jump. I changed the crank gear, it broke the next one. Apparently this was news to me and all my very big VW friends, but the ABA has a small issue. The keyway on the crankshaft is, you guessed it, POORLY ENGINEERED, so once its marred in anyway it will continuously shear the woodruf key off the crank gear. The solution? DRILL A FUCKING HOLE INTO THE CRANK. Like I wish I could make this shit up, but it happens to 1.8T's, certain TDI's, and the ABA. What the actual fuck.

Here is the $160 repair kit if you're incapable of buying a $6 cobalt drill bit and doing it yourself.

1.8T 20V Timing Belt Gear Dowel Pin Kit FOR TDI CRANK



Fuck this, I'm done.

Chapter 8 - Redemption

So to end my rant on how big of a pile of shit German automobiles are I will share with you why I'm here. I'm a homeowner now so I need to stop being stupid, and start making smart decisions.

I bought this on Friday. It needs some TLC, but its mostly all there. Its exactly what I wanted, in the exact color I wanted. Funny enough I looked at this car in 2011 when I was going to get rid of my TL. It had 29,000 miles on it but was way out of my price range. The guy who bought it back then sold it to me and he's maintained it pretty regularly. He's a member on here too and almost bought my J-pipe in my part out haha. But I digress, here you go.





I will make a progress thread for it soon, and you can all follow the progress there on my quest to get it back to its glory. I will not make the same mistake again, I won't sell the best car I ever owned over stupid reasons. 500k or bust.

The End.


P.S. German cars are fucking trash.

P.P.S. I still have the Lexus because its the most awesome thing I've ever owned. Ive since sold the Jetta, selling the Mini, and from this point will only ever own Japanese products.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

That's quite a rant! Congrats on the new TL! Great color!

oneglory

Ha.

truonghthe

Welcome back to te family, espcially mrp family. As far as german cars you should know better. "German engineering" it's mean tooks 5 years to develop but last for only 3 years. BMW, Audi and Mercedes are fun to drive when they still in warranty, once the warranty ended you are asking quadruple digit on the bills every time the car visit stealership. Byw take more pics of the tl.

Jakes_tl

I am not a fan of german cars because they are a pain to work on and very expensive to maintain and for that reason I refuse to own any.

Does your TL have the 04-07 STI rims on it?

brian6speed

iTrader: (5)

German cars aren't the problem, your decision making is.

You have probably gone through more cars in 1 year than I have my entire life and I am 6 years older.

truonghthe

OP btw any chance your type s is 6spd with ebony silver interior, car has over 100k miles? I think i know the previous owner his user name is geek some thing. I saw that car in person back in 2013 during a meet.

CLtotheTL32

iTrader: (3)

Damn, one hell of a trip back to a TL. Welcome back!

Jakes_tl

So you sold a TL with under 100K miles because you were afraid of it losing resale value and bought a S4 with 110k miles?

I would understand if you did the opposite but I guess you really wanted an S4.

triax37

iTrader: (1)

Would you (or the OP) please clarify this comment? Outside of the obvious need for Torx tools, and odd placement of items like the battery or starter, etc, I've started to do a little work on a friend's 2003 BMW 330ci and it's been ok. Not as easy as the TL, but still ok. But, we've only done simple things on the edges (brakes, etc.) and haven't gone deep into the engine...

Thanks! Oh, and OP - nice rant! My parents still have a 1990 LS400 - that v8 is a beast!

N1h1l1ty

So the real lesson here isn't that German cars are giant pieces of shit, its that buying an LS400 and turning it into a drift missile is how you get closer to god/satan/the flying spaghetti monster

DarkTower19

Dude, nice write up...and welcome back!

justnspace

iTrader: (1)

wow! cool shit on the LS400!!!!

erdoc48

That was hilarious (your comments)- your original 04 looks like it was a really nice ride. Sorry about all the issues with the VWs, the Mini, and the Audi, but I guess the only thing I couldn't fathom is why you kept buying them (the VWs).

Anyway, best of luck with (what I assume is) the Type-S. I'm sure it'll go more miles than all of the other German cars you had and then some. My 06 is at 108K and I have no intent to sell. It'll continue to depreciate no doubt, but if I can keep it running for the next 10+ years, it'll be all those years of no car payment. I have no doubt it's up to the task.

By the way, love the LS with the 5 speed- I had no idea they were made that way. What are the 2 stainless steel lines near the shifter?

rockyfeller

iTrader: (6)

First thing, let me say, wow you CAN write! Perhaps you already have your dream job; but if you ever wanted to be a automotive journalist, trust me, you'd be better than the majority of them. I bet most people wouldn't read or pay attention to the details but for those of us who do; truly an entertaining read.

Yea as mentioned above, it makes no sense you were worried about an Acura hitting 100k and turned around and bought an Audi with 100k+ on it? Haha. Clearly an emotional decision. And you seem to have a thing with those Jettas. I really liked them in the 90s. I wouldn't dream of getting a 30yr old one now though.

But that manual LS400? Haha, wow. I never heard of such a thing! You deserve special recognition on that one! You're a true car buff man, enjoy the Type-S, welcome back.

N1h1l1ty

Just read your epic 5-speed swap thread on clublexus - man, that is a cool LS400

n3o

iTrader: (2)

Thank you sir. I completely agree, with the way german cars are these days I would never own a newer one out of warranty…ever.

I love the stylings, but at this point thats it.

And yes, it has 05-07 STi BBS's. Previous owner had the center bores enlarged to be able to accommodate the Honda center bore size. They actually don't look too bad on the car. They were his winter wheel setup.

Yeah, I'll call it a 50/50 on the blame game. I am half at fault for yearning to slit my wrists with torx drivers, and the German engineers are at fault for the other half for making a product that is only over engineered 3%. I allowed my emotions to continue me down a path of poor financial decisions instead of listening to the voice of wisdom. That said, I've had my license since 2006 and in that time have had 15 registered cars, 1 project DSM that I never finished and 2 MK2 parts cars. The vehicle I have owned the longest though has been my Honda Ruckus .

That is correct. He's a Connecticut resident, his name is Ted. Very very cool guy.

Thanks .

I know it sounds stupid, and yes part of it was that I wanted one since my friend had a blue one and I absolutely loved the appealing simple design of it. Being that it was already so old the car had already lost the majority of its depreciation so at $7,500 for a car with all of its service having been done I thought it was a good buy. Even at that point 180,000 mile silver S4's were going for $5,000. The rarer colors on those cars significantly effect the price, as does the production date. It was an early build so it had some desirable components that the later ones did not such as aluminum front upper knuckles, and the better ECU.

Its been my experience that aside from just Torx bits the german cars need many more specialty tools than the Japanese competitors. This coupled with everything having to be removed to do even the simplest jobs makes it for a pain in the ass ownership experience. Few snippets which I found very stupid;

-Brake pads on the Mini CLIP onto the caliper piston. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

-VW/Audi/BMW think you are deaf and you won't hear an annoying metal on metal screeching noise from a simple brake pad wear indicator so they decided it was best to install a 1 time use sensor so that a light on your dashboard goes on to let you know you need brakes. Stupid.

-The B5 S4 uses THREE brake pads on the front calipers. lolwut?

-BMW thought it would be a really good idea when they engineered the new Mini Cooper S's to attach the water pump to the other side of the supercharger since the serpentine belt was spinning the supercharger, they could put a small gear on the other side of the housing to spin the water pump. Ingenious right? Yeah all up until the seal fails and all the oil leaks into the intake track and the gears eat each other and your water pump stops spinning and your motor seized. The fix? A new 1,300 dollar supercharger.

-Are you familiar with the B6 S4? Its the 2004-2008 V8 Audi S4. Well when the cars start getting into the higher mileage range they can develop timing chain rattle. If that happens Audi advises you to REPLACE THE ENGINE. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

Don't believe me?

Here?s Why The V8 Audi S4 Is An Awful Used Car

:beer:

Thanks

Thanks guy

There is something oddly appealing to me about the MK2 Jettas. I think it has something to do with the fact that they share the aerodynamic properties with that of a mason brick.

And thats my goal for the TLS. Pay it off in less than 2 years and never replace it ever again.

As for the 5spd LS400's, they never came 5spd. I bought the car bone stock and did a 5spd conversion. It was a nice project as I learned to do a lot of things, mainly welding.

As for those lines, they're the hydraulic lines for the hydraulic handbrake.



Haha thank you sir. I thought about it once, but felt like my capacity for the use of the english language wasn't up to snuff, though a gig on Jalopnik or TTAC would be pretty cool. They should just let me be the resident angry guy who hates everything that isn't a Honda.

For those of you that like the LS and are the bored at work type, heres the build thread if you fancy.


One thing I forgot to add in to Chapter 6, while I was day dreaming about sliding a slab of Filet Mignon around Taco Bell and being the ultimate fuqboi I had Kickstart My Heart on eternal loop. I couldn't tell you why but it just was, so this was the moment that my dream finally came a reality, minus the Taco Bell parking lot.


Project AARP Casino Cruiser - LS400 5spd drift car build - Club Lexus Forums

truonghthe

Yup that is the guy, i met him and couple more people back in 2013 and i believe the car came from acura of berlin.

TacoBello

Awesome write up. Simply awesome!

N1h1l1ty

Seeing that land yacht drifting is glorious - makes me want one haha

20TwozZZZzz

lol

NBP04TL4ME

Wow- nice write up and rant! Quite the journey from TL to TL-S. I had the same journey, but I skipped all the German cars in between as others have said I would never own a German marque out of warranty.

guitarplayer16

iTrader: (8)

welcome back, your SSM was one of my favourites

TLin401

Wow. That was an awesome read

Steven Bell

iTrader: (2)

Wow, that was quite a read....

hddnav

I wouldn't own any German car out of warranty (German cars are great for leasing), but I see that part of the problem is that you repeatedly bought used cars made by the same lowest-rung German automaker (VW/Audi). VW's are really made to appeal to those who esteem to German superiority, but can't afford to pay the price (the people who go "ohhh, see how solid these doors sound on this Teutonic Jetta econobox, compared to these 'Jap' rice mobiles with their tinny doors").

I had a Jetta VR6, which I consider to be the greatest piece of turd I've ever owned. It's funny that when you speak with one of these VW sympathizers, they repeatedly brought up the fact the all the bad design and problems are due to the Jetta being assembled in Mexico, as if this is the reason why pushing on the trunk release more than 3 times in a row will cause the fuse to blow. Or how the windows repeatedly fall inside the door, warranty repair after warranty repair. Or how coolant mysteriously disappears every 1500 miles.

All it took to cure me of any desire to own anything German was my stint with my VW. Never again...

aboysua6

Not only "the Article" is awesome, but the you tube vid....LMAO Love how he turns on some tunes in the middle of his formation preparing for the next turn!...

n3o

iTrader: (2)

You'll enjoy this one then hah.

myron

iTrader: (4)

So I just googled LS manual swap and the first thread that came up is yours: Project Skidsteak: LS400 5spd swap - Lextreme: Lexus-Toyota V8 Forum

haha

96SC4

love threads like this! great job...

i had an SC400, and regrettably sold it...
would love to have another and do a W58 swap

RU_JELLY

iTrader: (1)

awesome write up! and btw love the color on the new TL

6MTSSR

German cars are P.O.S's....lol...I say that everytime I hear this v8 at full song.

n3o

iTrader: (2)

That thing is pretty sweet!

6MTSSR

thanks!

Undying Dreams

iTrader: (3)

Holy crap haha, quite an adventure.

And I really only had one moment. You said the TL was coming up on 100k miles but you turned around and bought a 100k+ mile AUDI. Like, what?!

Steven Bell

iTrader: (2)

Just the maintenance costs on German cars will drive you crazy....

MAS

iTrader: (3)

Wow, thanks for confirming what I've always thought about European cars. I'll never say never but I hope I can stay away from them forever. My wife has a C230 which had been great to us but I think we just got lucky.

Honda, Nissan, Toyota (or derivatives of).......the best options available.

6MTSSR

You have a Benz..a c230 which is basically a entry level Mercedes,NO AIRMATIC NO V12 ENGINE.They are good vehicles.My experience with Mercedes and ive owned a few,is to buy one without high priced innovations IE, Airmatic suspension..v12 bi turbos..etc.The mid range are the best cars Amg C-classes,E classes.Get a PPI AND Maintenance records,if not don't buy.

2012wagon

On th tl forum ,

There are guys with 3,4,5,6 transmission replacements on the sAMe car !

I wonder what they think of Japanese reliability

Steven Bell

iTrader: (2)

^^^ I see your shift key is not working properly......