gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

OK, I need some help. My wife doesn't trust me. Now before you all think that I am cheating on her and blah, blah, blah, none of that is happening. I love my wife and trust her with my life...


My wife is a Naval nurse currently deployed in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for the next 5 months. We talk to each other almost every day. Every month we sit down and go over our budget together. For one of our budgeted items (student loans), my wife had budgeted $124 for that item every month (based on a minimum payment of $123.07 to be exact). I don't like making the minimum payments, and I have been putting $150 on it for the past two months. My wife asked me to stop, and I said that I would, but I did it again last month and this month (before my wife and I talked last night about the budget).

My wife was really upset with me and she said that, "since you are doing this and doing something that I asked you to stop doing, how can I trust you with other things?"

I want my wife to be able to trust me. What steps (besides the obvious; stop putting money on my student loan) can I take in order to start to regain her trust?

I realize this needs to be done in baby steps, but has anyone ever had any problems with this?

The reason why I am putting more on my student loans is because my wife is leaving the Navy in about 1.5 years. Then all of the income with be on my shoulders. I'm trying to reduce our debt as much as I can, and I thought that $150 was a nice round number to put on my student loan. My wife will say that I like exact numbers, and I do, to a point. When it comes to loans and paying them off, I like round numbers.

pmptx

Rebudget to include the $26 and you should be fine. This sounds more like trust in meeting the agreed upon budget, so the solution is to broker the agreement change. You will have to concede the $26 from your side, and that should improve the situation as you can then say well I took $26 of my discretionary and applied it vs $26 of our mutual and applied it.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

Thanks for the input. I am thinking about doing that. The problem is, that won't affect my wife trusting me at all. She says the trust issue will still stand. In fact, she wants me to go see a counselor to talk to someone about this.

I think that is lame, but I will do it so that she can start trusting me again (unless it costs a shitload of money). I need something to do so that she can trust me on something small.

dom

Sounds like the problems run alot deeper than the $26.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

Possibly, yes. I just don't see what the big deal is. Maybe I'm completely insane, but I think my wife is overreacting.

Maybe I can do something small to see if she trusts me. Anyone have any suggestions?

BustedJack

Keep in mind that most of us are just amateurs.... who basically have learned these things based on personal experience. We are not pros or have degrees to help you. So you'll have to take our words simply as an opinion rather than advice.

I think something goes way deeper than just the loan amount issue........ I mean... it takes awhile for women to build up things and suddenly 1 minor issue gets blown out of proportion. Is there something that you did in the past that could trigger her to not trust you?............. any fights related to trust issues......... it can't just be all nice and easy and suddenly she doesn't trust you.

Unless she have trust issues... I seriously doubt she's based on your entire marriage trust on a minor issue like this.......... She is hinting marriage counselling.... that's pretty major. I'm just going out a bit here... perhaps she have a guy friend who is hitting on her and she's trying to test your marriage or maybe just trying to start shit with you? I

you can always pm ACIRE for more indepth professional opinion if things get out of hand. But she doesn't seem to be on AZ as often as she used to be.


good luck buddy, I wish you work this issue out.

saiko_cl_duck

remember in your first thread saying your wife is leaving how it'll be stressful? Well, here it is. Surprising that it took a whole month.

so take a deep breath and relax.

Listen, she's upset that she asked you to stop and you didn't. OK, that wouldn't be a big deal, if she was home right now with you. She's not, so, it's a bigger deal to her than it really should be, seeming as you really have all the responsibility of taking care of the domestic issues.

She's lonely, and she misses you, gauranteed. Being that far apart and knowing you can't be together is the root of the problem, not the fact that you overpaid 26 bucks. But it's causing every little problem to be a big one. Plus she just had the whole deal with the upper level officers fresh in her mind, so she's gotta be a little on edge.

Go with her on it. Just pay what she already allocated for, and it'll be one less stressful thing for her to worry about. She trusts you, but she's lashing out because it's hard to express in words on the phone what a simple touch of a hand or look can convey.

I've been through the deployment process a few times now, and at some point it gets to a rough patch. It'll smooth out

Good luck

Duck

dom

She's making a mountain out of a molehill. Which leads me to believe there is alot more going on here. I'd start by asking her why she's making a big deal over this.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

You hit the nail on the head. I think this was something that did not brew overnight. You see, whenever I'm mad or upset, I shut up. I don't talk. I just used to clam up. My wife would notice a difference in me, and she would ask me about it. I would tell her "nothing's wrong," which was a lie. Pretty soon my wife knew that something was wrong even when I told her that it wasn't. This kept going on until she basically called me out on it. Then we had a fight, and this came to light. It all goes back to me saying one thing and doing another.

My justification of this was that I didn't want to fight, or even acknowledge that anything was wrong. I thought I could suppress it. I was wrong.

The first step to any problem is realizing that you have a problem, right? Well, I've been more communicative about my feelings, even though they may be hurtful. They're at least honest.

I need something to do, something small, to start to regain her trust.

johnniewalker

uhh...isnt this difference in payment really a minor thing...

You guys really need to talk it out and she needs to understand you better. It seems there are many more issues you guys need to sort out. Its probably due to the stress of your situation, but you need to stand up for what you think is right. I hope it turns out well

fuzzy02CLS

iTrader: (2)

No reason to throw a whole trust issue out there over paying $26/month on a debt. Debts need to be paid.
Something else is going on. Talk to her about it. You both need to communicate & not bottle stuff up or give in.

cM3go

$26 to pay a loan? Its not like the money is missing, he's paying down a valid debt and there is a paper trail. She's blowing this way out of proportion and it is far bigger than a loan payment.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

Yeah, like I explained in my previous post, I had lied to her before about me being angry. I told her "nothing's wrong," when shit clearly was wrong. She would ask me about it, and I would clam up because I did not want to start a fight. I hate fighting, and would much rather clam up than fight.

NOW I realize that's not healthy. I'm working through it though, but I don't think I need to see a counselor for crying out loud. But if it will make my marriage better, then I will do it (assuming it won't cost a lot of money).

cM3go

I don't think a counselor is needed either. So, good luck to you man!

Whiskers

Yes...Just smile and look innocent...

Bob289

IMO, I know alot of peoples married in the millitary either Millitary member to Millitary member or clivian to Millitary member. And when It comes to money the best way to go about things is to have 3 accounts, each one has their own and the thrid is pooled together to pay bills. Each has their own cash to spend as they wish but always talk to each other when buying items that cost alot of money even tho its their own. So If you have this set up you could pull the 123.07 from the shared account and on your own account pull the required 26 bucks. Everyone is happy. But this sould like more than a money issue. Just have a nice sit down ( or a talk over the phone ) why she is so mad about the issue. And why you want to pay the 150 bucks. Sounds like a good reason for the increase in payment. Or you could hored the 26 bucks on the side and when she gets out you can drop the cash then. Since this is a topic is about trust tell her what your plannin to do or you would be in deeper trouble.

Good Luck.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

Yeah, you hit the nail on the head with this post too. We have three accounts. The joint checking account is strictly to pay bills and things to pay for that EACH of us can enjoy together. Otherwise, you pay for it with your own money. That's my simple criteria.

Her weakness is clothes, and we have a monthly budgeted amount for that. It's what she likes to do. I didn't have a problem with this.

Now if I want things for my car or electronic gizmos for the house (new LCD HDTV, in-ceiling speakers, crap for the house, etc.) I have to use my own money. Now tell me, how the eff is that fair? In the case of in-ceiling speakers, I'm increasing the value of my home.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

LOL! Too late.

Bob289

As easy of getting 3 accounts not alot of people do that. I heard horror stories that the someone would spend all the cash and when the other person tries to buy something there is not enough cash in the account. Ie: My friends wife bought something and when he went to pay the rent ( 1600 bucks ) he was 300 short. That sucked for him for the month. Good thing the land lord was VERY understanding and likes the millitary and gave him until next pay day to pay him back.

lancer

By you seeing a counselor wouldnt that cost a lot of money which could have gone to the student loan to compensate the 26 a month, and solved the problem right there?

asianspec

iTrader: (1)

you guys should just put an allotment on it so you won't have to worry about it. I was in the navy for 4 years. thats what i done to all my bills.

leedogg

Why are you telling us all this? You should be telling her all this. Maybe even write it in a hand written letter. begin with:

I love you and I want you to trust me. I would never do anything to hurt you, and thats probably my biggest flaw. If I'm upset or angry, I hold it in and tell you nothing is bothering me, blahblahblah blah blah.....

In order to help build that trust, I'm going to do the following:

be more open with you and tell you whats bothering me,
be more firm when I disagree over what I think we should do (instead of agreeing with you and then doing something else)
blah blah blah


Basically you need to stand up for yourself more, say what you mean, mean what you say. yield to her when it is meaningless and minor, stand firm when it is something important.

ericajackhannahjamie?

gatrhumpy: please see pm.
thanks

underdog

It doesn't sound like a "trust issue" to me - more like a control issue. She told you
what she wanted you to do and you didn't obey, so now she's punishing you. By
telling you that you've lost something precious through your own screwup she's
trying to make you feel both loss and remorse.

The "how can I trust you?" is intended to imply that you've lost her trust (without
actually saying so) and is also intended to encourage you to prove yourself.

Your expected "act of contrition" (to try and get back what you've lost) is that you
will correct the original offence and also make some further concession(s) to
convince her of just how wrong/sorry/sincere you really are.

(For example, you already stated you are going to give in on the loan issue, but
are also looking for other "baby steps" you can take to win back her trust .. )

Its a classic manipulation.

As others have said, I think your problems run deeper than the $26.

Of course, that's just my opinion ..

Best of luck.

virtualbong

Is it that time of month??? Yes, I went there. No sane woman would go ballistic over $26.

saiko_cl_duck

Right, way to help.

EuRTSX

No offense, but that's kinda dumb to get untrustworthy over.

Talk it over with her again maybe? And include why you would have that extra 26 dollars, just like you told us.

ric

I would agree that this is a control issue, not a trust issue. The difference in money is a pittance, and your concept is a decent one, that of paying down loans asap.

The real issue is that she did not participate in that decision, and what is surprising is that she would need to feel that she should be. This kind of decision is minor, and if the two of you don't have basis for making "command decisions" about $26/month, far riskier fiscal decisions will derail the two of you in the future.

As for meeting with a counselor - do it if you think it is worth it, but the $26 is just the tip of an entirely different problem. Counselling may flush that out. Or it may be something that she manipulates to use to her advantage.

sasha

We don't know your wife's personality and background so it's hard to pin down the exact reason why she responded to this incident this way. Personally, I think your wife overreacted over something small and is using the trust issue as some sort of leverage to make you feel guilty. You have a good basis for your decision and I assume you tried to explain this to her. The fact that she insists on you seeing a counselor makes me wonder if she is the one with unresolved issues who needs to see one.

Mike 350Z

Your wife does have a point. I could see how she's thinking "if he's overpaying things behind my back, what else is he doing behind my back?" Maybe she's just stressed out and feels left out of the decision making process

dallison

well 1st, if you don't have kids and don't have one on the way, don't
2nd this is about control
3rd there is another serious issue with her
4th don't keep thinking that you need to do anything special to "trust" her.
this is linked to #3
5th you may be able to seek prof help via the military.
see #3


the best of luck

mastertl

Suppose we assume that there are no lingering problems, such as previous issues related to trust, then the problem can just be stress related. I was in a situation where my I was pledging for a frat, working at a place two hours driving distance each way, and college at the same time all the while trying to be a good boyfriend. The problem was that everything really went to shit because I was so stressed out from everything. I got mad at her for things I normally would have never even bothered with. I drove her away.

The point is, if she is stressed out, which seems like an awful likely thing this will blow over as soon as things slow down around her. Talking to her right now, and asking her how her actions are justified may just be something that she cannot handle right now. Just do what she asks of you for now and be nice. Do something nice and something that would help her relax on Valentines Day (many nice things can be done within budget). Stress causes a lot of problems and if it is not managed properly, it can lead to end of relationships.

docbass

she's banging someone else and feels guilty but is forcing it on you through this

EuRTSX

...

amisconception

That sounds right to me.

Ken1997TL

x2

Gatr

tonio

A lot of people have stated the obvious but think about when you are the sole source of income, I understand you make decisions together but for some reason I have to believe if she is reacting this way over $26 there will be much bigger issues when you are handling all of the finances on your own. Take care of it before it gets out of hand.

goose25

The days of the allotment are over. If you have online banking just make an automatic payment each month with the extra $26. Oh and by the way, if she's making a stink about the money then there is clearly something else going on, and it may have to do with the fact that she's currently deployed and is probably dealing with BS on her end. You should try to smooth things over and then have a honest sit-down with her when the deployment is finished. Also you should keep in mind that no matter where she is deployed to she may be dealing with some crap or is missing home and her normal routine and is taking it out on you because you're a convenient target.

saiko_cl_duck

I see you've been through this before, I know I have!

goose25

Yep, it happened last year when i was at MacDillastan and will probably happen again this year when my AEF bucket comes due in September.