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Ok, so I've been dating this woman for about a year and a half. We fit almost perfectly with each other. I really care about her and it seems she does me as well. We get along on virtually every front.
Tonight we were talking about the Cleveland Cavaliers and somehow we got sidetracked onto Chevy Cavaliers. I mentioned that I had to take driver's Ed in one 30 years ago and what a piece of crap it was. Well, it just so happens that she used to own one in the past and was quite happy with it. She felt like somehow I was insulting her on her car choice.
Let me preface all of this by saying I'm a few tax brackets up from her but that means nothing at all to me. I have my new TL, and a Porsche Boxster S and have always been a car guy. I've also driven my share of clunckers. Many $50 cars from Pinto's and Maverick's to Vega's and AMC's. I've worked hard to get where I am and I'm certainly not well off, I've just prioritized my work and money so I can have the cars I want.
She now drives a Pontiac G6. Not what I would classify as an "awesome" automobile but she likes it and that's all that really matters. I obviously hurt her feelings when I bashed an old car she used to own.(she likened it to the G6 she currently drives and extrapolated that I obviously hate the car she has now). I tried explaining that my love of cars should have nothing to do with her satisfaction with her own ride.
Again, I don't look at myself and think I'm better than her or anything by any means. And in the end she apologized for being over emotional about a stupid car that she doesn't even have anymore. None of this would probably ever even be an issue if I just drove an old Chevy truck or whatever.
I see this woman as a keeper and really want a future with her. This spat was very minor but it kind of underlies the feelings she has about either my money or my love of cars.
She may not be completely comfortable being with you if she isn't used to being well off. That is a conversation that probably needs to happen before marriage (do you think less of me because I buy nice things, etc.), but the conversation about the car needs to be dropped. All you need to do is say, "I understand your car had a lot of sentimental value to you, and I would never want to take that away from you. I am sorry my comment came accross that way." Then, let it go.
She actually has apologized several times stating that she shouldn't be as sensitive about crap like cars. I know we're ok but she's mentioned a few times that she feels that maybe I think her "stuff" isn't good enough. I have told her several times that I don't care what she drives or how much money she has. I like her for who she is. I think somehow she feels like she should be further along financially than she is for her age. I have told her none of that matters to me.
Your advice is sound, Spy, and that's basically what happened. No, it didn't turn into anything major. Like I said, I'm not wealthy by any means and everything I have I worked my butt off for and still do. I came from a family that had nothing really and I don't have any reason to be ashamed of what I have or have had. That said, I do know a lot about cars and have driven hundreds of different vehicles in the 30 years I've been driving. I'm a car guy through and through and I'm inclined to talk about cars even sometimes when I find someone else uninterested. I think another thing I should do is stop talking about cars so much around her. She isn't really all that interested in them, which is totally ok with me. Not everyone has passion for these 4 wheeled beasts, some just view them as transportation.
No, she isn't 20 and it wasn't really an argument. I think her feelings were hurt that I bashed a particular car she used to own. I think that somewhere in the back of her mind she believes that I feel her "things" aren't good enough or whatever because I have nicer things now. Again, I have tried to make it clear to her that it doesn't matter whether she drives a Ford or a Ferrari...makes $20,000 or $200,000. Although, I'd love to borrow her Ferrari if she had one.
No, she isn't 20 and it wasn't really an argument. I think her feelings were hurt that I bashed a particular car she used to own. I think that somewhere in the back of her mind she believes that I feel her "things" aren't good enough or whatever because I have nicer things now. Again, I have tried to make it clear to her that it doesn't matter whether she drives a Ford or a Ferrari...makes $20,000 or $200,000. Although, I'd love to borrow her Ferrari if she had one.
I don't see anything wrong. You guys talked about a topic, you found out how she feels about her old car. She apologizes to you for being too sensitive and you explain to her that you love her for her and not the amount of money she makes. You did all that you can do, just move on.
I don't see anything to worrie about.
She over-reacted to what you thought was an off-hand remark. I think that's just man vs. woman 101. I think the fact she has apologized and you seem to have done the same makes me think it should end there. I've had a hundred conversations like that with my wife. Generally they are done and over with once the air is clear.
Couple points of curiosity as I'm reading the replies though. One is you seem very preoccupied with the idea that the disparity in your financial situation might be a big deal to her, as evidence by her reaction. I don't know that I'd immediately project what you think the underlying cause is onto her or this situation. For me, when I've done that I'm a) wrong almost all of the time an b) create a new argument where there wasn't one before. Assuming how a woman will feel about something is risky business, assuming why she feels a certain way is an invitation to disaster.
I think letting this go is the best advice. If you're really concerned about whether she feels insecure (or is sensitive) about money that's a great conversation to have, but have it much later. My would be to have the discussion outside a situation like this. If you have that talk inside the context of this issue, then you'll just be having a conversation about cars. This is a good topic for when nothing else is going on and you're just talking.
I have a feeling she feels insecure about her financial standings and she feels as though you look down on her for owning older and "crappier" stuff.
Next time when she feels defensive when you talk down on stuff she used to own, don't say it in a general manner.
For example your Chevy Cavalier was a crap because the one you own failed on you. That way you're just talking about the one and only one that you experienced with. If you say that Chevy Cavaliers are a piece of crap because of your own bad experience, then you're classifying all Cavaliers are crap and maybe that's why she got defensive.
So now that you know how she is when it comes to things that she owns, next time if you want to express how you feel about stuff, reword it so that she doesn't get hurt by it.
By the way, relationship is an always ongoing learning experience. You will never 100% know everything about your significant other. You can, however, adjust to it.
For example your Chevy Cavalier was a crap because the one you own failed on you. That way you're just talking about the one and only one that you experienced with. If you say that Chevy Cavaliers are a piece of crap because of your own bad experience, then you're classifying all Cavaliers are crap and maybe that's why she got defensive.
This concept is very, very good advice to carry forward to almost anything any of us might be tempted to complain about - particularly around someone who may be sensitive to indirect criticism. Good general rule IMHO.
All good advice guys. And I pretty much was doing most everything everyone was saying. Just wondering how everyone would handle it. She's a great woman and I'm really happy with her. So easy going and fun to be with.
All good advice guys. And I pretty much was doing most everything everyone was saying. Just wondering how everyone would handle it. She's a great woman and I'm really happy with her. So easy going and fun to be with.
Take a quick trip to Marty's for a few suds and you will feel better - enjoy the eye-candy while there.
Lots of things to consider.. It could be financial, that seems to be an undertone. Something you might be propagating unknowingly. But I also suggest that her car ownership is more of an emotional investment. Hell.. she could have lost her virginity in that thing. Talking bad about objects that have emotional ties is a no no. Plus it's a total ladies car. If someone started pissing on your car choices, you'd probably get your feathers ruffled as well. Don't get in heavy discussions about religion, politics, or each others shit and you'll be fine.
Also, the TL is a total ladies car as well. I'm pretty sure 90% of owners are female.. none of which are members here for more than a weeks time. Give her the TL and consider yourself lucky.
10-04-2014, 11:49 PM
