Waddy

It's going to be 2 years this April.

It's really nothing in particular that she did, she is a wonderful person, she is all about me, I trust her completely and the sex is the best I have EVER had.

But I am gonna be 26 this year and I feel like if I am in a relationship with a girl that long at this stage in my life I need to be thinking of her as a potential wife. And unfortunately for her that's where she comes up kind of short. So basically I feel like it's time to shit or get of the pot, and I know I don't want to shit so that leaves me with only one option.

My problem is how do I do this without completely devastating and blindsiding this girl. I mean she is totally in love with me and I am like the central figure in her life (coincidentally this is one of the things that is scaring me away). I mean just how do you handle breaking up in a situation like this?

Gilgamesh

Have one of your boys seduce her, then break up with her for cheating on you....you buddy gets laid, and you come out smelling like a rose.

Seriously, how do you think you will feel a few weeks/months down the road, will there be a sense of loss on your part or not?

Waddy

Yeah there will be a sense of loss, I care about her alot and I definitely don't think that I am making the 100% right decision if/when I break up with her. There are so many things about her I fear I may never find in another girl.

But on the other hand there are things about her that I don't care for, and I don't want to spend 5 years with somebody and then break it off just before we get married because she hasn't addressed those things that I don't like and/or I haven't learned to live with the things I don't like. Because then I'll have wasted the last 3 years of my life.

Know what I mean .

ge1stn

have u talked to her about the things that she does that u dont like. IF THINGS DONT CHANGE AFTER THAT THEN I WOULD LEAVE

amisconception

Bang her mom.

Sarlacc

Take a second and think.

You don't think this works both ways? As someone else said, talk to her, address them. but be prepared to hear some from her in return. part of a relationship is compromise and open communication.

amisconception

And freaky sex.

Sarlacc

freaky sex is the other 75% after compromise and communication

acura1983

honey im :ultraghey: :ultraghey:

Chinisimo

tell her that she turned you gay

Scooter

put the dick down!!!

SilviaGTO

what kind of things dont make her wife material.. what kind of things are bothering you.

you reallyu need to talk to her before you devestate her horribly.

GeishaGirl

I agree with the others that you should talk to her. NOthing is worse than having something like that come out of no where. My bf of a year and a half did that crap to me a few months ago. I was devastated...but the worst thing about it was that I didn't really feel that there was a valid reason for why it happened. The communication part fell short when it came to our parting. Just make sure she understands your reasoning, even if it will be hard for her or she may not agree. Good luck.

dallison

be prepared to have her bring up your faults or dislikes. girls don't forget.

if there is something that she really does that bugs the piss out of you and she knows it, tell her it is something that really bugs you and it is tough to deal with. if it is something that makes being with her unbearable, tell her. if she really loves ya she will help make that change

believe me, be open it usually works out if the other person is willing to change

ge1stn

DITTO

Waddy

Some of the things are things that annoy me that she could change or work or whatever. But there are also things that I feel will only change with time, and I just feel like I would not be fair to myself or her for that matter, to hold and see how things work out.

GeishaGirl you say that the worst thing was that there was no valid reason, but just the fact that he felt it was time to move on is a valid enough reason. I mean thats where I am at right now, she didn't cheat on me, she didn't do some horrible thing, it's just that more and more I have been feeling like I don't want to be in a relationship.

I feel like at this stage in my life if I am with a girl for this long I should be starting to think marriage, and everytime I ask myself that question with this girl I come up with a no. I guess I just feel like I shouldn't stay with her just for having a relationship sake, you know?

1killercls

WTF is "Wrong" with her? What makes her "Not Marriage Material"?

Casper98CL

I think that would do the trick!!!

SilviaGTO

you already said youre not 100% sure.
you just are feeling like youre trapped right now.

youre going to leave her, break her heart, and realize down the road that its really hard to find a good woman.. and youre going to want her back, and shes not going to want to go through the heartache.

take some time apart from her and see how you feel, before you totally crush her.

and i dont know how she is as far as temper or revenge.. but you know the old saying.. nothing like a woman scorned..

1killercls

GeishaGirl

yeah? and wtf is the reason for that? I think if you want out fine, but at least give the girl some reason as to why you're about to break her heart. I don't think that its a valid reason, I think its pussy to just tell someone that you are leaving and thats that. and btw, I never said that the reason was he just felt it was time to move on. I can see how that was implied, but I don't know of the reason behind his departure. I dont even think that he knows, or bothered to try and find out. I would have appreciated if he had told me that I wouldn't have made a good mother, I wasn't the woman of his dreams, I didn't give enough head, I sucked in bed...etc, instead of just pussying out of the relationship.

All I was trying to tell you was that if you're going to do it, let the girl know why. If she isn't wifey material spit it out so she can take it like a man and move on. Don't just leave her wondering what she did wrong. I did everything for my X, gave him everything, materially and emotionally and he STILL hit the fucking road. I don't want to make the same mistake with this new guy I am with, but its hard to try not to make the mistake when I don't know what it was in the first place. Just keep the lines of communication open, thats all I'm saying. I hope that you find what you are looking for in life.

soopa

personally man. i think you are being VERY rational and mature.

you are doing the adult thing and making the right decision.


were you to stay with this girl you would end up either married and divorced... or very miserable for the rest of your life.


unfortunately tho, i am not sure how to approach this situation other than to just plan for making the right time to talk to her.

the best approach would be to be honest, straight forward. obviously first reactions will be unpleasant... and htis is the hardest way to do this... but ultimately she will respect you for it and hopefully you will be able to walk away clean with a lifelong friend.


kudos to you tho for being man enough to know when to walk away.

Repo1234

Look man, all you need to tell here is right here. You already wrote it down. Just go up to her and be 100% honest. Tell her how you feel, mention the things you wrote down here and thats it! If she's a mature woman she will understand and probably be crushed either way. There is no simple way around it. But just be upfront with her and avoid any type of games. Tell her that you need some time to reflect on things and that you need this time to gather yourself. I'm sure she will understand. Then when you've had time to think just go back to her and let her know what you decided on. It's that simple. Honesty is the best policy!

Waddy

Thanks for all the brutally honest advice and the kind words guys.

I will take the advice about remaining honest and upr front, and not to play any games. Not that I had planned to do otherwise in the first place, but I guess I was just hoping someone would have the magic advice to make this whole thing easier. But break-ups are hard, and there is no easy way to do it.

I'll post in this thread once the deed has been done.

CLPowersWife

One thing to think about before you do it though...

People are people. I had some second thoughts about my boyfriend in the last year or so, and it wasn't because of anything he'd done or any lack of love on my part, but little stupid things that bugged me (arguments about housework, money, etc). Then I talked to a few people and found out that EVERYONE has those little arguments. Nobody is 100% blissfully happy all the time. So I had to ask myself: will I be better off without him than with him? And for ME, that answer was no. For YOU, it sounds like the answer is yes.

I agree with soopa though; it sounds like you're being totally rational. The reasons you stated are reasons enough. Of course she'll have a bad time of it, but isn't it better for you to break it off now rather than waste 15 years of your life trying to make a marriage work?

Gilgamesh

Good luck, and yes honesty is best, I'd rather someone tell me and make me feel like shit than to catch them with someone else or something...it may suck to see her cry (I know I hated it when I made one of my g/f's cry) but its much better in the long run...but do it in a private place, and do it face to face for sure...no phone shit.

lou_RENAMED

Waddy I was in this predicament about four years ago. I was also in a relationship that was pretty much great sex and she put up with my shit. I cared for her put I knew I would never marry her. It was actually my brother-in-law that opened my eyes to what I was doing to her and myself. I dated her for 2 years and her parents were already hinting of marriage but I never took it that way...till it dawned on me that the longer I wait the harder it will be.

My suggestion is start spending less time with her. Get a part time job or take a class that gives you the excuse. This will give her time to re-adjust to not having you around and will help you also. Best case scenario she finds somebody else to fill that void and she breaks it off. If she doesn break it off use the school or job as an excuse that your very stressed and she is not helping. Now keep in mind you cant be banging her as often also cause that will be leading her on...slowly ween her off and she'll get the hint. At first she'll try to do things to make you care but act like it doesnt even phase you and she will notice the difference. Girls can tell when you dont want anything to do with them most of them will get the hint and move on.

remember one thing the relationship has to end up bad or else it doesnt end .

Waddy

Wow this pretty much sums it up right here...............thank you.

bimmer88

i think yer 100% right in what you're doing... marriage is a serious thing.... if you yourself even realizes that she is not the one, then obviously she is not the one... don't force yourself into something that'll end in divorce... anyways... don't listen to me... the alcohol is kicking in

darrinb

any new news??

jtothees

I just broke up with my girlfriend of two years for pretty much the same reasons you listed about breaking up with yours....i loved her so much she didnt do anything wrong..its just that i am 18 and not looking to be in such a serious relationship...i broke it to her and she was very very upset...but understood...

if she truly loves you she will understand..just be honest and comfort her and salvage a great friendship

ironchef10

I like Lou's idea the best. Break it off slowly...give adjustment time. Always better on the feelings. Just my

Waddy

Man I don't know this so hard, I keep looking at her and knowing that she is completely clueless as to what is going inside of me. I don't know if I can do it. I had a talk with my older brother over the weekend and I am not so sure that I can or should be doing this now. Pretty much everybody who knows her and knows me said the same thing:

"Man I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, that's a hard choice you have to make"

I don't know man, I am confused..................

red30cl

I think that if you love her and would marry her eventually and the only thing holding you back are some things she does or doesn't do you should tell her how you feel about those things. That takes some of the weight off your shoulders because it puts the ball in her court and makes her realize that she has some control of the situation. She can decide to make a commitment to the relationship by making some changes or decide that you're asking to much and maybe she wouldn't be happy with you either.

I'm getting married in 6 months.....6 months... geez. I dated my fiancee for 5 years and i'll be the first to tell you that i don't have all the answers and that i haven't always done the right thing. But if i have learned one thing, it's that it's best to talk about things, especially something as important as your situation.

Sidenote- most of the time when i dreaded talking to her about something that i thought would be horrible, she was more understanding that i could have imagined. If you truly love each other, don't underestimate her willingness to make it work.

blackmagiCL_S

Any chance that she feels the same way? Waiting?

If not, then here is my crazy idea...

Tell her "I'm not that serious. Either we move on or slow this sh!t down".

A couple of simple questions...after you have COOLED down:
Do you like this girl?
Is she someone that you want to call tonight?
Is she someone that you parents know?
Did you like her enough that you told her some secrets?

If you said "yes" to any of those then you need to let her down easy....
If this is the case then let me know and i'll come up with more excuses.

I always found that "I am not so sure that we should keep seeing each other" worked.

Waddy

Yes to all 4 questions.

I have been saying I love you for over a year now, I said it tonight as a matter of fact. All my family and friends nknow her and like her. She pretty much knows everything about me, all my secrets and all my stories bad or good.


I feel like such a damn bastard, I just don't know how to approach this. I just can't bring myself to break her heart.........

blackmagiCL_S

Well it sounded stupid when I wrote it but I dated someone for almost 3 years and SHE thought that it wasn't public, so I never know and I don't like to judge other relationships.In my case people knew but the realtionship (3 yrs???WTF) was supposed to be secret at work(....yeah....right!) Sorry to make you upset when I posted that. I'd rather start from that side and get teased.

A funny thing that I saw tonight in American Splendor was when he said that "I'm sorry, my Dad would never given my hand to you". It was funny. With your girl, find something IMPORTANT that has been rubbing the wrong way. Saying, I am sorry but I always wanted a dog and you hate them or perhaps, I always wanted to travel or camp....

Dunno man...If you want the option to be open then be careful...otherwise say "b-bye".

SilviaGTO

why dont you just try taking a break from her?

Waddy

Either way its gonna break her heart.

As far as taking a break, a friend of mine put it to me this way:

If we take a break and she goes and bangs some othe guy how open would I be to taking her back? Not very open. So I either to stay in it, or make a clean break and go our separate ways. When you take a "break" all that does is build up resentment between the two of you for what you were doing during the break.

I just don't know what to do, I want out but yet I don't want to break her heart and I constantly doubt my desire to break-up with her. If I am to be honest, right now I feel less inclined to break up with her than I did when I started this thread, but in a week that may change, my emotions are just on a roller coaster right now and she doesn't even know it.

BTW, blackmagic:

I was upset man, was just answering your questions like you asked. beleive me I am open to all criticism and advice right now. As long as it's constructive.

Waddy

Oh man I just fucked up big time............

I left my Outlook open on my computer this morning before I went to work. In my e-mail is correspondence with my best friend about whether or not I should break up with my girlfriend.

Just before I left this morning I opened up an excel spreadsheet with a list of things we for a camping trip we are supposed to be leaving for tonight so that she could write some of them down and get them while I am at work.

I just came home logged onto my computer and excel is closed and so is my Outlook. There was one e-mail that clearly says in the subject "How do I break-up with Nicole". And in the e-mail i clearly state that I want to break up with her I just don't know to do it.

I just called her cell..............no answer................oh shit. I am not sure she saw the e-mail, I think she would have called me immediately at work if she did, but she could also be prepping herself to have a talk with me later today...........oh man. She left all her stuff at my apartment though....man i don't know I am sweating right now.

I didn't want to do it like this, i definitely didn;t want to do it before the camping trip